Accepting the Diagnosis.............

[pat939]

That is a brilliant post Pan.
I can realte to it all completly. I think I am at the stage where I know there is nothing wrong with me really. But I just cannot snap out of the mindset of scanning my body for anything wrong it really dominates my life and makes it feel like a life not worth living. But I know that All I have to do is stop it. and I will try, I will try

[mdbhoy1888]

hi, i am new here and i can relate to this totally. i have been to 4 doctors in the last 2 months worrying i have lymphoma. Although every doctor has says there is nothing to worry about i still worry and it has taken over my life. My GP referred me to one of the top haematologists for reassurance, i got a complete bloodwork test done and everything was perfect. he said I DO NOT HAVE LYMPHOMA, i was fine for a few days then i started worrying again, my mum works in a hospital and she got her friend (a top doctor) to come to my house and sit down and talk with me, he was a great guy, he said it was IMPOSSIBLE to have any cancer or illness without my bloodwork being dodgy, he also checked all the lymph nodes on my body and he says he sees this everyday, small lymph nodes and many shotty nodes, he said YOU DO NOT HAVE LYMPHOMA but i cannot believe this as my hypochondria has taken over me. also i do not have any of the symptoms but i cannot seem to get it round my head that i am fit and healthy.

this article has given me a new lease of life and i am going to try my best to defeat health anxiety, i ran 2 and a half miles this morning with no problems, how can i be unwell? i am going back to thai boxing tonight after reading this, i gave it up when the health anxiety hit me (i had been going for a year) but i am going to fight this problem head on!

[karla]

A  psychiatrist once said to me, that i use my worry of health, to side track away from what is the real problem, ie: family problem's, money, ect. I do believe that now, but the fire of health worry's still keep burning.

[kiwi]

Hi everyone,

I am so touched by these posts. As I was reading them, I realized that part of me was rebelling against the idea that I could give up my search for medical reasons for my dizziness, lightheaded feelings and vertigo. There are literally hundreds of reasons that could create such sensations, and several could apply to me. My doctors have said it's sinus and ear related, allergy related, etc. and they always suggest the same meds. In my particular hell, I am too afraid to take any pills and limit myself to Nasonex (which has helped, but not entirely). So in addition to HA, I have a phobia of medication. I have placed myself squarely in some nameless level of Dante's Inferno.
I am afraid to get better. I wonder if I recovered, if I would lose my identity as a sick person. All my life, I have been the kid and then the adult that "got sick a lot". There was and is ALWAYS something wrong. Even now, I want to insist that there is a real, concrete reason that I am dizzy. Well, sure there is a reason--but that doesn't explain the overwhelming dread I feel that something is off in my inner ears and I will ALWAYS be dizzy, it will DESTROY my life and my sanity, it will last FOREVER and there is NOTHING anyone can really do about it.
I spent the day in bed, miserable with worry and sadness. What a waste of my life. My marriage is suffering, my friendships are suffering, I AM SUFFERING. I won't take pills for this, either. I'm too afraid even to take SAM-E. The point is, if I take the long view of my life, there is ALWAYS something that I freaked out over. For years, it was MS or ALS. Then it was constant nausea and reflux. Then it was the throat closing off thing, the loss of my voice, and now it's dizziness, vertigo, etc. In each case, there was a possible medical explanation but nothing that really accounted for the severity of my symptoms. In all cases, I visited so many doctors it was ridiculous. I usually get repeat diagnoses, with the doc finally throwing up her hands in frustration. If I don't like what one says, I'll go to someone else. It never works, it never brings more than temporary relief. I try to tell my doctors about my anxiety, but honestly, they don't listen or know what to say.
This time, I am attempting to accept the sinus/allergy diagnosis without insisting on an MRI or a visit to the neurologist. I know that if I make that appointment, I'll go down the rabbit hole again, and no matter how bad I feel now, it will get worse. I try to control my overwhelming emotions by forcing my body to be the reason I feel a certain way. There are huge issues in my past that need to be confronted, yet I can't seem to deal with the real problems. HA is a form of control that I exert over myself and others. I have a repertoire of symptoms and diseases ready and waiting to DISTRACT me from the issues in my life that need attention. I think sickness is a great way of NOT DEALING with what must be faced head on.
I wonder how many HA sufferers were abused as children. I know I was.
I wonder how much longer my husband will put up with this before he decides that it's not worth it. Talk about something that produces anxiety . . .
I stress out my parents to the point that they don't even want to see me. My friends are sick and tired of me canceling plans because I'll get dizzy and stuffy, or be too tired, etc. etc. My husband and daughter simply don't know what to do. My husband gave me an ultimatum: either I take drugs for this, or he will start staying away from home because he is at his limit. Well, I told him I was taking SAM-E, but I really wasn't. I've tried to hide the anxiety from him and everyone, but it's not working.
I AM SO TIRED OF THIS. I used to post here in a logical and straight-forward way, coming across as well put together and coherent, on my way to recovery. But, I realize, now I am just furious with HA and the monster of fear and hyper-vigilance. I am angry, really angry, that so much of my life is dedicated to trying to figure out what a new symptom "means". My excuse is that sometimes symptoms are real indicators of medical issues that must be addressed, but for God's sake--I don't need to monitor myself so closely that I lose what little is left of my sanity!
Please tell me this: can anxiety strike you even when you are not at all aware of feeling anxious and you're thinking of something entirely different? This is what kills me. When I manage to forget about all of this, I can get a dizzy spell or feel like I'm falling when I'm not, or start just feeling "weird" and a little faint and disconnected. Why does this happen when I am not aware of any anxiety? Does my mind NEED to torture me? Why is there this need for my subconscious to sabotage the few free moments I get?
Then, of course, I read that all of those physical sensations described above are due to inner ear issues, and that 40 percent of anxiety sufferers have inner ear problems that make them feel like they're having a panic attack. And then, of course, the disease starts all over again . . . oh, I have an inner ear problem, how is anyone going to fix that, when should I make an appt. with an ENT, will he want to do a CAT scan, will I take the medication he prescribes, what will I do if nothing works, if this never goes away, etc.
Anyway, some more insight or just some kind words would help right now.
Kiwi

[Memsy13]

Kiwi, I totally feel for you, as I feel like I go through the same as you.  The dizzy spells out of nowhere, the inability to take in and accept any reassurance for more than a few days or if I'm lucky maybe a few weeks.  I feel trapped and hopeless, the only thing that keeps from giving up fighting the anxiety is my 3 year old son.  Although I feel he is partly the reason I suffer from anxiety, I have thoughts of what would happen to him if I was not here which feeds into my health worries. 

Memsy13 

[kourtneyll]

This made me cry and touched me. Thank you pan.

[tofutti83]

Helpful info, thanks for posting.

[mandiemargaret]

I myself do not suffer from health anxiety, but reading this post was very insightful and interesting. Bravo.

[lotinlife]

Pan, I realize this is way past your post date, but im in the middle of changing meds.  I was on Paxil mgCR for 10 years, and now on Citalopram 40mg.
What are you taking now (if you dont mind sharing??). you mentioned a combination of meds and you seem to be doing great.
If its too personal, I understand!   Im suffering with all my old obsesive worries about dizziness etc...and would welcome some drug advice.
thanks!

[coffee_ron]

Pan.....thanks so much for this post

My wife suffers from HA, and thought she was all alone. I showed her your post and it was a"breakthrough" moment.

Your a star in my book. You provided me with a way to communicate in loving way that there is help available.

Thanks again

[WorstOffThanYou]

Don't accept it unless you really feel its true.

[Creekman1967]

Some really great thoughts in this post. Thx guys!

[KnifeySpoony]

Don't accept it unless you really feel its true.

And therein lies the battle.  I think that almost by definition health anxiety ensures we lose the rational capabilty of applying and logic and also the heartfelt ability in trusting our instincts and emotions.  I think that a day has to come when we allow others to take that responsibilty for us.  It is very hard to do but I'm sure it is crucial to recovery in many ways.

[KRFK5]

Really great posts here, this is a wonderful community. I hope to get involved more, as I've been mostly a bystanders.

[night]

Pan and all:

I do not have HA per se.  The diagnosis of my sister three years ago with late stage familial colon cancer of at 26; and my fear of being "next" reactivated a smouldering depression and GAD into a full blown clinical depression. I went from being reasonably happy with daily anxiety that was manageable to horribly depressed with panic attacks. My father having a stroke and a heart attack soon after didn;t help, either. For a time it seemed easier to die than wait for whatever was going to "take me out"

Anyhooooooo....................back to the reason that I am respoonding to Pan's post

Pan- your title, accepting the diagnosis really spoke to me. I can accept the label Depression, and I can even accept the label anxiety. I have a harder time accepting that I made it to the age of 40 before being diagnosed with ADD- but that's another story......or maybe Im proving that diagnosis with that post

It is the diagnosis of mental illness that I have a problem with. It is not ok with me to be mentally ill. It is ok for me to have hypertension. It is ok for me to have flat feet. It is less ok to have sleep apnea. But why is it not ok to have a mental illness diagnosis?  Ok several?

Anyone care to weigh in?

[Laney11]

I agree very good thread, it helped me quite a bit. Thanks

[Branden192]

I really wish it was this easy for me I feel so badly every day with very real symptoms I simply cant believe its in my head

[abeja_reina_1989]

Pan and all:

I do not have HA per se.  The diagnosis of my sister three years ago with late stage familial colon cancer of at 26; and my fear of being "next" reactivated a smouldering depression and GAD into a full blown clinical depression. I went from being reasonably happy with daily anxiety that was manageable to horribly depressed with panic attacks. My father having a stroke and a heart attack soon after didn;t help, either. For a time it seemed easier to die than wait for whatever was going to "take me out"

Anyhooooooo....................back to the reason that I am respoonding to Pan's post

Pan- your title, accepting the diagnosis really spoke to me. I can accept the label Depression, and I can even accept the label anxiety. I have a harder time accepting that I made it to the age of 40 before being diagnosed with ADD- but that's another story......or maybe Im proving that diagnosis with that post

It is the diagnosis of mental illness that I have a problem with. It is not ok with me to be mentally ill. It is ok for me to have hypertension. It is ok for me to have flat feet. It is less ok to have sleep apnea. But why is it not ok to have a mental illness diagnosis?  Ok several?

Anyone care to weigh in?

Because it's scary? That's my guess. I'm constantly battling this. I don't want other to think I'm "crazy".

[messedup]

These messages and thoughts from so many of you has really made my day. Like many of you I have "allowed" this ALS fear trap and control my life. I as we'll never "feared" ALS until I somehow noticed some random twitches, Googled it and my life has been upside down from that day 15 months ago. I lost my mom and a good friend to cancer, so cancer has ALWAYS terrified me, and I had myself convinced I had every cancer you can imagine. The cancer fear, strangely, is gone. Now, its ALS. I had a clean EMG on my legs a year ago. The ALS fear went away after my EMG and visit with the neuro; however, it reared its head about a month ago when my ankle started hurting and - was limping. Well.....that was my legs, now its my arms and hands and fingers. I read recently about ALS affecting fingers and wrists and shoulders. For the past 3 weeks the aching, cramping pain in my left arm/hand/fingers has been excruciating. This is NOT caused from my mind. This pain is real and debilitating and scaring me to death. Today, EXACT same spots and symptoms just started on my right side. It seems my arms and hands and fingers are the only muscle groups twitching. How can this be?  I can't take this pain and twitching. Anybody out there with this pain?  I am popping so many pain killers because this pain is unbearable. I don't *think* I have any weakness.
I enjoy reading all your posts. They're calming to my poor mind   

[craigiecx]

very intresting post pan i just joined here today but i can relate to the post meaning goggle is a great thing but googling our symptoms are just tormenting or screwing our minds up even more HA is one of the nastiest things that can happen in a persons life i know myself for one gets it almost all the time and when i comes on of course mr panic sets in and negative thoughts are most certanly to arise medication i dont think works alot of the time in some it may but in others symptoms just get worse.but im sure one day we ill find the way to beat anxiety and take control of our bodies again


Craigie

[Vickyandcraig]

Well I guess accepting it would be so much easier thrn to sit and constantly think the opposite I at the minute have a fascination with my heart 5 ecg's a heart blood test a chest X-ray and I still can't accept it it hoes from 1 thing to another brain tumour cancer anywhere just constant fear all the time it's a shock to me as 7 weeks ago I never had it panic attack outta no where thrn constant anxiety everyday I don't no what's hit me or how to get myself out of it x

[br350]

I think the crux of health anxiety/hypochondria is acceptance of RISK.  If we don't get something checked out and then find out it really WAS something more treatable (and now isn't) how do you accept that?  I am always trying to explain this thinking to my husband.  Most people who do not have HA have no problem waiting a few weeks or a month if they find some sort of lump that wasn't there before.  They rationally say to themselves, it probably isn't anything too serious, I'll see if it goes away.  They can accept the RISK of waiting and can allow time to pass to see how the lump evolves or dissolves.   If it gets worse then, like most rational people, they will likely have it checked out.   They have accepted a normal level of risk with 'waiting and watching.'

For many of us with HA that risk is far too great. We are terrified that if we don't get every single lump, bump, symptom or odd sensation investigated that we may be losing precious necessary time to great treatment for something while in its early.  I know for myself that is my BIGGEST quandary when trying to decide if I am willing to 'sit' with something before making a doctor's appt.  Can I accept the risk that by not checking this symptom out, I may be allowing a disease/illness to get worse?  Can I live with that eventuality?  I have become better at this over the many years of suffering from hypochondria.  I used to make appts immediately.  Now I usually will give the physical symptom/lump/bump whatever some time.   

So, really, I believe this disorder boils down to developing some comfort level with risk and accepting risk in life.  We cannot control everything that happens to or around us.   By constantly checking on our bodies, we are trying to prevent or control illness/disease. This is not possible and if you think about it, you would need to be getting scans/tests/labs nearly every week if your goal is to BE SURE that nothing bad is going on.   You would need nearly constant testing of some sort since a disease/illness can crop up at any given time and even 'normal' tests sometimes miss disease processes going on.

You then have the choice to either live as a slave to your fear/non-acceptance of risk, or you make a conscious choice to approach the fear more rationally (this is where CBT techniques can help tremendously) and try to live a more fulfilling life not bridled by fear/uncertainty.  FAR easier said than done. 

[floridaguy65]

Nice reply br350:) Welcome to The AZ...I hope you can find some comfort and some insights as to how we might be able to learn how to help ourselves in our struggles:)

I wrote about "risk" a couple weeks ago. The risk, for us HA peeps, is OVERWHELMINGLY a perceived risk. And, when amped up with anxiety, our perceptions are greatly skewed towards doom and gloom and helplessness - we perceive worst case scenarios as a, likely, outcome. For me, I always seem to come back to one key tenet when discussing "risk". That key principle is that there is nothing really "medical" about HA, in the first place, so where's the "risk"? There just isn't risk, of any significance, to be taken when we move away from continued reassurances by the medical profession (Doc visits and med tests), as we have been told we are OK - healthwise. But like you said - FAR easier said than done (in getting our anxious minds to accept this:).

There is always help and hope. Hope without calm, diligent action is fruitless, though. We can work to "rewire" our minds back to peace, positivity, purpose and self-assurance:)

Peace and Feel Well:)

[floridaguy65]

Nice reply br350:) Welcome to The AZ...I hope you can find some comfort and some insights as to how we might be able to learn how to help ourselves in our struggles:)

I wrote about "risk" a couple weeks ago. The risk, for us HA peeps, is OVERWHELMINGLY a perceived risk. And, when amped up with anxiety, our perceptions are greatly skewed towards doom and gloom and helplessness - we perceive worst case scenarios as a, likely, outcome. For me, I always seem to come back to one key tenet when discussing "risk". That key principle is that there is nothing really "medical" about HA, in the first place, so where's the "risk"? There just isn't risk, of any significance, to be taken when we move away from continued reassurances by the medical profession (Doc visits and med tests), as we have been told we are OK - healthwise. But like you said - FAR easier said than done (in getting our anxious minds to accept this:).

There is always help and hope. Hope without calm, diligent action is fruitless, though. We can work to "rewire" our minds back to peace, positivity, purpose and self-assurance:)

Peace and Feel Well:)

Wanted to add to the above line: "That key principle is that there is nothing really "medical" about HA, in the first place, so where's the "risk"? "

Wanted it to say: That key principle is that there is nothing really "medical" about HA, in the first place, so where's the "risk"? HA is a MENTAL HEALTH issue, and not a "medical" concern, overwhelmingly.

Peace:)

[reasonableland]

Hi All,

 First post so here goes!

 I came across this site and this was the first post that I read - I identified with it so much that I printed out a few of the take aways and put them on an index card to carry around. While I've dealt alone with my HA and read about it in a clinical context I'd not really read anything of other peoples experience -

SO it was so reassuring to read the accepting the diagnosis piece, and I'm really grateful it was here. I needed it :)