Ok.... Let me give a little background. Married with two sons in the military-one who is stationed overseas. I don't get to talk to him much. My other son-he is just hard to ever catch. I worry every day about both of them. My oldest son just came back from the Middle East...now they may send him to Korea. I never know when the phone rings...is it good news??....or.... I do my best to stay busy....don't think about it...I have a daughter that lives with her boyfriend... What happens when he gets tired of her??? She relies on him. She isn't financially sound... She quit college. She just thinks that this will work... Oh my geesh!!
When I'm not thinking about that....I start thinking about my mom. She has breast cancer...that wouldn't be so bad if it hasn't spread. She now has cancer that has spread to her lungs, brain, and spinal cord. I never like it when the phone rings....I only have one sibling...everyone is in denial...I can't lean on them....I can't lean on my husband... You see...he and I have been on this journey before with HIS mother. She lost her battle about ten years ago... Now...that may seem like quite a while, but those memories are still very fresh in our mind.
He "checked out" when he lost his mother. Deep depression.. I was basically alone to care for three small children, work, and be responsible for the entire family. He didn't work....help at home...he slept...became angry...and mean.. He did finally pull himself out of the depression only to be faced with yet another major event happening. I can't cry. I am worried every day that I will say or do something that will push him over the edge again.
My stomach stays in knots. I'm on Xanax and Buspar. They help...but I can't control my mind. My worries are overwhelming. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I am helping my mom prepare...I can't cry. She asked me not to. My insides are killing me. The dreaded phone is going to ring...I just know it.
How can I get my mind to slow down. How do I keep from going crazy from the worry. How do I keep from falling into the hole that my husband went into for so many years. I can't check out. I have to be here for my dad.