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Author Topic: Not sure if Ocd or becoming crazy..  (Read 1365 times)

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Offline serlee

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Not sure if Ocd or becoming crazy..
« on: September 04, 2013, 07:12:30 PM »
I don't know whats happening to me, but i hope someone has an answer... heres my story..

I quit smoking marijuana after smoking daily 8 months, some days heavily, especially on the weekends. I stopped working out, lost focus in school, started to lose close friendships and only cared about being with those who were smoking all the time as well. I quit on june 5th, after a few days prior having had a major panic attack in which in basically froze, couldn't really respond to what my friend was saying to me because i started to realize I was going down a bad path in my life, and quickly. I felt dumb for a while, and when i responded to him eventually i felt like i could barely talk, like my IQ had gone down or something. I had to sit down and think, so I did. stupidly enough i smoked two more times, with one time feeling nervous. This is when 0103 started to hit the fan. Maybe after the first day I quit, i began having these extremely intrusive thoughts that I was gay, and they would NOT go away. It was all i thought about for weeks. After this is began thinking that I was a pedophile and all these awful thoughts that I have never thought before in my entire life. They freaked me the hell out, especially since I'm 21, have dated many pretty girls (idk how) and have always been sure of the person I was. It was around this time I started thinking I was crazy and that I was schizophrenic. I would also have these waves of depression that I had never experienced before, in my life. I was just ultra sad, and they would last for a few hours or so. I had been dealing with this for about two months now, without telling anyone the full extent really, but the feelings and the thoughts were overwhelming. I have also had delusional thoughts, like one time in the car with my family and I started feeling really down and i thought that I was in hell, even thought I can think of a million reasons thats just not true. I've had headaches constantly, sometime in the 2 and a half month mark I began feeling extremely anxious, like if I had a pit feeling but in my chest, for like 5 days straight. It was finally one night that I had the thought "what if my mom was doing something to my food to make me crazy?" Which is so effiing crazy, and i was so anxious that night that I had to tell my mom i had been smoking and told her i had that thought. Its made things so much easier and she was so understanding, but I don't understand why I would have this thought, and more importantly why it wouldn't go away, especially since I know she wants me to get better and is such an irrational thought. I finally moved back to college (which honestly I wish I hadn't yet) and i started feeling better, since i had been in my house constantly for the past month before that, but then i moved in with 2 new roommates and the same thought is now happening with one of the roommates. I keep thinking he is doing something to my food, but i know he's not, its like a malformed thought in my head with no basis and no reasoning, in fact its not fully formed because I'm not really sure what he would be doing ( as in poisoning or doing something idk) but that idea/feeling/thought just pops into my head and it makes me go crazy with anxiety. I can tell myself its not real but for a while now i keep thinking im a paranoid schizophrenic or that this is how it starts and i have no way of knowing its true or not. I don't know if this is how it starts, who the hell knows?! I have been so stressed and anxious lately (since im always checking for this stuff online, always) that all last week I was having trouble going to sleep because as i started dozing off I would hear stories and conversations in my head and just randomness, mainly in the voices of tv shows I saw that day. its like I'm on high alert when I'm sleeping and it freaks me out, even thought it seems like it may just be hypnagogic hallucinations, related to REM sleep and not related to any mental illness. One of those nights i woke up at like two in the middle of a dream and i wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't and i had to tell myself time and time again what part was the dream and what was me. That morning I woke up thinking that what if this world wasn't real? and the constant depersonalization i feel didn't help. the though comes and goes but its slowly dissipating. I question my reality at times, and if I'm crazy and I just don't know it, like if my family is really there or im just imagining them, just crazy 0103 I've never thought before that shakes me to the core. I especially think I'm schizophrenic now, and i had to write this, because I was just in my german class and i had the thought, "what if everyone is a robot?" and it was haunting me for the past hour - I had to rationalize it for like 45 minutes, but i know how freaking wild it sounds and that its crazy, yet the thought stayed in my mind and I couldn't concentrate in class. I ran into a friend and i was just so anxious he was talking to me and i was responding but i felt so awkward because I had that thought. I keep thinking this is how it starts and then one day I'll just be bat 0103 crazy and wouldn't even know it. I passed a few hot girls on my way to class and i just thought "well then those are just some sexy 0104 robots" just to prove that its a ridiculous idea. Lately I have also been thinking negatively paranoid thoughts when people look at me, like why did they look at me like that, even if it was nothing and I know it could be a million other reasons for it but i can't help my brain from jumping to negative thoughts first. I'm seriously losing my mind here, and I just feel like I messed up my brain for good, and I deserve it. I knew I shouldn't have smoked to deal with my every issue these past several months, but I did, and this is what I get for it. I have always been neurotic and had a very minor ocd tendencies. (tapping my feet in a symmetric manner, left foot twice, right foot twice stuff..) but i never suffered from extreme anxiety or paranoia, or even depression. I was so content with life and I just don't know if I will ever be the same again. Lastly, this depersonalization has been going on for days on end now, only feeling good in the mornings basically, before theres time for anything to sink in. Anyway, I hope that at least some of this will help people, but most importantly, i hope that this will help me, at least by finally writing it out. Just so you know I am seeing a psychologist, I'm not locked up in my room with no friends, I still play sports at least twice a week and hang out with friends and socialize and junk. I just think i'm going crazy and that people who are becoming schizophrenic or delusional start by first not believing the thoughts and ultimately they do... does anyone know if this is true?? :fragend005: This was really hard for me to write and idk who will read this, but if you think you can help, please don't hesitate to post something.
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Offline eduk8or

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Re: Not sure if Ocd or becoming crazy..
« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2013, 06:42:10 AM »
First of all, I don't have time to respond to this fully right now because I have to go to work, but I couldn't just let it go either.  This is most definitely OCD and you are not going crazy.  I suffer from the exact same thing!  The fear of going crazy or having schizophrenia is a fairly common one.  I will respond more later, when I have time, but know you are not alone and you are not "going crazy."
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Offline eduk8or

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Re: Not sure if Ocd or becoming crazy..
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2013, 10:03:28 AM »
O.k. so a little explanation that might clear things up and make you feel somewhat better.  OCD is caused by intrusive thoughts.  These thoughts make the person feel bad, anxious, depressed, so the person usually does something to make themselves negate the thought or feel better about it.  This is when compulsions can start.  Compulsions do not have to be physical like handwashing or checking, but can also be mental.  Seeking reassurance is also a way people with OCD try to make themselves feel better.  We look stuff up on google to reassure ourselves, but then end up focusing on the negative and obsessing about it.  I am sure you have looked up information on schizophrenia.  I know I have!  Your OCD mind takes this information and you have an intrusive thought about it, like "Someone is doing something to my food".  You attach a negative meaning to this.  "Oh no!"  That is a symptom of schizophrenia! I am going to go crazy!" You try to stop yourself from having this thought because it makes you feel bad and uncomfortable, but the more you try to stop yourself, or talk yourself out of it, the more it pops up or morphs in to different forms.  You may or may not perform a ritual to make yourself feel better. This is classic OCD. 

One way to try to get rid of intrusive thoughts is to not attach a negative meaning to them.  You have a thought, you accept the thought as any other thought, and you let it float out of your consciousness.  This takes practice when you feel like a thought is "weird" or "negative", but you have millions of thoughts every single day, most of which you never pay any attention to.  For example if it is a warm day, you might think, "It's hot".  You recognize the thought, accept it and it goes away.  You probably never think of it again.  But when you have a thought like "What if everyone is a robot?" you label it as bad, weird, strange, you think about why you are having such a thought, you analyze it over and over.  You don't let it go.  You need to try  to just accept the thought without judgement and let it pass like you did with the "It's hot" thought.  Acceptance is the key.

There are tons of great books about OCD out there, some that specifically have our fear of going crazy/becoming schizophrenic in them.  You might want to look for titles on amazon.com because you can read the summaries and reviews and see if it would be something worth buying or going to the public library and checking out.  Maybe your psychologist will also have some suggestions for you?  All this being said, I still struggle a lot on some days to do exactly what I've written here and I am convinced I am losing it, so know you are not alone!  Here's to hoping you find something that works for you and you don't feel this way for long!
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Offline mwtzzz

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Re: Not sure if Ocd or becoming crazy..
« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2013, 01:03:58 PM »
I don't know whats happening to me, but i hope someone has an answer... heres my story..

I quit smoking marijuana after smoking daily 8 months, some days heavily, especially on the weekends.

Although for most people MJ has a relaxing effect, there is a substantial percentage of people for whom it has the opposite effect, especially over repeated use. It will cause full blown panic attacks in some people, and it will cause strange thoughts and strange effects in others, including pananoia. So, all of the weird thoughts you've been having, this is part of your recovery period of getting off the MJ. Just grit your teeth, ignore the thoughts, your body (and mind) will slowly get back to normal. After a few months you should be fine. In the meantime you might try some natural relaxants to help get through it. Things like magnesium citrate pills, etc. Just go to your local vitamin shoppe and ask them for natural relaxants.

Believe me, dude, as a musician, I've been around a lot of people who smoke (as I did myself in my 20s) and I've seen the long-term effects and how it makes certain people behave. You don't want to go back to using it, because obviously you are in the group of people for whom it starts to have bad effects over time.
 

Quote
I keep thinking he is doing something to my food, but i know he's not, its like a malformed thought in my head with no basis and no reasoning,

These are the paranoid thoughts that I mentioned. It's just your body trying to adjust itself to being off marijuana. It does NOT mean you should go back to smoking! Quite the opposite!

Just give it time. You'll be fine after a couple more months.

Quote

I have been so stressed and anxious lately (since im always checking for this stuff online, always) that all last week I was having trouble

I'd recommend anti-anxiety medicine to help you get through this recovery period. Natural medicines are much preferred, but you could even do the Xanax thing in low doses and intermittently. Take extreme care not to start using it as a crutch. The goal is to provide just enough of a relaxing stimulus to help you get through the particular tough times, so your body/mind doesn't go into overdrive. But you definitely do NOT want to be start using Xanax as a crutch. So try the natural medicines when at all possible.

Based on everything you described, I'm going to say you DO NOT have a mental illness. You are undergoing a reaction to MJ/coming off MJ, and it literally takes months to get through it. Don't go to a shrink, because they're going to want to put you on all kinds of meds which is NOT the right thing in your case. Believe me. Like I said, I'm a musician. Probably 70% of all musicians smoke weed regularly (not me anymore), and I've had plenty of opportunity to see these things happen in people.

Quote
That morning I woke up thinking that what if this world wasn't real?

Depersonalization is very common in people who have adverse reactions to marijuana.

Believe me, you've got nothing to worry about. Just give it time. It will slowly get better. I'd say in 6 months you'll be completely back to normal and feeling good. I'd say in 3 months you'll be 90% of the way there. Certainly do NOT use any other street drugs !

Quote
I'm seriously losing my mind here, and I just feel like I messed up my brain for good.

No, you didn't.

Quote
I knew I shouldn't have smoked to deal with my every issue these past several months, but I did, and this is what I get for it. I have always been neurotic and had a very minor ocd tendencies. (tapping my feet in a symmetric manner, left foot twice, right foot twice stuff..)

It's funny you mention that. I've known a couple musicians who were similar.

Just hang in there. Feel free to message me if you want.
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Offline serlee

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Re: Not sure if Ocd or becoming crazy..
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2013, 04:44:02 AM »
Dudes!

Thank you so much for the replies! for real! As it turns out, I was trying to make myself feel better by finding out more on my current symptoms, and I stumbled onto this thread thinking for the first few lines it was some guy with my same symptoms as me. HA. Sstill dealing with irrational thoughts all the time, but honestly less frequently. especially the robot one. Its like such an intense thought that it feels so real. Tonight was bad, more than its been in a while. Its like my head tries to convince me of these crazy thoughts. I'm past the 4 month hump and it has been getting better, even if it doesn't feel like it at times. I'm also dealing with less depersonalization as well, but i have all of these weird existential thoughts on like the idea of consciousness and how I can only know mine and not anyone elses and I don't feel quite right. I'm slowly getting my concentration back and my energy and my cognitive and social abilities. I was recently diagnosed with ocd minus the c, althought I think i do check all the time like you said eduk8tor, mentally. and by getting online and finding answers. mwtzzz, thats crazy I'm a musician as well haha! My psychologist was explaining to me how many sensible individuals like artists, musicians, etc tend to have personality traits like obsesiveness, depression, and a range of other mental variabilities, but I'm sure you knew that. You sound very confident in your response and im going to take that as a good sign. I never want to smoke weed ever again trust me, if anything it was hindering my musical abilities, no matter how much i told myself at the time that it wasn't. I just hope that I am able to get better like you say. I want to be myself again and give my life another chance. Its been over three months and I'm definitely better but not 90%, id say like 60 or 70%, in fact im having a panic attack right now as I type this and it freaking sucks, i havent had one in like 7 months. Thanks for the support and wise words, feel free to reply
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Offline serlee

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Re: Not sure if Ocd or becoming crazy..
« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2013, 03:22:49 PM »
I don't know whats happening to me, but i hope someone has an answer... heres my story..

I quit smoking marijuana after smoking daily 8 months, some days heavily, especially on the weekends.

Although for most people MJ has a relaxing effect, there is a substantial percentage of people for whom it has the opposite effect, especially over repeated use. It will cause full blown panic attacks in some people, and it will cause strange thoughts and strange effects in others, including pananoia. So, all of the weird thoughts you've been having, this is part of your recovery period of getting off the MJ. Just grit your teeth, ignore the thoughts, your body (and mind) will slowly get back to normal. After a few months you should be fine. In the meantime you might try some natural relaxants to help get through it. Things like magnesium citrate pills, etc. Just go to your local vitamin shoppe and ask them for natural relaxants.

Believe me, dude, as a musician, I've been around a lot of people who smoke (as I did myself in my 20s) and I've seen the long-term effects and how it makes certain people behave. You don't want to go back to using it, because obviously you are in the group of people for whom it starts to have bad effects over time.
 

Quote
I keep thinking he is doing something to my food, but i know he's not, its like a malformed thought in my head with no basis and no reasoning,

These are the paranoid thoughts that I mentioned. It's just your body trying to adjust itself to being off marijuana. It does NOT mean you should go back to smoking! Quite the opposite!

Just give it time. You'll be fine after a couple more months.

Quote

I have been so stressed and anxious lately (since im always checking for this stuff online, always) that all last week I was having trouble

I'd recommend anti-anxiety medicine to help you get through this recovery period. Natural medicines are much preferred, but you could even do the Xanax thing in low doses and intermittently. Take extreme care not to start using it as a crutch. The goal is to provide just enough of a relaxing stimulus to help you get through the particular tough times, so your body/mind doesn't go into overdrive. But you definitely do NOT want to be start using Xanax as a crutch. So try the natural medicines when at all possible.

Based on everything you described, I'm going to say you DO NOT have a mental illness. You are undergoing a reaction to MJ/coming off MJ, and it literally takes months to get through it. Don't go to a shrink, because they're going to want to put you on all kinds of meds which is NOT the right thing in your case. Believe me. Like I said, I'm a musician. Probably 70% of all musicians smoke weed regularly (not me anymore), and I've had plenty of opportunity to see these things happen in people.

Quote
That morning I woke up thinking that what if this world wasn't real?

Depersonalization is very common in people who have adverse reactions to marijuana.

Believe me, you've got nothing to worry about. Just give it time. It will slowly get better. I'd say in 6 months you'll be completely back to normal and feeling good. I'd say in 3 months you'll be 90% of the way there. Certainly do NOT use any other street drugs !

Quote
I'm seriously losing my mind here, and I just feel like I messed up my brain for good.

No, you didn't.

Quote
I knew I shouldn't have smoked to deal with my every issue these past several months, but I did, and this is what I get for it. I have always been neurotic and had a very minor ocd tendencies. (tapping my feet in a symmetric manner, left foot twice, right foot twice stuff..)

It's funny you mention that. I've known a couple musicians who were similar.

Just hang in there. Feel free to message me if you want.

hey mwtzzz,
I would really like to talk to you, i keep trying to write what else has been going on with me here but for some reason the moderators are not allowing me to write the rest of my story, which is incredibly frustrating since you seem to have an idea of what is going on with me. Sadly I have not written enough here to be able to message you, I think. Anyway when you have a chance get back to me to see if you can message me maybe, or another place I can reach you at. Thanks
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Offline serlee

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Re: Not sure if Ocd or becoming crazy..
« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2014, 06:02:32 PM »
I don't know whats happening to me, but i hope someone has an answer... heres my story..

I quit smoking marijuana after smoking daily 8 months, some days heavily, especially on the weekends.

Although for most people MJ has a relaxing effect, there is a substantial percentage of people for whom it has the opposite effect, especially over repeated use. It will cause full blown panic attacks in some people, and it will cause strange thoughts and strange effects in others, including pananoia. So, all of the weird thoughts you've been having, this is part of your recovery period of getting off the MJ. Just grit your teeth, ignore the thoughts, your body (and mind) will slowly get back to normal. After a few months you should be fine. In the meantime you might try some natural relaxants to help get through it. Things like magnesium citrate pills, etc. Just go to your local vitamin shoppe and ask them for natural relaxants.

Believe me, dude, as a musician, I've been around a lot of people who smoke (as I did myself in my 20s) and I've seen the long-term effects and how it makes certain people behave. You don't want to go back to using it, because obviously you are in the group of people for whom it starts to have bad effects over time.
 

Quote
I keep thinking he is doing something to my food, but i know he's not, its like a malformed thought in my head with no basis and no reasoning,

These are the paranoid thoughts that I mentioned. It's just your body trying to adjust itself to being off marijuana. It does NOT mean you should go back to smoking! Quite the opposite!

Just give it time. You'll be fine after a couple more months.

Quote

I have been so stressed and anxious lately (since im always checking for this stuff online, always) that all last week I was having trouble

I'd recommend anti-anxiety medicine to help you get through this recovery period. Natural medicines are much preferred, but you could even do the Xanax thing in low doses and intermittently. Take extreme care not to start using it as a crutch. The goal is to provide just enough of a relaxing stimulus to help you get through the particular tough times, so your body/mind doesn't go into overdrive. But you definitely do NOT want to be start using Xanax as a crutch. So try the natural medicines when at all possible.

Based on everything you described, I'm going to say you DO NOT have a mental illness. You are undergoing a reaction to MJ/coming off MJ, and it literally takes months to get through it. Don't go to a shrink, because they're going to want to put you on all kinds of meds which is NOT the right thing in your case. Believe me. Like I said, I'm a musician. Probably 70% of all musicians smoke weed regularly (not me anymore), and I've had plenty of opportunity to see these things happen in people.

Quote
That morning I woke up thinking that what if this world wasn't real?

Depersonalization is very common in people who have adverse reactions to marijuana.

Believe me, you've got nothing to worry about. Just give it time. It will slowly get better. I'd say in 6 months you'll be completely back to normal and feeling good. I'd say in 3 months you'll be 90% of the way there. Certainly do NOT use any other street drugs !

Quote
I'm seriously losing my mind here, and I just feel like I messed up my brain for good.

No, you didn't.

Quote
I knew I shouldn't have smoked to deal with my every issue these past several months, but I did, and this is what I get for it. I have always been neurotic and had a very minor ocd tendencies. (tapping my feet in a symmetric manner, left foot twice, right foot twice stuff..)

It's funny you mention that. I've known a couple musicians who were similar.

Just hang in there. Feel free to message me if you want.

Hey mwtzzz,

Still suffering from a bunch of stuff... would really appreciate it if you could read the messages i sent you when you get a moment. Thanks man
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