I've only posted here a few times in the past....... So, I apologize if I've only come here when I'm having problems.
But I think I need help... advice... understanding... something.
I'm in my early 20s, and yes, I live with my parents now. It sucks to admit, but I feel like it's just because of circumstance, not because I'm not good or smart or something. Maybe many of you here can relate. I've had a lot of problems. I was on my own for a while, but I was forced to move back home, and when that happened, I got really depressed and anxious and for a while I couldn't go anywhere, couldn't hold a job, etc.
But I've been a lot better for around two years. Like, A LOT better. I went from being suicidal and wanting to 0473 anytime anything else went wrong (and it seemed like everything was going wrong for a while) to becoming confident in myself and my talents and intelligence again. Recently, I've gained to confidence to go back to college. I am planning to start in the fall (I haven't told my parents... I'll get into why, later), and I've been working on a book that I want to self-publish, because I've made friends with some local authors who have been talking to me about how to do that. I really love science and history, and writing, and I want to write sci-fi and supernatural books that borrow from those interests, and I have been told I have talent. I want to write about characters like me. I feel happy and content like I've finally found myself and what makes me happy. Writing doesn't make me feel scared and stressed out like having a "normal" 9 - 5 job does. My mom wants me to get a job at a bank, or something like that, and the thought kind of freaks me out. Because although I'm "better", I have to admit, my social anxiety isn't just "gone," but managed. I'm okay, I can talk to strangers like in stores or restaurants, but the thought of having a job where I answer to a boss and have to work with customers all day scares me a little, and doesn't feel like "me."
But... the problem is, I don't have any support at home. I hate that I even live with my parents, because they've never been supportive. My mom gets angry any time I'm "unproductive", which in her eyes is if I'm not cleaning, or going to work, or when I'm on my laptop doing what to me IS WORK! which is writing. I feel like I'm not "allowed" to be sick or sad or upset or anything in this house. If I am, I go away or lock myself in the room. If my mom happens to find out, it's like I'm in trouble. She'll yell at me for hours, telling me how awful I am and what a failure I am and how embarrassed she is of me. If I say "I don't care what anyone thinks of me" she says things like "it's not about what other people think." But it totally is, for her. She's ONLY concerned with what other people think. She wants to be able to brag about me to her friends and to our family.
And though I've had a hard time, I think I have had a good life, one worth bragging about, anyway. Since feeling more on the "well" side, I've been travelling (paid for on my own dime, whenever I have had jobs, or made money my own way), I've tried so many new things, I've taken classes (outside of being an enrolled student) to better myself... I feel that I've had such a more rich experience in life than my high school classmates who only went to college and got jobs. And just the experience of having my previous break-down... not being able to get out of bed, being too afraid to live, wanting to 0473, trying a few times, hating myself; and slowly clawing my way out of that hole and by myself (my family in general is largely unsupportive, and also let me nearly die rather than shell out some money for me to get help- I was able to pay for a few sessions myself, and did the rest of my healing through self-study and self-help), I think that experience itself is a beautiful life experience that is exciting. I think saving myself from that means I am absolutely not a failure.
I know I'm going long... but I had been through so much in live. Trigger warnings (sexual abuse). I was molested as a child, I was raped as a teenager, I was in an abusive relationship that I got out of, I had friends turn on me and had no-one because they all picked his side, and I had an absolute nervous break down which could have saw me 0473. Just to have made it through all of that and have the will to TRY to go on, that alone says I'm not a failure
Just enrolling myself in school, and working on my writing even though literally nobody in my family believes in me, that says I'm not a failure.
There is this toxic attitude in my family that sees parents killing their children's spirit over fear of failure. I know it's not my parents' fault (well, mother mostly), because it's happened in my aunts' families, too. My mom's oldest sister, her son barely comes home or talks to her, because she tried so hard to push her image of perfection onto him. He other sister, her daughter got married really young to escape her overbearing nature, and as a result, gave up her dreams of being on Broadway (she was REALLY good, and even once worked as a Disney World performer), and ended up in an abusive marriage.
In my case, no emotions allowed (and my DIAGNOSED! OCD, social anxiety, and depression are "excuses" or "not real"), and writing (or anything artistic, which is basically all I am) is "cute" as a "hobby" but I need to get a "real job."
I love my mother, in all her dismissiveness. She's a wonderful person most of the time. Both of my parents have graciously supported me financially, and fed me, and allowed me to stay at home well after age 18. My mom is funny, and fun, and we talk and laugh about a lot of stuff. So, I don't want any of you parents out there, who may have kids my age or teens or something, to think I'm saying I don't appreciate the things my mom has done for me. It's just that she picks where her support will go and where it won't, and I think psychologically, it kills me. She doesn't really accept that I'm gay. Like, refuses to admit it. She won't allow me to have any weak moments, which makes it hard to be comfortable at home, even in my room with my door locked (it feels like she'll find out and yell at me for it.) I've told her that I was molested and that I was raped, and she apologized that it happened but basically brushed it under the rug and never talks about it. I feel like I can't trust people mostly because I've been socialized, because of her, to believe that I am wrong to feel anything, or that if I tell anyone, I'm going to annoy them or cause them to yell at me.
I mean, she literally walked in on my 0119 attempts twice, back when I was suicidal, and she talked me down but still denied that I needed help. Which... is another confusing thing. Why she'd be willing to help me financially with so many things... even stupid things like a pair of sneakers or a new iPod... but refused to pay for me to go to therapy (the counselor I had was like $75 a session; I know because I scrounged up the money to pay for it myself.)
I don't know, but I feel like if I had a son that was literally trying to drink bleach in front of me, I would've tried to find a doctor for him right away.
I guess what I really want is to get out, now. But I think I psych myself out. I fear I won't be financially stable enough, and I wouldn't dare want to ask my parents to pay for anything. I also scare myself about roommates I don't know (since I don't have very many friends I could move into a place with). Also, my mother has a way of making me feel like I suck; that nothing will ever happen for me. She says things about "10 years from now I'll be still living off of her" which I doubt, but it makes me feel like a terrible person. What I want is out, like .. yesterday. But I don't know how to get out. Even when I've had jobs, I never seem to have enough money to do anything with, besides gas and food, and ... I don't know, everything just seems so strange and scary. But I know that living here is just stunting my growth, and not helping me, nor is it allowing me to be my full self. Even though I feel much more like myself when I'm on the internet; reality is, nobody in my life knows anything about me, because I'm afraid. I really feel stuck, stifled, stunted. I know, in my heart, that I need at least a year on my own; to learn how to deal with crises on my own, and how to make ends meet on my own, and to learn that certain things are okay...
Like taking care of yourself when you don't feel 100%, and that that's not "nothing."
Or staying up late to write and sleeping to 1PM the next day as a result, if you don't have anything important scheduled for the next day.
Or crying when you're hurt, or allowing yourself to be angry.
Or being open about who you are, including your complete sexuality.
This is my mentality now, but it's hard to feel like it's truly okay when, if it happens at all, I know FOR CERTAIN that my mother is going to spend at least 2 hours yelling at me about how awful I am.
You're a champ if you read to the end. Thank you!