I'm new here and I hope you can help me. I'm kind of getting a little desperate. I don't know what to do anymore. For like four years I have this certain fear. I came out of the middle of nowhere, just so sudden. I'm not sure how to say it, because I'm very ashamed of it. It's so stupid! I'm being scared for nothing! Well, I'll just tell it. I'm really afraid of being abducted. I don't know why. I know I shouldn't be so scared. It doesn't happen that often, does it? There is a very, very little chance of getting abducted. But still, I'm so afraid.
It all started four years ago. Somehow I started with watching innocent videos on youtube about soaps. Mostly the videos would only contains the scenes that had something to do with the kidnappings. Some were better than others. I discovered a lot of good soaps. Like Botineras and Cuando Seas Mia. At the beginning I'd watch a few, but as the days past, I watched more and more. I don't even know why. On a certain point, it felt like an obsession. I started to get this super scary thoughts about those abductions, placing myself in the scene. Some videos weren't even that scary, but others were terrifying. Well, I had this kind of thing that those scary thoughts would only dissappear if I would watch all those videos. That watching only made it worse, but it was the only way to get rid of those thoughts. I've had endless nightmares.
Later on, I somehow started to read stories about kidnappings. Like the story of Jaycee Lee Dugard. The weird thing is that these behaviours I had were only during periods. I've periods that everything was fine. No thoughts, no nightmares. Those periods would last like half a year, sometimes even a whole year. But at some point those periods would return. So sudden.
This monday I was feeling sick at school (I'm not an adult, I'll explain later), so I went home earlier. At the end of the day I was started to feel better and I thought I'd be ready to go to school again the next day. But that evening this damn fear striked again. And worse that ever! I've never had this fear so bad as I have now! That feeling came back, one side of me wanted to watch one of those videos again, the other side didn't want it so bad. I kinda begged myself not to. I know it's weird, but I can't do anything about it.
Just as you know, a LOT of people quit at this point. They don't take me seriously. Please listen, because I really want help.
Bu I watched it anyways. I always watch the parts that are the worst. Over and over again, until I go to next. My muscles get tensed and a feeling of fear gives me a headache. Now, I also read written stories about kidnappings. Some are really bad, but I read them. Something makes me watching all these videos and read all those stories. Sometimes I write down what I would do if it'd happen to me. I'd sit in front of the mirror crying.
I'm feeling so ashamed! I'm feeling like an idiot. I really do, I want to quit these stupid things, but I can't. Somehow. Now it's wednesday, and I've had a feeling of severe fear since that evening. I'm getting tired of trying to quit and I'm so sick of it! I just want to go to school, without being so alert and being so tensed. Everyone scares me when they tap on my shoulder just to ask something.
So yeah, this was it. I still feel like I haven't told everything, but it feels so much better to just to tell someone. I just don't even dare telling someone. Not my mentor of school, not my friends, not even my parents. I've told my mother once about the videos, but we didn't talk about it after. I hope you can help me, because I'm breathing very heavy all day, and I'd like to get rid of the fear. Thank you so much for reading!