I just wanted to share my story with you. Perhaps for someone it will be a lightbulb moment and you will think "OMG, that is ME!" - And have a good understanding of how you became anxious like me.
A few months ago I started having full blown panic attacks. At the time, I was focused on what the physical changes were and convinced myself that I was ill and I wound up on the hypochondria board convinced I had every single health problem known to man. If there was a test, I had done it. I became popular down at the local emergency department for all the wrong reasons. I ended up on zoloft 50 and started with a brilliant Psychologist.
Anyway, as it turns out, I have a A type personality, which is very much where my OCD tendencies come into it. For my entire life I have lived with my father who has his own struggles with depression and I can remember growing up just wanting him and everyone around me to be happy. If someone in my family was not talking to another, I was the peace-keeper. If dad was down, I was desperate to try and cheer him up. I would come home from school wondering how my dad would be when I got home. My desire for everything to be "ok" spilled on into adulthood.
I think my anxiety and OCD really started to kick in when I lost my nana. Losing her was so profound. The day I saw her at peace was the hardest day of my life. I think from that moment, life showed me that we really do not have any control and control is something that I had striven for my whole entire life.
There are many other moments that have led me to understand so much better just how my desire for control creates my anxiety and OCD. Little things like being particular about numbers (for eg. everything has to be even. Clothes purchased in 2, even numbers of cupcakes etc.) and if I can't control it, my world is full of anxiety. I am an all or nothing type person. This is why I can't follow through with my potential business venture, as I am scared to fail. And because there is a seed of doubt, there is no control.
This is why I have spent so much time at the ED. Because, if I am going to have a heart attack I have to be at the hospital BEFORE I have a heart attack. I have even been known quite often to imagine what I am going to do before I get to that point. For eg. I will be driving home and I will imagine in my mind, getting out of the car, going inside... and what I will do then and so on. I am constantly trying to control EVERYTHING.
I am sure many people suffer from this same problem. I guess in a way this is what anxiety is all about.