When I was 17 I put myself in the hospital due to severe anxiety, panic and insomnia. I did all the huge testing and they put me on Haldol and some other stuff, can't even remember it. I didn't feel "crazy" but I did have a few instances when I was 17 and when I was about 29 or 30 where I saw someone I knew and felt terrified of them and they looked like they were going to kill me. It was so weird, but it went away. I refer to those as psychotic episodes. I have had maybe 5 of them since I was 17 and none really until recently. I also used to get dissociation, depersonalization, derealization stuff a lot.
I have been under tremendous stress since turning 40 last December. I have HUGE in law problems where they have been controlling most of my life for almost 3 years. I have been a heart worrier and did all the tests for that. Finally found that I have sleep apnea and also have hyperventilation syndrome so I sort of quit worrying so much about my heart. My brain, with nothing to latch onto and be scared of, is now doing a lot of weird thinking.
My OCD which has pretty much been extremely mild for the past 20 years has become increased over the past few months. I have more intrusive thoughts than before and more compulsions. I have more obsessions but now they're religiously focused (as they were when I was a young teen). I have scrupulosity and feel condemned by God and attacked by the devil all the time. I have magical thinking where I connect things from my mind to objects (I can't wear certain clothes, I can't do certain everyday things etc. or something bad will happen and so on). I have superstitions (like when there was a dead bird on my lawn or when I went to church and opened a book to the funeral page or see the Obits in the paper or when I was at the bookstore and saw a copy of Dante's Inferno and some book with some devil face on it and so on. My license plate says M45 DYZ which I take to mean I will die at 45 as my name begins with M. -- of course I've been obsessed with license plates now and saw one that said W29 DED on someone's car and other stuff.)
I had a weird thought once a week or so ago that "you are going to die" and a sensation of reality like came with it like it was absolutely TRUE somehow. Almost like someone was confirming it. I also may have had a touch of this when I told myself I was going to hell, but I am not sure what I felt.
I have been feeling like things all "mean something". I had some lab results that were a bit off about my kidneys (which I think set all this stuff off, honestly because I was so scared and they left me for two weeks in a perpetual state of terror!) and I finally saw an internist who reassured me that nothing worrisome was going on. I had myself so worked up over it for 2 weeks I think that's why I started getting superstitious and seeing "death" in everything.
Today I had a scary incident where someone on a conference call I was in asked the other person about how old their kids were and for a few seconds I felt disconnected as a mother, as if I didn't have a kid or used to have a kid but not anymore. It was absolute terror.
I will say that my child is supposed to start kindergarten soon and I am extremely anxious about it. I have been also withdrawing from my child for the past week, almost afraid to go near or look at my child because i fear that I will be contaminating with my anxiety, tears, etc. or I will somehow endanger my child. I have unbearable anxiety about it and I have also been distancing myself from my husband so sometimes when I look at my husband and child they don't seem like mine, they seem just a little unfamiliar. Sometimes my husband doesn't seem like himself for a second or two.
I have been having bad dreams where the devil's chasing me or out to get me and I'm crying out for Jesus in my dreams. I am always fighting in my dreams. I wake up with hallucinations sometimes (since 1999) and most of the time they're patterns or something like a lamp or plane but a couple of times I think I see a person or black shadow of a person. One time this week I woke in a panic and thought i saw a demon face in my curtain and I started telling it to go away in Jesus's Name. it wasn't really discernible and I'd been sleeping and this stuff always plagues me when I sleep because I think of it constantly during the day.
I called my old therapist since I don't have one up here and he said that I need to talk to a psych or a doc urgently and get some medication. He mentioned Haldol again (though they have newer stuff now I was told.) I see my family doc tomorrow and will ask him about getting on something. He mentioned tryingto keep me out of the hospital, and that he'd "seen me worse" back when I was first seeing him. I had terrible religious scrupulosity and obsessions then, constantly going to Mass and confession and seeing priests. I never feel forgiven and I always feel vulnerable and attacked.
At this point I feel like my mind is going, where I have feelings and thoughts and they're all so threatening. I also feel devoid of my own personality since moving up here because my in laws are so domineering and dominating. They pick on everything we do, and they are in our lives (my sister in law came over here to yell at us recently again). I feel like my whole life is under their control and judgement. I feel my every move is gossiped about (and honestly I'm not paranoid when I say that one. There's a lot of talk about us behind our backs.) My sister in law wrote me a letter even saying that she thought I was just trying to upset everyone.
This is because right now my husband has been home with me instead of at the family business. They are all angry with me for it, and angry with him. There's a lot of dominance there. I lost my self respect and we have been called childish and all sorts of mean things.
I saw a priest and had Confession but don't feel any better. I pray but I don't know if I have enough faith since I'm hanging by a thread. I feel completely hurt and vulnerable, paralyzed with fear.
I don't know if my problem is spiritual or mental, if it is a physical brain thing or some kind of supernatural thing. My father was paranoid schizophrenic. I thought that to be that you had to not know you were, but I have been reading about it and see how half of schizophrenics have insight that something is wrong. Also I read that some types of schizophrenia come out later in life, some are mild that come and go and so on.
I think the enormous stress of living under someone's watch all the time (they decided our house, where we lived, they provide my husband's salary) and dealing with the weather here (cold, dark winters), being away from my family and comfort zone, trying to please everyone and holding so much anger because I can't please anyone, and having religious delusions and weird feelings and phobias is making me lose my sense of reality. I actually even looked at my hand yesterday and I had no sense of attachment to it, like it was someone else's hand.
I have been crying so much and hysterical most of the time because I can't control the thoughts I keep having or what feelings go with them. I keep thinking they mean something, like I will die or my loved ones will be hurt or something. I also feel condemned, like I am unacceptable to God, and I also feel like I'm not sure God is there and I'm afraid that if I don't have faith then I will be condemned. So I can't win -- I don't know where to turn.
I see my doctor tomorrow and I am begging to see a psychiatrist.