Panic attacks and phobia...starting again bigtime

[scaredgirl]

Hi,

I'm new here and not sure if I should tell the long version...I'll try and be brief.  It's just good to find a site where I can see others with the same feelings I have.

I'm 34 and my panic attacks started when I was 19.  They got so bad I could only be home or in my room.  Since I was little, I've had kinda a "thing" about throwing up or being around people doing it..with the panic attacks, it got to the point where I was so afraid I would (and the pa's give me nausea) that I would only eat bread and gingerale, and anything bland.  I was less than a size 0.
I went on Imipramine for awhile, which helped.  Been off and on meds for years...Zoloft, Paxil (made me majorly depressed), Celexa, Lexapro (gained over 40 lbs on that, that didn't help my depression..went into a severe spiral of drinking..no pa's though...).  Went off Lexapro last year.  Was also on Wellbutrin for smoking but because I lost health insurance, I had to stop it.

My LICSW prescribed me Xanax for insomnia and when I get a panic attack.  For a long time now, they were rare, and when they came, not too bad.  Over the past month or so, they're getting worse.  They're pretty bad when I drive on the highway, especially at night...I don't know why I've always had this highway driving thing....I think I feel trapped.  The other night I was going out to meet my boyfriend and I had to get off the highway one exit before mine because I felt like I was losing it.  I couldn't even have a drink out (my drinking issue was happily resolved last year, I know mostly drink socially or just have a glass or two of wine, compared to a bottle a night..). 
I'll feel like I can't swallow...and it's such an overwhelming fear of trying to swallow...then I get nauseous.  I've had to lie to my pcp and tell him my acid reflux issues make me nauseous and have gotten him to prescribe an anti-emetic for me, which I try only to take in emergencies (and if I'm really physically ill).  I am so terrified to throw up.  I mean, it's BAD. 
I will be fine one minute, then horrible the next.  Last night I went out to dinner, and I was getting that "afraid to swallow" feeling at dinner.  But I ate anyway, and throughout the movie it was happening.  It was horrible.  After the movie I started to feel really sick, and shaky, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to walk.  I got a drink and had to pop a Xanax and the other pill and made my boyfriend take me home (told him I got paged for work and had to dial in...he had to drive our friend home by himself at midnight).  I don't know why this is happening again.  It's making me depressed.  I know I have to see a therapist again....and I have insurance now so I could try the wellbutrin again, supposedly that might help too....but I'm so afraid to start more meds (here's some really insane thoughts..) because I'm afraid to gain the weight back.  I've been slim all my life, and for the first time, for a year, I was over a size 12.  To me, that caused such a depression and I'm so afraid of that happening again....

But I can't go on like this.  I can't sleep (that's nothing new really) and then if I wake up in the middle of the night, sometimes I feel anxious.

I get so scared of feeling sick....

I just needed to "talk' to people that understand..thanks for listening.

[apple]

Have you tried "Behavior Therapy"?  This is what has helped me the most out of everything.  I totally get the nauseous feeling and choking down food because it is hard to swallow. 

The behavior therapy will help you address the way you think and how you react to things...The constant physical anxiety can be directly linked to the thought process.  You worry about your symptoms so that you actually create them!!

Hope things get better for you

[tanaylor]

Hey I compltely understand the throwing up thing.  I've also had that issue ever since I was little.  When I would feel even a little stomache discomfort I would completely freak out and think I was going to throw up.  It was the worst at night because I have this thing with laying down when I feel like I have to throw up, I think it might be because when I was little one time I woke up in the middle of the night and threw up in my bed... so I think that's why I think I can't lay down when I feel nauseaous. 

The last 6 months or so was when it was the worst for me, then I finally went to see a psych, and got diagnosed with panic disorder and was put on Clonezapam.  I've only been on it a few weeks, but let me say its been a godsend.  I've been able to do things I would never have been able to do before, like eat at a restaurant... we always used to have to get take out because I was afraid to eat there and then maybe get sick.... again because once when I was little I threw up at a restaurant... so now I think I relate it to that... but with the meds its helped me sooo much... I'm also starting behavior thereapy so I can control the pa's after I stop the meds.  We'll see how it works. 

So I can definatley relate to you about the getting sick thing, and therefore the driving thing, because if I'm not driving I'm afraid of getting carsick, and just not being in control of the car... I will always off to drive... I also havent drank in about 2 years because I'm afraid I'll drink too much and feel sick...

But anyways I hope this helps to know that you are definately not the only one who has this problem... Definately see your doc again and think about meds combined with therapy so you dont have to be dependent on the meds forever... just a suggestion!  hope this helps!

[scaredgirl]

Thank you so much for replying to me.  I've been so stressed lately, not to mention panicky and depressed...I thought I was ok yesterday, and things were getting better...but then I started to feel sick during the day as I was driving to another job so I had to take an anti-emetic and go back to my building and make excuses.  Later in the day, I thought I was better so I made the 40 minute drive to my bf's...my heart was palpitating so bad I thought I needed to go to the hospital (I've had an arrythmia for years, this is the first time it ever kicked in on a pa), but that went away by the time I got there so I knew it was panic.  I felt sick again, couldn't swallow the whole ride without doing this weird thing where I have to put my hand to my mouth in order to swallow.  ??
Tonight I was ok, went out for a drink after work with my friend...and had a hard time swallowing the whole time.  Had to do the hand on mouth thing.  It's so weird. I didn't feel sick, thank God, but ...

I'm going to make some calls tomorrow to see a therapist..I haven't had good luck in the past, especially with men for some reason.  They turn into jerks.  The last woman I went to got mad at me because I didn't have $400 to go to her weekly group session.  It's like, I have this major panic thing, and depression, everying worries me, it's affecting every aspect of my life and I feel out of control.  I hate it.

[apple]

Keep on fighting OK...you will get better as long as you never give up. Meds therapy..whatever it takes.

I hope the next therapist is helpful :)

[mbabynz]

things may seem really hard for you now and that you think there is no end in site.But there is hang in there and get all the help you can get wheather its meds or therapy what ever will give you some relief.i have been down that road and can happily say i am so much better i fully understand what your going through.just keep on writing where here all to support you through this rough time.
take care
mbabynz