Cuchculan, thank you. I know you are right. I know that at a very stressful time (we just decided to move two weeks ago, so in two weeks we found a house, packed and moved. THAT is stressful) I allowed myself to get run down, I allowed myself to retreat to this old common way of life because I just didn't have the strength or time to fight back. I honestly believe that the hardest part of all of this is that I am a logical, sane, wise person. This.....whatever it is, illness, disorder, pain in the butt makes me feel like I'm the dumbest, weakest, most illogical person that I have ever met. So right now, I'm great. Sitting here talking about fighting back and standing up and taking my life back and it all sounds so plausible. But whenever it rears it's head I will be on my knees crying and wishing I were dead. Makes me crazy as I can get. But, I have done it a couple times, and this time will be nothing different. The older I get the harder it gets to fight. I just want it gone permanently.
Italianyc84, trust me...I get that completely. I see other people planning concerts and trips to vegas or family vacations. They start making their lists and planning on food and drinks and what to wear and what to bring...i start planning out all the ways it's going to suck. And I feel like I have started to zap the joy out of my friends, family and children's lives. It sucks. I look back to a time when things were normal and I have never wanted anything back so much in all my life. I don't understand why I should have to fight so hard just to run in and grab milk for some cereal or sit in a movie theater like so many other people. It's not fair and it's making me very very angry.