I don't know whats happening to me, but i hope someone has an answer... heres my story..
I quit smoking marijuana after smoking daily 8 months, some days heavily, especially on the weekends. I stopped working out, lost focus in school, started to lose close friendships and only cared about being with those who were smoking all the time as well. I quit on june 5th, after a few days prior having had a major panic attack in which in basically froze, couldn't really respond to what my friend was saying to me because i started to realize I was going down a bad path in my life, and quickly. I felt dumb for a while, and when i responded to him eventually i felt like i could barely talk, like my IQ had gone down or something. I had to sit down and think, so I did. stupidly enough i smoked two more times, with one time feeling nervous. This is when 0103 started to hit the fan. Maybe after the first day I quit, i began having these extremely intrusive thoughts that I was gay, and they would NOT go away. It was all i thought about for weeks. After this is began thinking that I was a pedophile and all these awful thoughts that I have never thought before in my entire life. They freaked me the hell out, especially since I'm 21, have dated many pretty girls (idk how) and have always been sure of the person I was. It was around this time I started thinking I was crazy and that I was schizophrenic. I would also have these waves of depression that I had never experienced before, in my life. I was just ultra sad, and they would last for a few hours or so. I had been dealing with this for about two months now, without telling anyone the full extent really, but the feelings and the thoughts were overwhelming. I have also had delusional thoughts, like one time in the car with my family and I started feeling really down and i thought that I was in hell, even thought I can think of a million reasons thats just not true. I've had headaches constantly, sometime in the 2 and a half month mark I began feeling extremely anxious, like if I had a pit feeling but in my chest, for like 5 days straight. It was finally one night that I had the thought "what if my mom was doing something to my food to make me crazy?" Which is so effiing crazy, and i was so anxious that night that I had to tell my mom i had been smoking and told her i had that thought. Its made things so much easier and she was so understanding, but I don't understand why I would have this thought, and more importantly why it wouldn't go away, especially since I know she wants me to get better and is such an irrational thought. I finally moved back to college (which honestly I wish I hadn't yet) and i started feeling better, since i had been in my house constantly for the past month before that, but then i moved in with 2 new roommates and the same thought is now happening with one of the roommates. I keep thinking he is doing something to my food, but i know he's not, its like a malformed thought in my head with no basis and no reasoning, in fact its not fully formed because I'm not really sure what he would be doing ( as in poisoning or doing something idk) but that idea/feeling/thought just pops into my head and it makes me go crazy with anxiety. I can tell myself its not real but for a while now i keep thinking im a paranoid schizophrenic or that this is how it starts and i have no way of knowing its true or not. I don't know if this is how it starts, who the hell knows?! I have been so stressed and anxious lately (since im always checking for this stuff online, always) that all last week I was having trouble going to sleep because as i started dozing off I would hear stories and conversations in my head and just randomness, mainly in the voices of tv shows I saw that day. its like I'm on high alert when I'm sleeping and it freaks me out, even thought it seems like it may just be hypnagogic hallucinations, related to REM sleep and not related to any mental illness. One of those nights i woke up at like two in the middle of a dream and i wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't and i had to tell myself time and time again what part was the dream and what was me. That morning I woke up thinking that what if this world wasn't real? and the constant depersonalization i feel didn't help. the though comes and goes but its slowly dissipating. I question my reality at times, and if I'm crazy and I just don't know it, like if my family is really there or im just imagining them, just crazy 0103 I've never thought before that shakes me to the core. I especially think I'm schizophrenic now, and i had to write this, because I was just in my german class and i had the thought, "what if everyone is a robot?" and it was haunting me for the past hour - I had to rationalize it for like 45 minutes, but i know how freaking wild it sounds and that its crazy, yet the thought stayed in my mind and I couldn't concentrate in class. I ran into a friend and i was just so anxious he was talking to me and i was responding but i felt so awkward because I had that thought. I keep thinking this is how it starts and then one day I'll just be bat 0103 crazy and wouldn't even know it. I passed a few hot girls on my way to class and i just thought "well then those are just some sexy 0104 robots" just to prove that its a ridiculous idea. Lately I have also been thinking negatively paranoid thoughts when people look at me, like why did they look at me like that, even if it was nothing and I know it could be a million other reasons for it but i can't help my brain from jumping to negative thoughts first. I'm seriously losing my mind here, and I just feel like I messed up my brain for good, and I deserve it. I knew I shouldn't have smoked to deal with my every issue these past several months, but I did, and this is what I get for it. I have always been neurotic and had a very minor ocd tendencies. (tapping my feet in a symmetric manner, left foot twice, right foot twice stuff..) but i never suffered from extreme anxiety or paranoia, or even depression. I was so content with life and I just don't know if I will ever be the same again. Lastly, this depersonalization has been going on for days on end now, only feeling good in the mornings basically, before theres time for anything to sink in. Anyway, I hope that at least some of this will help people, but most importantly, i hope that this will help me, at least by finally writing it out. Just so you know I am seeing a psychologist, I'm not locked up in my room with no friends, I still play sports at least twice a week and hang out with friends and socialize and junk. I just think i'm going crazy and that people who are becoming schizophrenic or delusional start by first not believing the thoughts and ultimately they do... does anyone know if this is true??
This was really hard for me to write and idk who will read this, but if you think you can help, please don't hesitate to post something.