Trying to make the right choice

[ellanever]

Yesterday I almost hung myself from my ceiling fan, something I thought I would never get so close to doing. I stared at the fan and the scarf for an hour just thinking, weighing the consequences.  Then I decided it would be a better idea to get in the car and drive 20 hrs to see my mom two states away.  She has kept me alive this long, I felt I at least owed her one last chance to save me. But in the middle of throwing a bag together, a friend randomly called and the doctor also returned my call to make an appointment.... loooong story short, I am staying at my father's for a couple days, then my friends' until the doctor's appointment.  I didn't want to say any of this out loud to any of them, but I chose to talk to my friends and family instead of giving into the pain.

I'm still not sure I've made the right choice. It all feels surreal, cliche, annoyingly pseudo-tragic and I hate hearing the sound of worry in their voices. I hate that my inability to function hurts the people I love. But dying would hurt them worse, I suppose.
 
I will have to go back to my apartment and I'll see that damn scarf and ceiling fan again.  I know I won't ever go through with it. But I hate how it taunts me. How do I forget? How do I stop being the girl who goes crazy?  There has to be a better future than this tiresome routine.

[tinam7]

The right choice is to work on yourself, throw the scarf out and smile at the fan, "I won and the people I love won. I'd never, ever do that to them." And then consider your other options.

You can work on yourself in any number of ways: with your doctor's help, with CBT, with learning to like and love yourself, with exercise, with meditation, with journaling, with posting here. We can be here to try and help you as best we can. Wishing you the best.

[howifeel]

Thank you so much for visiting! Know that you are cared for, and, in my case, prayed for. Thank you for being up front about how you feel.

The city in which you live has a wealth of help. I know because I am considering moving there, and visited some of the help to see how I would do regarding support and assistance if I were to move. Stayed there a week, and got a good handle on the options. That S/I is a tough one. Feels out of control. It's hard for people to relate to. On 6/18/2008 my friend completed his hanging. While I was on a vacation (actually in your area) I got the call from his wife telling me that he had died. I just had breakfast with him six days earlier, and we exchanged how each of us were feeling. When I got the news, I felt out of control, like I would do the same. I now see that there is a rather large leap between serious consideration, and completion of the act. If you begin to feel a sense of relief with the thought, you are in serious trouble, however, if the thought is distressing, you are still okay. I still push for face to face contact with peers. DBSA is in your area. A good place to relate. It is hard for people to understand the thoughts that precede serious thoughts to end ones life, but there are those of us who can totally relate. I even had well meaning people advise me to draw a "line in the sand" and make it not an option. I was unable to do that. Today, I feel much better, and not considering it. This month marks one year since I have felt that way. What changed? I sought a specific group of peers who were sharing the same problem and working on relapse prevention. Awkward at first, but glad I stayed.

[Encore]

I don't know how to forget, I wish I did, but I completely identify with your situation.  It's like a circle in your head and you just want to break out.  You made the right choice though, in talking to people.  I often have the same hesitation, that I am burdening them with my "crazy," but I realize that I would do the same for them and in no way would it be a burden, because they are people I care about.  They care about me, ergo they are open to my (long-winded) talking.  And it makes me feel better to let some of the pressure out before it explodes.  So keep reaching out and I think you will find that there are more people who care about you and want to help you than you think.