Okay, so I haven't posted really anything on this site here, I don't think. I've had an anxiety account on a forum before, but I left it for several reasons that just got to be too much for me. Thought I'd try this forum here or anxietyforums.net, as they both seem to be a good forum for those suffering/struggling with anxiety problems in general, everything not too specialized and divided (although this site seems to cater pretty much to the DSM's way of categorizing, which I find problematic and try to steer away from).
Anyway, don't know what landed me back here. I've been having a really rough time. I don't even know what I want to say here.. I wake up, anxious. Anxious as hell, my days have been spent with anxiety and, stress. I really have this problem with intrusive thinking and anxiety. Sort of compulsive in nature and it's been a problem nearly ALL my life. I just don't know where to go anymore, to handle it. Even the meds I'm on, which are supposed to be the best for this sort of thing - barely seem to make a difference at all (150mg Luvox).
I'm doing the best i can. Just want to be around others that know what this is like - go through it themselves. And I'm sick of the psychs, and all their misled thinking - so I try to avoid that.
Just the way I'm thinking is driving me mad. Like absolutely bat 0103 crazy. I can't stand it and I really dislike the way my mind seems to work. My thinking is irrational ALOT and these sort of auto thoughts that everyone gets seem to be a huger problem for me. They are loud and scary...and I get stuck on them. I can spend hours of my day wrapped up in some stupid cycle I get into - and it is absolutely EXHAUSTING. Not to mention scary and a waste of time. I just want to be "normal" and don't want some doctor telling me I'm sick or chemically imbalanced for life, or labeling me with some 'disorder' that makes me different from other people. Yeah I realize not everyone struggles with this to THIS degree. But everyone is ocd to some point, or anxious. I just, don't know what to do. I'm pretty miserable day in and out. I'm stressed, depressed, the living situation isn't that great - but these problems - with the anxiety and thoughts, are making everything worse. They are actually CAUSING problems and exaccerbating my living situation, sleep and stress and ability to function. I feel like I'm just really keyed up, like all the time. Life's been pretty stressful. And this crap just all kind of keeps accumulating on itself. That's the crappy thing about anxiety, or a stress problem with anxiety. It's like this big knot.
My diet has been sh*t lately too. Since I'm not living completely by myself, I've been around people who eat crappy food alot, and so I have been too. My blood sugar and hormones have been all over the place, too, my sleep. Even my anxiety levels. It's just not fun. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster everyday, and just trying to keep myself steady. It's not very fun at all. I struggle all inside my head. Others don't see it. But I'm very anxious. I feel fear and scared in my mind all the time ....mostly on and off - throughout the day. But it feels like A lot.
I just feel up and down, my moods are up and down. I know that I am. It's a problem. I get very angry. I feel out of control. I make impulsive decisions and sometimes I can think one way one time, another the next.. and my ideas seem to change so often. I don't know. I feel like, too intense. But nothing seems to be constant. Ideas, feelings...etc. whatever. I don't know. I just feel like I'm burning too fast. Relaxation helps when I can remember to do it. Breathing. ... I do better when I calm the f down. The living situation doesn't help. It's stressing me out. I can't do what I want. And am strapped for cash and a job. That's stressful. Also, I'm around people I don't particularly get along with (well) or feel comfortable talking to. But we are trying to make the best. On the whole it's just an uncomfortable situation. I don't have many friends, as I just moved here. And i am not very happy with the way things are now. I'm trying to go back to school for a grad program - I'm 27. I want to do it but I feel alone. I live with my Mom and her fiance. Just for now. It's just temporary. He's the one I find awkward to get along with. I don't know. Complicated. Wish I didn't feel so alone and so - out of control. Wish I had more support and comfortable.
Thanks for listening to me, and reading, and for allowing me the space to write. More late.r