I haven't been diagnosed with anything, I've only just started reaching out for help within the past couple of weeks, but I've struggled with anxiety for my whole life. It runs in the family so I kind of just figured that it was normal. I've been through so many relationships, the only two serious ones before my current both ended because the guy was cheating. After that I spent the next three years virtually single. I tried dating a few times, but it never lasted more than a few months. Some kind of self preservation would kick in and I'd find a reason to break things off before I ran the risk of developing strong feelings. I suffer from some very strong trust and abandonment issues on top of the anxiety.
Well 10 months ago my boyfriend and I started dating. We live together now, and for the most part things are really good... I don't know exactly what it was about him that made me decide to stay instead of running away, but I love him very much and know that he feels the same way. He's never done anything to betray my trust, and I want so badly to let myself trust him, but it's something I struggle with every day. Like, the rational part of my brain will tell me that he loves me, he's not going to leave me, and that he would never cheat on me. But whenever he's texting on his phone I need to know who he's talking to. His family lives across Canada from us so he talks to them on the phone a lot. But every time he leaves the room to talk to them (even though he says it's because he doesn't want to disturb me) I feel that he's doing it because he's keeping secrets from me. I'm not comfortable with him going out with his friends without me... All of these things make my hands and legs shake uncontrollably and I feel seriously sick to my stomach.
That being said, I know that all of these things make me appear controlling and jealous, and the last thing I want to do is restrict him! Like I said, I want to believe him. I just don't know how to let go. My entire life I've required a very high level of structure and control in my life, and before meeting my boyfriend I'd lived on my own (with two cats for company) for years. It's been a challenge to adjust to living with him, even to the way the dishes are placed in the cupboard, or if something is put away in the wrong drawer, or if he doesn't fold his laundry. Sometimes I get unreasonably angry when he does something differently than I would do it. I always apologize when I cool down, because I know it's a control issue for me.
I've been seeing a counsellor (much cheaper than a psychiatrist, which I can't afford. My benefit plan doesn't nearly cover what the costs would be) for six months but I don't feel like she's helping much at all. I talked to my family doctor a week ago and she prescribed me 5mg of Cipralex to start. I have a follow up with her next week and will likely move up to 10mg. So far I think it's helping, but I know it's a really low dose and that it can take weeks to fully take effect.
I'm new to this whole thing, has anyone been though anything similar, or have any advice for me and what I can do?