In retrospect, I've had some level of anxiety/depression as long as I can remember, but it wasn't until last year that it began to seriously interfere with my life. It was my freshmen year at an elite college I'd dreamed of and fought for, someplace where for the first time I actually fit in, and every aspect of it was better than I'd realistically hoped. Every aspect except me. I had been away from home before. I had been in demanding academic environments before. But for whatever reason I just fell apart about a month in. I stopped leaving my room (my bed), or attending classes, and worked as hard as I could to not complete assignments. The few assignments I managed to start, were left half-complete and handed in days or weeks late; even when I did finish something I would sometimes inexplicably avoid submitting it. For a little while I rationalized this, since grades themselves have never been important to me. By the end of the first term, I realized how serious things were, when even activities that I did purely for my own enjoyment became tainted and exhausting. There were small blips every few weeks where I told myself that my bad habits could change, that maybe this time I would be a worthwhile human being, but after a few days those resolutions would inevitably collapse. Etc. Most of you probably have experienced this cycle yourselves, or at least read about it. 'snot fun.
So, long story short, I've been on academic suspension for the last year, to hopefully get my act together. At every step of the way I discovered a nasty knack for self-sabotage. In spite of that, I've made some distinct improvements over the last few months - especially with my social anxiety issues. Not coincidentally, it's also been over the last few months that I starting haunting these forums. This summer, I struggled through the necessary classes at a nearby state school. It looks like I'll be returning to DreamU in a couple of weeks. I'm still deeply unsure if I can keep from repeating old mistakes. Since I'll be leaning heavily on this forum, I figured I'd stop haunting and actually introduce myself. So, hello world! Thank you for being there!