I need to talk to you. I need to tell you
how it is that you affect my life. I'm
certain that what I'm about to say
won't be news to you, however, I
need you to hear it and I need to put
it down. So I'm going to tell you anyway.
I'm doing this for me, not you.
You are an unwanted companion.
Never did I ask for you to be part of
my life. When I wake up in the morning,
sometimes you are there waiting
to talk to me; waiting to tell me that I
won't be able to conquer the challenges
that the day will offer. It's almost
like you're a child with a secret,
standing there in front of me, almost
bursting with anticipation; hardly able
to restrain yourself. I hate to see you
first thing. I hate to hear your voice.
You make me silent. You keep me
from speaking. You make me afraid to
give voice to feelings, opinions and
even needs. I suppress everything because
you make me afraid that the
things I'll say will cause anger, annoyance
and perhaps pain. So behind the
false smile, the one that only the closest
people to me can recognize as
false, your words go on in my head
with your dire predictions of consequences
in the form of played out minimovies.
You show me that nothing I
say will end well. So I keep silent.
There are mornings, when I wake, and
you're not right there in front of me.
Everything feels right. Everything feels
good. However, you are never gone.
You're just further away. Sometimes I
catch a glimpse of you sulking in the
corner; sullen and angry that I'm not
paying attention to you, or, better put,
that there is nothing that is allowing
you to pay attention to me. Sometimes
I can go a whole day or two without
being harassed by your foolishness. If
only I could figure out how to create
that peace, that beautiful and silent
peace, find the ingredients and blend
them together, bottle it up and save it
for the days when you first open your
mouth to speak to me. Then, perhaps, I
could never see you again; never hear
your deceitful, harmful, hurtful words.
Never worry the way you make me
However, there is no magic potion, no
fantastic elixir and no permanent cure.
There is management.
I have gotten help. I've learned some
things about you. How you work. How
you manipulate. How you tell lies. I've
learned about ways to stop you, ways to
work around you and, while I may not
be able to silence you completely, I've
learned ways to quiet you. You and I will
probably always battle. Right now you
win more than I do because you've had
years of training. You have several
strategies and numerous tricks. I'm new
to performing in this type of
fighting game. I will learn my
own tricks and build my own
strategies. At some point
you will lose more often
And I will wake up more
often without you there. I
have learned there can be a
life without you so close to
me; that you and I will go
days without speaking and,
when we do, it will be me
that does most of the talking.
I will be in control of the
conversation. I will speak and, if need be,
perhaps Iíll permit you to. I look forward
to those days because I know, if I can
find the strength to speak over you, I
wonít need to keep silent in life.
My voice is just as important as any
other. I will be heard.
For now, Anxiety, Goodbye.