Of course I need to let her go. It's over. But the memories mean a lot to the beholder. It's normal to feel a sense of loss and to remember the happy memories.
My history has led to right now. My past has predicted my state of being now. Psychology and psychiatry have a pretty good understanding of the origins of Clinical Depression, social anxiety, low self esteem etc. The hard part of being in a negative cycle like I have gotten into, is that it can take over one's life like it has mine. I think I have always had social anxiety.
I've never needed tons of friends to be happy. I think clinical depression is something that I was prone to having. I don't know why I have mental illness. I wish I had a broken arm instead. So many people say the same thing: positive attitude...find positive people...think positive...eat healthy...exercise. Some say it's just a mental thing and to change how you think. The positive stuff is true to only an extent I have come to realize. This is a medical condition that is stigmatized. What I have come to figure out is this condition needs treatment or it won't go away, it won't improve, it will likely cycle. For me that's how it is. I need medication to treat it, but the therapy part I still have to get back into because of the circumstances I have faced.
It's quite interesting to me to know what goes into the dynamics of mental illness and what is from the illness itself and what can be changed by the sufferer.
I can change my thoughts. I can change my habits. I can change my behavior. I can try new things. But I cannot fix the medical aspect of clinical depression, I cannot balance chemistry, I can't feel a sense of well being without medication fixing some sort of deficiency in my body and brain; the biological part of depression.
The psychological profile I have leaves me open to depression, stress, panic, anger, etc. I can't change my past, my childhood traumas, the bullying, the passive nature, my father, my separation from my extended family, my social phobias from my speech impairment. I can't change those things...
so what am I left with? I am left with mental health that is dwindling. I am trying to get out of this cycle, and achieve wellness and move on with my life. but there are obstacles I have to get passed. Like thinking too much on things...being sensitive to rejection...feeling betrayal from people that cause me pain...
I have things to work on...and it's pretty obvious I need a therapist.