my story is a kind of weird one but I've finally coughed up the courage to post it here because things are bad and it's affecting my daily life.
I have mild acne and some acne scarring, (I used to have very severe acne but then the dermatologist put me on Accutane, which totally got rid of it for 2 years, after that it came back but not nearly as severe as before, so the derm wouldn't put me on another course of Accutane) I tried everything there to get rid of my acne but nothing helped. I was scared that my acne would eventually get as bad as before the Accutane and cause even more scarring.
This fear of ''impending doom'' as I call it totally stopped me from following my dreams (becoming an actor and a comedian) because who would cast someone with severe acne scarring, right? More negative thoughts started to show up, like ''What if my girlfriend will break up with me when my acne gets bad again and scars me?''
I tried to keep thinking positively but eventually the negative thoughts won. Everytime I got a compliment on how I looked I thought (besides not believing it) ''Yea well, that may be the case now, but in a few months I'll be ugly as hell...''
So I gave up my dream of becoming an actor because everytime I would try to do something that involved acting (like making sketch videos for my youtube channel) I would get terrified of getting these scars and think: what's the point of doing these things now if I get really ugly scars in the future?
I tried really hard to ignore these thoughts of course, because there's no way you can predict the future, but it seems that every time I have a positive thought, SOMETHING (be it my own mind or something else) tries and succeeds to keep me scared and depressed.
Then the image of severely mutilated soldiers from WW2 popped up in my head and suddenly I got scared this would happen to me too. I KNEW it was a totally irrational fear, and for a few days it totally effected my life, but eventually I convinced myself of it being totally irrational and for a short while I finally felt happy again...
Until this thought popped up in my head (warning: this has to do with religion and God, so if that stuff makes you angry or something I'd recommend not reading this next part) : ''What if this fear is a warning from God? What if he's trying to warn me that if I follow my dreams of becoming an actor and a comedian, I'll get mutilated, and by putting these thoughts in my head he's trying to warn me not to become an actor/comedian?''
So... that's kind of where I am now. I'm terrified that if I try to become an actor or comedian this will happen to me, and the thought is ruining my life. I'm even scared to talk to my girlfriend right now because why should I enjoy being with her if this is gonna happen and she'll leave me?
I'm not sure why I posted this here. I think just felt like sharing it. Hopefully you can help me overcome this fear. I think I even got a sign from God that these thoughts aren't true - someone recently added me on 0409 and he had no memory of doing so. Anyway, we started talking about religion and the following words really hit hard: ''I think God just wants you to be whoever you wanna be''. For a while I saw this as a sign that I SHOULD follow my dreams, but I've already convinced myself that it isn't.
I really don't know what to do. I'm torn between thinking this is just my own mind and thinking this is God's doing or something. What do you guys think?