I wonder what path my life should take now. I say should but there really isn't a should, it's what's going to happen. I just wonder how much control I have. I don't know what I'm doing with my life and maybe that's okay. I don't feel particularly successful. I was 26 yesterday. Now I'm twenty seven. I moved to a different part of the country and now what? These thoughts repeat in my head, different things and fears. Every day it's the same. I've had this for years and years and I hate it. I feel so alone. I wonder, should I try to make a life for myself? Would that even be possible? I'm highly intelligent but somehow feel incapable of moving anywhere with my life. Broken jobs, dashed commitments have colored my life. I often wonder if I can be....anything. I know I am different but I don't know how and why that matters.
I wonder if people with anxiety disorders can be successful with their lives. Everything works fine except for the anxiety I get. It has me going around in circles feeling more and more panicked, stressed and afraid. I don't get physically too bad, its just these thoughts. anxiety, fear...similar ideas I think and then they strike up and... I'm in a battle with it again.
The worst part is I've lost all confidence for myself and my future. I don't even plan on a future for myself. It scares me but it also doesn't. It's mildly comforting because I know that I can't make anything of this. I don't sense how it's possible. My head feels so crazy. I'm so tired. I'd give one day not to feel like, yoked in under this thing every day. Somehow the same fears, etc. ...I don't know.
I tried everything I'm stuck with it. I have to accept it and then it gets better. It gets better but it's always there, potentiating.