Okay this is hard to write down.
I have a specific phobia of female nudity and/or over sexualisation in media - tv, adverts, films, music videos, newspapers, magazines..
But specifically, encountering it when with a boyfriend.
It comes up a lot, as anyone who encounters media will know.. though most people I talk to seem to be normalised to it and barely notice it.
I don't watch films/tv that I don't know/trust with a boyfriend anymore. I can check imdb for if there's something triggering in things but unfortunately there often is so we watch a lot of animated films.. they're my 'safe' films. It's harder to avoid when it's tv, and awkward if friends invite us to watch a film.
If I do find myself watching something which I think will upset me, I can't stop thinking about that impending moment and I get anxious, generally getting warm, fast heart rate, chest pain.
If I get stuck and it happens, say a topless scene, I sometimes just can't think of anything else for the rest of the whatever it is, and get the anxious feelings above, and thoughts which start at insecurity, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, feeling stupid for being triggered by something which I can't avoid, and sometimes leading to suicidal feelings.
I came here first wondering if anyone else experiences this particular trigger? I've started telling my friends these things but they don't quite understand, and are often very very shocked that this is something that bothers me so much.
And also, what can I do? I was seeing counsellors for a few years, but in the long run nothing was happening. I just want to know if there's anything (apart from extreme avoidance) that can help with this phobia in the short term while I try and figure out the long term abandonment and self esteem problems.
Thanks to anyone who read all this, it was hard to word.