In the past Ten years my life has gone through these stages;
Anxiety then panic attacks, depression followed by a complete mental breakdown, now Ten years on i’m left with bouts of anxiety and my occasional “Dark Days"
You feel trapped when your depressed, alone, I certainly did, and I do on occasion now.
This was how I felt after about Two years of suffering with panic attacks and anxiety, it wore me down I guess, It would wear anyone down! My episode of depression started Eight years ago and left me with the memory of a Goldfish! My memory is not that good now but back then it was truly atrocious! My mind actually felt “Fuzzy”, I could not remember a thing! Well, I could remember things way back when I was a little kid, but I couldn’t remember what I had for breakfast that day or my favorite band, a band that I had loved and listened to for years!
I do remember I daydreamed a lot then, just stared into space. I later learned this was a kind of coping mechanism for the brain when it was in turmoil, apparently, when you are daydreaming your mind is relaxed, no anxious thoughts to cope with, looking back now it makes perfect sense to me and I can now see the logic behind the theory.
I also remember how strange I must have been acting, every thing I was doing was so out of character, depression literally broke me mentally, so i’m certainly not surprised when I think back now to how I was. I remember I would almost chain smoke cigarettes, eat very little and drink lots of water, and I do mean LOTS! I would l leave my house in the morning ( always alone ) I would walk right past my car, go to the local store and buy a big bottle of water, then I would walk for miles all day long, nearly every street in my town I must have covered, out all day…just walking and drinking the water. After a Four month diet of water and cigarettes my weight plummeted, I was just skin and bone, I looked awful..
On many occasion I would suddenly burst into tears, I can’t remember why?
I was once so desperate I tried to admit myself into a local Psychiatric Hospital but they turned me away saying…”You need a letter from your Doctor to enter here”
My eyes were constantly looking at the floor as I walked, my confidence was non-existent, I looked no one in the eye. Any conversation was avoided because any attempts to do so resulted in incoherent gibberish, all very embarrassing.
My Mother used to say to me, “What’s wrong with you? You have nothing to feel down about !” We are very close, i’m her only Son and I love her dearly but she never really had a clue, bless her. It’s tough for your loved one’s, frustrating almost, they can’t see inside your mind can they, what’s really wrong, how YOU feel and how you are suffering, that’s why I think people with depression feel so ” Trapped and alone”, simply because it’s hard for our families too, they don’t understand either, they aren’t medical professionals, they are just average families doing their best to be supportive and loving. Obviously, some people are more patient and understanding than others.
In the end the one person for me was my Sister Sue, she was the one I could REALLY open up to, I mentioned Sue in a previous post, she’s awesome and I love her dearly. My advice would be; Find that one person, someone very close to you, not necessarily a Doctor, I found Doctors very useful but a bit to “Formal”, not relaxed enough for me. Sue and I would go to a local park, it’s a peaceful place with a large lake and a few benches to sit on, when we’d get there all you could hear was the bird’s singing…We’d just sit there and chat, it did wonders for me, it really did.
As far as Doctors prescribed medications and drugs go I have tried many different types, as I said before they are o.k but made me so drowsy, almost like a “Zombie”, don’t get me wrong if a certain medication is working for you go ahead and take it ! It’s a personal thing and everyone reacts differently, it’s just that I took them for so long with no real improvements, so out of desperation I turned to Herbal remedies, they just seemed to work that much better for me and I also liked the thought they weren’t full of chemicals like regular prescribed medication, more natural I though. I certainly have NO medical knowledge it’s just whatever works best for the individual.
All the best,