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Author Topic: Watching my life deteriorate before my eyes....  (Read 618 times)

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Offline kimberlyann586

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Watching my life deteriorate before my eyes....
« on: September 02, 2013, 07:48:08 PM »
Hi.  I've dealt with this anxiety crap for years...probably 20 years off and on.  (I'm almost 40 now.)  I have patches of time where only certain things will bring it on.  I have gone periods where I don't have it for months and months at a time.  I have tried as many techniques as I can possibly try.  This past year I was anxiety free, okay, panic attack free, because everyone deals with anxiety from time to time, but I was panic attack free for a little over a year and I thought I was onto something wonderful.  Then one day BOOM!!!! And now that it has come back, it's come back with vengeance.  It's strong and hateful and powerful and it's ruining my life.  I ended up going to the ER for the first time in all of my 20 years of anxiety and I was prescribed Xanax.  Now I deal with the panic until I can't stand it and then I take the xanax.  Either way, the whole thing sucks.  And because of the xanax, I can't even have a glass of wine with my husband while we sit on our patio.  I can't attend craft beer parties, I can't have sex because it raises my heart rate and that will send me into panic.  I can't jog or do any type of exercise.  I can't do anything! and I'm angry and i'm frustrated and I'm sad.  They always say that if everything was good all the time you would never really appreciate it.  After having this past year of really feeling good, really feeling happy, going backwards is killing me!!!  Sorry, really needed to say it all out loud to someone.  Thank you for reading and listening.
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Watching my life deteriorate before my eyes....
« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2013, 06:16:33 AM »
Just look at how good you were doing. You can do that good again. This doesn't have to be the end of everything. What you done was have a panic attack and instead of saying ' it is only a setback ', you accepted that the panic attacks were back full time. You expected another one. It happened. We all have setbacks. It is all about what we do next. We can invite the condition back into our lives again. Or we can see it for what it really is. Just a setback. The last setback I had was in a shop. You know what I done? Went outside and composed myself. Then back into the same shop. My way of saying ' you are not going to beat me '. There are times we have to stand up and face front on. Hard as it may seem. It will bring on bad feelings. But the longer those bad feelings stay there, the more the body gets used to them. Can take time. Can be a long road back. But there is always a road back. Just have to believe in yourself. Feed off your past. How good you had been doing. You can do all that all over again. It just takes a bit of fight. No given in to it. Can I suggest you ask your doctor to do a stress test on you. To show you that your heart is perfect. Nothing wrong with it all. This is some idea you have you gotten into your head. Fast heart = panic attack. Stress test will show you how good your heart is.
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Offline italianyc84

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Re: Watching my life deteriorate before my eyes....
« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2013, 09:37:45 AM »
I'm in a similar boat.  I've been dealing with anxiety/panic for the past eight years.  The first year I went to the ER 26 times!!  I had every test possible for my heart, my brain, I thought I was allergic to everything, etc.  I haven't had a full blown panic attack in several years, though I still would get anxiety.  This past year I've felt SO much better, to the point where I was even considering tapering off of klonopin, which I've been taking as needed since the beginning of all this. 

And then one day on the subway a few weeks ago, BAM, panic attack.  Ever since then I've been afraid to take the subway.  I've taken it a few times and panic the whole way, even if I take klonopin first.  I've been driving to work as much as I can, but parking in Manhattan every day is expensive, so it's just not an option.  Plus, I WANT to be free from this!! I feel very depressed lately because I can't believe I'm right back where I started.  This time it's different--I KNOW I'm not dying.  I know it's a panic attack, and not a heart attack.  I'm just terrified of HAVING the attack and losing control in public.  I had a pedicure last week and couldn't relax because all I could think about was anxiety.  I don't like to be anywhere where I can't make a quick getaway.  I'm seeing a Broadway show next week and already starting to freak about that...what if I have a panic attack during the show?

I feel like I can't enjoy myself anymore.  It's ruining my life.   
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Offline kimberlyann586

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Re: Watching my life deteriorate before my eyes....
« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2013, 11:40:56 AM »
Cuchculan, thank you.  I know you are right.  I know that at a very stressful time (we just decided to move two weeks ago, so in two weeks we found a house, packed and moved.  THAT is stressful) I allowed myself to get run down, I allowed myself to retreat to this old common way of life because I just didn't have the strength or time to fight back.   I honestly believe that the hardest part of all of this is that I am a logical, sane, wise person.  This.....whatever it is, illness, disorder, pain in the butt makes me feel like I'm the dumbest, weakest, most illogical person that I have ever met.  So right now, I'm great.  Sitting here talking about fighting back and standing up and taking my life back and it all sounds so plausible.  But whenever it rears it's head I will be on my knees crying and wishing I were dead.  Makes me crazy as I can get. But, I have done it a couple times, and this time will be nothing different.  The older I get the harder it gets to fight.  I just want it gone permanently.

Italianyc84, trust me...I get that completely.  I see other people planning concerts and trips to vegas or family vacations.  They start making their lists and planning on food and drinks and what to wear and what to bring...i start planning out all the ways it's going to suck.  And I feel like I have started to zap the joy out of my friends, family and children's lives.  It sucks.   I look back to a time when things were normal and I have never wanted anything back so much in all my life.  I don't understand why I should have to fight so hard just to run in and grab milk for some cereal or sit in a movie theater like so many other people.  It's not fair and it's making me very very angry. 
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