So life starts and the possibilities are endless. I spent all my time dreaming and working hard to make those dreams come true. Sickly optimistic and actually beginning to succeed life has a way of pulling the rug out from under you. You wanted to travel and see the world? Well how about a nice healthy dose of I don't think so!
I wanted the storm the world with music and a message of unshakable love, to shower love on everyone and foster a friendly, kind, compassionate world. I was young and ambitious but had some odd underlying social issue I couldn't quite put my finger on that kept pushing me back to ground zero. I was diagnosed with a neurological disorder at 15, but they couldn't quite put their finger on what it was. I began working full time at 14 and long story short work kind of took over my life. I put it aside at 18 to tackle music but was disenchanted by the ugly seedy underbelly and shady dealings involved with the business end of it. A girl's got to eat, so I went back to work after falling in love. We got married and had two babies, got to still play music on the side and actually developed a pretty awesome following. My job moved me up to the Pacific Northwest, where my hubby and I wanted to raise the girls. I just delved into work and not much social and did nothing but work 60 hour work weeks for 3 years straight. Then my body began to give way. Little bits at a time I deteriorated but kept trucking. It got to the point I couldn't walk at the end of the day and suffered frequent dislocations through out classes. I couldn't hold my guitar and my shoulder would dislocate at the piano, then my knee caps began dislodging and I became completely disabled. Shifted to a wheelchair and my shoulders became so loose they would disjoint with every turn of the wheel. Work let me go as there was nothing I was any longer capable of doing. My fingers were even too mangled to type.
Friends and followings disappeared as soon as I did. I began having an unbelievable terror when there was a knock at the door, a ring on the phone, or had to leave the house. I imagine it stemmed from the feeling of helplessness and the overwhelming amount of people who still wanted me to do things for them even in this state. Vultures.
So without the 60 hour weeks after 2 years I'm able to get around for short stints and type a little now, but I still have unbearable pain and frequent disjointedness. I'm sometimes trapped in my bed or room for weeks at a time. When I do get out I'm so tired of absolute strangers at the supermarket or anywhere I go asking me what's wrong with me and then saying, Oh!, and moving along like I'm a circus sideshow. I'm so tired of watching my kids be put up with me for cancelling another event, and become uninvolved as my passion and talent fall to the wayside. It's like watching the sun go down on my life only I have to still be alive to watch it go out. It's miserable, I feel insignificant, and terrified all the time. I've begun having nightmares and my heart is jumping out of my chest when I wake. Anti anxiety medications don't work, the doctors won't treat my pain because there are too many pill seekers out there and I'm young, my daughters are turning into trolls and are beginning to have their own hyper mobility issues. I stepped outside today and heard the music in the park downtown wafting through the air and the air went out of me. So much sadness, so much loss. So many dreams and ideas and just like that, they're gone.
So yeah...where now? Time to restructure.
I only have a couple of friends that have weathered this. They don't want to talk about any of it, it's depressing. I tried therapy, there were no answers there, just someone with no pain or difficulty trying to give me coping mechanisms I came up with day one in my 15 year challenge or I wouldn't have made it as far as I did.
So build new dreams? Or just take the ones I have and twist them a little bit? I may not be able to play a whole song or a venue, but I'm able to record little snippets at a time and the glorious wonders of the internet make me capable of at least sharing them with people. I may not be able to act on stage anymore, but I could toy with play writing. I may not be able to storm the world with enthusiasm and warmth, most days I do well to just make it to my back porch and turn the air blue, but I can do little things here and there that may make a little difference. I'll never be a Michael Angelo but I can make small paintings that may brighten someone's day. The important thing is to stop feeling sorry for myself for long enough to set things up to make it easy for me to do. It seems selfish to me, but my state of mind will be so much better and will change life in the whole household.
The fear and the anxiety? I haven't figured out to much what to do with that but I'm writing horror stories out of my nightmares. I found taking sublingual B and Time release Niacin helps a huge bit. I still have my climbing out of my skin days and my poor me days. I especially have the after all I did for the world days and why me days. But having something to look forward to, even just drawing a dinky picture, lifts my spirits just a little more. I think talking to all of you will, too, as I won't feel like the only person in the universe as I sit and stare at the room long enough to notice all the imperfections like gaps in the wall moldings and the carpet that needs vacuuming that I can't fix.
Thanks for being here and being open. Thanks for the friends I'm going to make. And thanks to the people who made this page so we aren't all out in the world feeling alone because we just can't handle the cruelty and ignorance beyond our front doors.
Hi, I'm Troglobite-a cave dwelling creature living almost completely in shadow. I hope you all still find hope and things that make you happy. Maybe we can help each other fight the good fight together.