For the past 5 months, I've been under this paranoid and extremely anxious over my own existence. I am paranoid about fearing 'Life' and by worrying about this I suddenly feel trapped like there's no escape. Worried about fearing sight, everything around me and feeling trapped. It's very scary and I feel so alone. I don't suffer from panic attacks and when I do panic I keep it very well hidden, I get the feeling of butterflies in my stomach, combined with shakey hands, sweaty palms and the feeling of no escape and nowhere to go and nobody to help me, but I never get full blown panicky to the point of struggling to breathe which could be maybe somewhere deep down telling me I'm just being silly?
I suffer from dizziness and off balance problems, I also have had spaced out feelings, like being disconnected from everything. I used to get what is known as 'Alice In wonderland Syndrome' (basically where the everything you see looks far away or looks too close up and peoples voices are louder than usual and you start to hallucinate) now I just get the feeling of everything is far away from me and I think all this has set in the works of fearing everything the sight around me, because these experiences have left me scared, terrified, confused and in fearing experiencing these again I have been left feeling alone as nobody else was seeing what was seeing and feeling what was feeling. But as I said this all became worse 5 months ago after another one of these dizzy episodes (which usually would come now and then) and everything looked far away and spaced out and then I got worse over the day until the point where it's gone from getting them occasionally to getting them almost all the time.
I always feel light headed and when I'm out, as i'm moving away from my room (which is my safety net) I feel like I'm (the only way to describe it) like i'm climbing up a ladder, going higher and higher and that feeling you get when you look down and the feeling you get when you know you're getting further and further away from the ground. I also feel too exposed and too 'free' (but not free if that makes sense) when I'm away from my room, like part of me is disconnected from another part of me that is out, sort of like the feeling of floating into outer space, it's all very scary which then brings on the feeling of everthing looking and feeling far away, which then again incorporates why I feel too exposed and free...
But my biggest fear at the moment is being paranoid about fearing life, it's almost laughable to someone who wouldn't understand so I keep it very quite but I feel like i'm living in hell. I can't remember the last time I've been excited for anything, last week I had woken up and started panicking about everything I saw around me and I had this overwhelming feeling of being trapped.
I realised over the years I've slowly been becoming more and more worse to the point where my room is my only safe place, but there are times when even my room isn't a safe place and I feel the only escape is meditation and mindfulness.
That all being said, I don't seem to suffer from social anxiety and the way I act people would never guess I have all these paranoid thoughts and anxiety.
I just need help and advice