I have recently had 2 years cancer clear. Diagnosed with a large tumor in 2010 at the age of 30 had my operation and chemotherapy. Times were tough and I got every side effect going, I am sure you have all been there or may be now. At the time I felt as if it was not me this was happening too, I had regrets about silly thoughts of wishing I was dead prior to cancer when life did not turn out as I hoped. Everyone around me said I took it all so well they were concerned I was in denial. And so I got better, felt better, was almost on a high then I came crashing down, all I talked about was cancer this and cancer that I was even sick of my own voice and I am sure my partner was too. So he sat me down and said I think you are depressed, I agreed, I sought help, did not qualify for CBT and found myself at a counsellor for people who have terminal cancer, so I went along to this, the counsellor sat and I babbled on about anything and everything, I felt awkward, uncomfortable and guilty that this counsellor is trained to counsel someone to their death, I felt this was not working and I needed telling what to do of focus on to take baby steps. My doctor prescribed anti-depressants, but I lost faith in counselling I have a toddler, a young child and my partner has two teenagers. Things have spiralled out of control over the past year, I piled on weight and have always been skinny, I feel fat, ugly, unattractive, cannot bare the sight of myself. On top of this the chemo has cause severe anaemia so I have not been feeling great, having to sit aside when the family has fun and all I wanted was to enjoy my children and get back to normal. Every little thing people in my family say or do has irritated me, I have been going around the house in strops, moaning, huffing, puffing, having an attitude towards those I love, feeling rejected, lonely, on the outside. The house is always a mess, the kids don't help, all normal things in a family yet they overwhelm me. My partner likes a lot of people around him, I can't cope with that right now and as things have gone downhill, we have stopped any sexual activity, on his part it is no longer of interest, because of the way I have been, no kisses, cuddles, he has been sleeping on the sofa. I cry too much, this just irritates him more, I take everything he says the wrong way, I am totally negative always and internally frustrated as I know I am doing it but can't stop myself. We work together too, which is a strain. Tonight the big finale, where I checked his 0401, pryed into his privacy as he was texting and acting suspicious, yes he was talking to his brothers ex, nothing sinister but there were kisses to and fro and I got mad and upset, jealous as that's all I crave from him is some attention, I, tried to be rational, asked him for a talk about us when the kids were all asleep and I held my ands up explained what I did, how neglected and rejected and on the outside I feel and he said I am playing games being deceitful and he cannot be with me any more I m unhappy, he is unhappy and he cannot forgive my snooping its over for good, no going back. I explained that I trust him and in reality know him well enough that I should know better, but I am feeling unloved, insecure and terrified that he will finish with me. He stuck by my side through everything, raised our baby when I was Unwell, I thought we could get thru anything. I feel that cancer has done this to me I hate it so much, I hate myself for letting I take over and have now let it ruin the one good thing I had in life, my heart is broken, my family is not close n I have no-one and nothing, just my two girls, I have no money, cannot bare to work with him as I will be a total mess. I need some help and reassurance, I don't know where to go, what to tell the kids, cancer has ruined my life and everyone around me, I need some people to talk to me. I value life not to do anything stupid but am hurting to that point.