So I visited my therapist today as well as my doctor, it's been a long and painful day. Having to leave my bedroom has caused me to feel sick to my stomach all day (Social anxiety issues)
To my point,
I have been feeling so "out of it" lately, much more than usual so I decided to tell my therapist some stuff I have not wanted to for months. My nagging urge to inflict injuries on myself (cuts,burns, bruises ect), the thoughts of wanting to just walk out into traffic and let myself be hit by a car, my obsessive thoughts, periods of intense depression followed by periods of happiness and manic behavior where I spend insane amounts of money then barely recall what I even purchased and my inability to focus on even simple things. I get out of control anger episodes (I pushed my then bf out of my house and almost down a set of stairs because I was SO angry at him for something that was totally my own fault, felt like it was a dream afterwards), episodes where I cry and cry for no real reason, times where I feel so ugly I want to wear a bag over my head, times where I get all creative and other times where I can't even think straight enough to finish a sentence.
While I was scared that she was going to strap me into a bed and lock me down I got an answer of me possibly being bi-polar. My session was nearly up so she decided we will run tests on my appointment friday.
I feel so clouded, as if I'm me but I'm not in control of me. I often do things and cannot even remember if I actually did them or just thought about it. I'm 25yo and I am wasting what are supposed to be the best years of my life.