About a week ago, I had a massive panic attack. I get migraines, and with them sometimes comes what's called an "ocular migraine". You basically go partially blind for a little while before/after/during the migraine. Here are some examples of what it looks like:
I've gotten them for most of my life but I didn't know what they were until recently. They've always scared me but not like this. Anyway, on the day I had my panic attack, I was seeing flashes in the corner of my eye and I started shaking out of control. I didn't realize at the time that it was a panic attack and I made my mom take me to the hospital a few days later, fearing epilepsy or some sort of brain problem that would affect my eyes and make me convulse like I did. They took blood and pee, did an ekg and all that and luckily everything came back normal. The only thing they found was lots of fluid behind my ears indicating a sinus problem. They said my throat looked very red too, so my doctor thinks its an upper respiratory problem.
It made me feel better for a while but the thing is, I don't feel sick! I'm not sneezing or coughing besides a few occasional times like I usually would. So I find the diagnosis very hard to believe. He said it was a virus that would go away on its own, but nothings getting better. I have bad eyesight in general (I wear glasses for distance) but one of my eyes is now blurrier than the other and I can't remember if its always been that way or if I'm just obsessing over it now. I keep getting floaters, black spots in my vision that are white when I close my eyes, little translucent circles, and lines in my vision. I get headaches, dizziness, etc and sometimes it feels like I can't breathe enough or my lungs are too small or something. That's the only way I can describe it. I'm super sensitive to light and color all of a sudden; everything seems too bright and intense. My eyes become dry and itchy sometimes but I'm afraid to rub them at all. My period is also about a week late which really worries me, but I'm not pregnant as far as I know. They tested me at the hospital.
All of this is affecting my life a lot. I don't enjoy life like I used to. I'm living in fear of something bad or scary happening to me. I've heard people talk about the "impending doom feeling", well that's exactly how it is for me. I try to keep myself busy and convince myself ill be better soon but then my eyes will act up or ill feel off and it's right back into panic mode.
I have little to no appetite. I can't fall asleep because I'm afraid ill wake up blind, or deaf, or paralyzed, or that I wont wake up at all. I stay up until I'm physically exhausted because I just can't relax otherwise. And the second I wake up I feel anxious, and I jump out of bed and check myself in the mirror to make sure nothings wrong with me. I've convinced myself that my eyes are getting worse everyday. Going blind has always been one of my biggest fears so it's almost like a living nightmare. I'm now terrified of being alone yet I used to love my alone time. I feel like a burden to everyone because I don't want people to leave me, even just to go to the bathroom for a sec. I'm afraid something terrible will happen while they're gone and ill be helpless. My bf had been at my house for days because I didn't want to sleep alone. He had to leave tonight and now I'm at my grandma's house because my mom works the night shift and I can't be alone.
Over the years I've learned to manage my anxiety and depression. I thought the days of me being a slave to this were over. Now that it's back, it's worse than ever. I feel like I'm in a deep hole that I'll never escape from; like this can only end badly and I'll never feel like myself again. I lie in bed at night and wonder, will my boyfriend still love me if I go blind? How could I continue to do the things I love (such as drawing) if I can't even see? How much longer do I have to live a normal life? It's all so scary to think about. It consumes me.
Is there anyone out there with similar issues? I really need some guidance, or an explanation for why these things are happening to me. I can't live like this any longer. I'm driving myself, and everyone around me, crazy with all my worries. Help? :c