Hey everyone. I would like to apologize in advance for the long post. I just need somewhere to vent and get some feedback.
My anxiety started about a month ago. While I was at work, I started having anxious thoughts. I guess this sort of lead into a panic attack- I felt an intense feeling of dread. I felt dizzy and I felt as if I was going crazy and that I was going to loose consciousness. I also felt really disconnected from the world, it felt as if my soul was ripped out of my body (depersonalization) and I freaked out because I had never experienced this before. Prior to this experience, I would get these "5 second" feelings of being out of place, but I eventually "came back" if that makes sense. These feelings felt like I was under the influence of weed, which I started at the age of 17. I never smoked a lot, but the last 2 occasions I smoked excessively. (in October and June) Ever since my panic attack at work, I haven't been the same since. I constantly worried about my health the majority of my day and I continued to struggle with high anxiety and feelings of derealization and depersonalization. One of my biggest fears in life is to loose control and go crazy. And I always feared schizophrenia after learning about the disorder in psychology class. Everytime I had these weird feelings , I was convinced that I was in fact going crazy and developing the disorder. I started to do more research and found out the the onset of the disorder was around the late teens/early 20s (I'm 18) and I found out that marijuana can increase the likelihood of developing the disease (which I have done in the past) , and I kept looking up the symptoms and some symptoms such as "brain fog" and loss of emotion totally matched up. I was convinced that I was living my worst fear. However, I also learned that anxiety has a way of making the individual constantly worry about problems and thinking the worst outcome, so I tried to start thinking more positive.
Feeling hopeless and frustrated, I booked an appointment with my general doctor, who basically told me that it was just anxiety and he booked me an appointment with a behavior consultant. I explained to him everything- how I felt, my experiences, and my fears. He basically just told me it was anxiety and he told me that he was positive that I didn't have schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder, which provided me with much comfort. He sort of just told me to practice deep breathing and continue to go out with my friends to take my mind off my anxiety- and that eventually I would get better. I tried to continue with my positive outlook, but all that came to a halt when one night I had fallen asleep around 3AM and woke up around 5AM (anxiety has messed up my sleep) I couldn't go back to sleep because of my thoughts, and I fell asleep on my couch around 9AM, and no more than 5-10 minutes later, I woke up and basically started hallucinating. I felt half awake and half asleep, and I felt very groggy. I woke up and I saw where I was at on the couch, I started seeing colorful geometric shapes and lights and I heard a constant beeping noise. It scared the hell out of me, and while I was hallucinating, I thought that "This is it. I'm going crazy." I was frozen and couldn't do anything. Eventually after about 10 seconds, I snapped out of it and everything was normal again. Frightened, I went on Google once again and came across sleep paralysis and hypnagogic hallucinations. (Can't you tell I spend too much time on Google?) I tried to search causes of hypnagogic hallucinations and I came across sleep deprivation, narcolepsy, stress, anxiety, insomnia, etc. I know I do not have narcolepsy, but I read somewhere that it could be schizophrenia and that if you have these hallucinations and don't have narcolepsy, it is a possibility that it could be schizophrenia. However, I tried to make myself better, and think that this experience happened simply because of my horrible sleeping patterns. A couple weeks ago, while at work my co-worker offered me some gum and I thought to myself "What if this gum is poisoned?" I freaked out because I knew that she wouldn't do something like that, and I started to wonder why I would even come to that conclusion. I read somewhere in a book that some people with anxiety experience paranoid thoughts because of the excess amount of adrenaline within the body, so I still continued to try to stay positive.
Lately, I have been experiencing severe pain on the right side of my head, and I have no clue what this means. It wasn't until a few days ago, when I was at work and I was thinking about "What if I hear voices or see things that aren't real?" And I was serving a customer when I heard a voice command me to do a certain action. It sounded like "Ask them this." I started to freak out and wonder if this was a result of me thinking too much or did I really hear a voice? Ever since then, I have been feeling completely depressed. There are times when I feel completely emotionless and empty. I can't help but just cry everyday because I'm so convinced that I'm going to loose control of my life soon. I feel like its only a matter of time until I start to hear and see things that aren't real. I am convinced that I am living my worst nightmare. I often think to myself that I cannot live on like this anymore, and I tell myself that if I have this specific disorder, I will just end my life because I have so much in life that I wanted to accomplish and if I develop a certain disorder/loose my mind, I will not be able to achieve my dreams. There are times when I feel totally out of it and feel so unreal and I start to question reality (might be from DP/DR) I spend so much time on the computer looking at specific disorders and its hard to believe that I don't have schizophrenia when I'm in the age range, and that I've done marijuana in the past. My family says that I've just been on the computer too much and that I'm just putting stuff in my head, and they say that its just anxiety and that my anxiety caused my depression. I fear the worst and I think that anytime soon, I could just loose touch with reality. There is nothing more in life that I want than to be normal. I can't go on in life feeling like this. My doctor doesn't return my emails and I've called 2 psychiatrists and they aren't taking any patients. I am truly convinced that I'm in the process of totally loosing it. I need help and reassurance. Can anyone relate to my experience? Does anyone know what all this could be?
Also, I have OCD, if that helps. I had it ever since I was little, and ever since my anxiety started, it sort of came back. My family tells me that I'm not going crazy, and they tell me it's all in my head. I have heard that people that really go crazy don't know they are crazy, but I can't help but think that I'm in the "process" of going crazy and that there will come a day when I just loose it. ):
Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it.