My HA makes me feel like I am going to deserve illness or like I will be at fault if I get it, for some perceived failure.
So tomorrow I've got an apt with my doc to get a lump on my cervix looked at. I found it last week by chance while doing a fertility check. I haven't felt it before, which means it is fairly recent. It's probably no bigger than a grain of rice, and feels smooth and firm. I've had four pap smears in the last 10 years, each one has been 'normal' not one abnormal result even once. My last was 2 years ago. So I know my likelihood of cancer is very low, and I also know that it doesn't just pop up out of nowhere.
I know the lump is probably a thing called a nabothian cyst that is really common and benign and can come with hormonal changes especially.
I've got the contraceptive implant, and for the last several months I've had prolonged off and on bleeding - like 4 weeks on 3 weeks off. My best friend had the same pattern and had her implant removed. I know this is very common. I also know when I've used long-acting progesterone contraceptive in the past I've experienced exactly this (Depo-Provera, thanks for the 6 months of annoying hassle!). I'm now on an additional combo-pill to even out my cycle, and this appears to be working (bleeding between periods stopped)
I also get BV, I've had problems with BV (pH imbalance) for years and years. That isn't new.
Each of those is a reasonable, rational thing. But having put them all together inside my head this week, it's added up to lump + bleeding + smell = cancer.
And then my brain goes AND YOU IGNORED IT. YOU ARE TO BLAME. YOU ARE GOING TO DESERVE IT NOW BECAUSE YOU DID NOTHING.
Guilt has always been a big part of my anxiety. For example, I got a nice sun tan then felt like I would get melanoma because I know UV is a factor and did it anyway. I used to smoke, so I'll get lung cancer because I was bad and did a bad thing. And now my anxiety-riddled brain is telling me It's cervical cancer because you ignored it, you could have run to the dr right away but you didn't because you excused each symptom rationally.
It doesn't make any sense, but it's what I do. I justify hyper-vigilance by saying that if I am not vigilant than illness will be my fault.
I had a full STD check in 2010 before getting married (as did my spouse), and in 2011 had full bloodwork done that also showed absolutely nothing. I have no reason to suspect anything is wrong, yet I still feel like a ball of worry.