Alright guys, so here's the deal. My sister's wedding is quickly approaching. Normally this would be a cause for joy, but not in my case.
The civil wedding is this Tuesday, and I worried about it quite a bit. To start with, I wasn't in the best of moods when I returned from my countryside vacation last friday. I had a few anxiety issues, but I thought the modern world will drown them ( I had no internet connection for one and a half month ). I was wrong.
I paid too much attention to the symptoms and the anxiety itself and paid the iron price for it :d. The day after ( Saturday ) I went with my mother and brother to buy proper clothing. My hands began to sweat, like it usually happens when I go outside. I rarely feel calm and relaxed because of the bully I received 13 or so years ago. To cut to the chase, that annoying perspiration, along with a bit of agoraphobia and fear of being judged for my sweaty hands led to an unpleasant experience. I'll tell you about it now.
So I went shopping. As soon as I entered the building, I felt the sprinkles of panic and the powder of derealization settling in. "What are you doing here? Why don't you get the hell out?" Mind screamed at me. I tried to ignore it and turn this mess into something positive. Saying "joy" would be too much. I climbed the stairs all the way to the second floor, wiping my hands on my leggings and desperately trying to engage in small talk to distract myself. It didn't work that well. I went between rows of suits, and then I saw....
Surprise, surprise. My sister and her soon-to-be-husband were there. He was trying a new suit, and the two ladies helping him were giving me eyes. What a joy. Me, in a new setting, surrounded by both family and strangers. I immediately started panicking. I felt hot and started sweating like an olympic runner while I talked and fake-smiled my way out of it. I walked around too, as standing still only added salt to the wound. Then my sister comes at me, all happy and giddy.
"Here, try this!"
Whaaaa? I didn't realize what happened until this young lady comes at me and dresses me in a tuxedo. Few things stirred more fear than that piece of cloth wrapping around me. Anyway, I somehow passed through this and that. I tried more suits and pants until I found one that my family liked. I liked it too, but didn't pay that much attention to it. You know why.
Today, I went to buy shoes. Same story, with slightly happier results. I tried to appear genuinely happy. Although I think I succeeded, I still felt very anxious and insecure. Still, it's progress.
But tomorrow? What am I going to do? I'm scared! It pains me to admit, after the new things I learned about the anxiety and all the good things I experienced during my vacation. I know my hands will go sweaty again and I'll worry like an idiot about things other people take for granted. There will be relatives and friends attending. By all means, it should be fun. I'll have new faces to see and talk to.
But here I am, trembling like a leaf and pleading for your aid.
What can I do to turn tuesday's civil wedding into a pleasant experience? Is there something I can do? Like I said, almost all my life I've been weary and uncomfortable around strangers. Heck, even relatives. I don't want them to know about my leaky problem.
I hope I'll hear from you guys soon. Oh, and apologies for the long read. I couldn't help it :D.