My Depression/anxiety...

[Tom]

OK, I am new here, my name is Tom and I am 13 years old, suffering from depression and anxiety.  My life is dull and boring, and when I think something is supposed to be fun and I am not having fun, I feel guilty making my parents worry about me.  I am always tired during the day and usually have my blinds shut because I don't like it when people watch me.  I am on the computer ALL DAY because I am so tired and I don't like to leave my house because I don't like to see other people, I really can't explain it.  Plus every night I can't sleep so I am on sleep pills that don't seem to do much good.  Although if I don't take them I seriously won't sleep all night.  I will literally be sitting in bed all night.  If I could sleep I'm sure I would want to stay in bed all day in a dark, cool room with no one to bother me.  Oh, and at school I try to seem energetic to impress people and not make me look like a weirdo but I come home and tell myself how stupid I am and take out my pocket knife and cut my arm.  I have maybe 5 scars on my arm from this.  My doctor has perscribed me Prozac which I guess is helping with the fatigue, but I still don't like to leave the house.  Does anyone here feel the way I am?

[pmhoran]

Hi Tom ...

I think a great many people with depression/anxiety feel exactly the same way as you do.   And ... except for the cutting ... a lot of them would like nothing better than to curl up in a nice dark room and stay there.   So ... you are not alone.

Are you in counselling?   If not ... ask your doc to refer you to a psychiatrist/psychologist/counsellor.   There are a HUGE number of sleep meds available so if the one you are on is doing nothing for you ... tell your doctor and he/she will try another one.   I know its a pain in the butt ... but sometimes it takes quite a while to find the one sleep med that works for you.   But you have to be honest and upfront with your doctor in order for them to learn what the best course of treatment will be for you.

I can not relate to the "cutting" but know its not totally uncommon in teens.   Have you thought of trying meditation?  I think I read someplace or saw a program on TV that people prone to cutting themselves sometimes find meditation really helps ... when the urge to cut yourself arises you meditate instead.   Much better & safer alternative ;)

You appear very articulate for a 13 yr old.  You remind me of a niece who battled depression & suicidal tendencies.   After months of counselling it was determined that the cause of her problems was .... she was totally bored in school and felt she did not fit in with any of her friends or classmates.   Testing showed that she was (forgive the analogy) running at Warp 9 when everyone she knew was operating at Warp 6 ... if you know what I mean.   She was constantly trying to underachieve ... just so she would feel like she "fit in" ... and it was literally driving her into depression.

My sister got her into a "gifted" program ... and within a month it was like my niece was a different person.   She is now in an "accelerated program" in high school.   Both programs have students who learn as fast as she does and they modify the courses as needed to keep the students involved & interested.

I am not saying the cause of your depression is the same as hers ... but it might be something to mention to your parents and/or doctors if you feel this might be the cause of your difficulties.   It seems to be something that is overlooked by a majority of them.

My depression goes from really bad to not so bad on a day to day basis ... and I think a lot of people find theirs acts somewhat the same.   So ... just know that when things "seem" really bad ... cope with it as best you can from one day to the next ... because eventually things will get better.

Take care
Peter

[caliguy]

Hello to both of you. If you are cutting yourself, please get some help fast. I can't relate to this either but I sympathize with you and as pmhoran indicated, it seems to be fairly common in your age group. There is a name for this condition but I can't remember it at the moment ("self-injury" I think it's called). Is there someone you can discuss this with?.

I know just how you feel when it comes to feeling dull and being bored all the time. Life sometimes feels meaningless to many of us living with depression which is why it is so important to seek treatment and when you finally find something that works for you, hang onto it and thank your lucky stars that it worked. Good luck to you and get back to us on how your doing :)

--- Ok, I just looked this up and read that people who "cut" often do it as a "release" to take their minds off of reality and give them something else to focus on. Some cutters also have a history of abuse and other issues in their past. I don't know if this accurately describes you but I'm just telling you what the article I read said. Maybe you will find it helpful?.

[rara]

I can not relate to "cutting" but i too have read or seen somewere that it is a way for the person to relieve themselves from their pain, by "cutting" and then feeling the relief through the sight of their blood. I also read that the risk of getting an artery is a risk that satisfies the person's feeling of worthlessness. I don't know if that fits in with you Tom i just hope you are or will seek help for it especially for the "cutting" immediately too, for your own happiness and safety.

I think I understand that level of boredom, not in a depressionistic kind of way but an ok kind of way through compassion and my readings. I know it is not the same thing, i am not saying that, I am merely trying to grasp the problem in the best way i can.

To Peters and his message i want to take the opportunity to say thank you for making me realize that if a child feels that bored but still isn't showing high grades or test results, that actually isn't under-achieving, it might be a sign of a high IQ level or some sort of capability to learn more if given the chance, tools. I know that's arrogance, but if you exclude my arrogant attributes (they are not even justified, i am kind of stupid ) maybe thats a sign of that child not being in the right program. (The school reference being a metaphor).

I believe we all have special skills in some level, i think i read somewere that.
Anyway however well Peters reference fit you i am now going back to the boredom. To my understandings it is like an itch under your skin and because ocd isn't depression is not like the gloom of a dark room but an unbelievable painfully boring feeling were everything is moving, Not still, but in the wrong colour, grey and that the boredom is only inflicted upon ones self which helps evoke a panic fear evolving around helplessness, the feeling of the boredom not to ever go away.

Yes i know that this is what boredom is but to the extent that it almost feels like a short depression, melancholy, but it isn't and often, now that isn't very "normal".
The only way you could compare this with the kind of boredom your describing which by the way, the blind shuts are they there because you are ashamed or feel guilt for people to see you in your room? because you can have curtains for that, is by comparing the helplessness without origin. I have read about a lot of people who have gotten over that gash awful feeling with medicine or counseling. I don't believe in subjecting your self to your objects of boredom, or stop rationalizing, that is to trivialize your ocd habits and go "so what" because i believe that, that would leave your feeling undealt with.   

However i can't imagine how avoiding people wouldn't add to you're feeling of boredom? Maybe that is one of the reasons, at least a shallow one for your sleepiness. I know i am acting as i know what the heck i am talking about :-\ but i really just want to help .
I Don't think you should feel guilty around your parents but talk to them and don't try to make your self unbored around friends in school, have fun (even though that's the most commercial jingle i have ever heard and still i am the one to blame for that writting).

[rara]

do you have a social anxiety disorder?

[the_friar]

Hi Tom and everyone,

Self-harm is not restricted to younger people.  It can happen to anyone and the urge to cut can be without immediate apparent reason.  I am a 47 year old depressive who has cut in the past.  As many as 1 in 10 people suffering depression have resorted to injuring themselves.

Cutting can be a dangerous and inadvisable way of dealing with things but different sufferers cut for numerous reasons - mine was so that I could take 'control' and 'focus' rather than just allow myself to washed over by the blackness.  It's almost a case of 'I'm hurting because I can make it hurt', which refocused my attention from the hurt that was happening anyway; with or without my consent.  Cutting is usually a very private affair.  It is not an aspect that one usually wishes to discuss with others.  Having said that, you should discuss it with your doctor at least.  He/she will not judge you.  There is no 'blame'.  It is a critical symptom that requires an expert's handling.  Although cutting may not be a conscious appeal for help, your mind/body is subconsciously telling you that you need some tlc and treatment from someone who knows what they are doing.

Try and be sensible about how and where you cut if you must cut.  Make sure everything is absolutely clean.  Infection can lead to problems that you most probably can do without.  If you can, try and find another way of dealing with this urge - such as meditation if it works for you.  You could, for instance, try placing an elastic band on your wrist and twanging it when the urge approaches.  You will get an immediate sensation of limited pain and, if you can train yourself, it will cause your mind to think of alternative ways of dealing with the situation.

No-one has any right to judge you; and I very much doubt that you would be judged here anyway.  You are actually trying to stimulate some sort of 'life' into yourself - thus, in a way, you could even be described as trying to self-medicate - even if it is the unwise route to take.

My arms are scarred but I now wear short sleeved T-shirts and if anyone asks I refer them to taking care of their own business and may even explain that they are personal and not up for discussion.  I used to be ashamed of them, now they merely symbolise a part of my learning curve.  I can't go back and undo those things that I have done, so what is the point of trying?  Plastic surgery seems somewhat extreme and expensive; and anyway, I'm not too sure that I'm ready to lose them yet.  When things are extremely black, they act as my rubber band.  Don't get me wrong, I am not proud of them, but I am not ashamed of them either.

I am me and I am as good as anyone else.  I still have severe problems to sort out.  Problems that have dominated my life to a degree. Yet I am still me and I know that I am as good as anyone else.

One big positive point is that you have come here to voice your feelings.  You are showing that you are aware of things in your life that may not be quite right.  That takes one helluva lot of courage especially at the age of 13 [no patronising intended].  I wouldn't have told anyone that I had a cold at the age of 13 - maybe that's part of my problem, if I had things may have developed differently.

Do get help if you can - you will not be judged.  Do 'think safe' if possible.  Self harm is not usually associated with self destruction so, I imagine, you would not wish to end up on such a road inadvertently. I really didn't mean to lecture, it's just a past cutter concerned that you should be safe.  Take care.

[GMan86]

Irrational decisions for temporary problems is what you should say over and over in your head. If you feel suicidal check yourself into a hospital ASAP, without a second thought. You will be glad you did