Hi. I am wondering how does one get over their shyness ( anxiety) and date?S

[Sun Woo]

Hi.

I just turned 26. I'm sort of a late bloomer. I never really " dated" anyone til I was 22.

I met girls I was interested in, but was way too shy to ask for a date. Now I've gotten a bit better... But things always seem to go awry. I can sometimes almost hookup ( that's not my primary goal), but then the girl says she can't ttake me seriously ( I joke a lot and act really nervous maybe that's why).


I like having stimulating conversations with them, but they tell me too much, maybe I do the sane. I think my anxiety ( about so many things) scares them off.

I'm reasonably attractive, although I do have flaws. I lost over 100 lb in my life ( some because of anxiety drugs.. Made me gain). So while I am healthy, I do not have a good mid section. My onLy hope is to gain muscle ( tons of it) and cut away fat slowly. Even then, I'll need some surgery.

I was shy when I was younger because I was overweight. Then later I became more outgoing at times. But, I was really messed up in my most social days ( alcohol, effexor, and more). I've pretty much quit all drugs ( alcohol), but where do I meet people?

I am working on my skills in relationships, but most the advice comes frim the bar / night club scene. I try to talk to girls when I'm alone with them on a bus, or elevator.

Timing is never perfect. Anyways, is there anything you can advise to help me "try"?

I'm sick of being single... I'm also sick of one week pseudo - relationships, that do nothing but mess with my mind. Hard for me to trust people... I am really nice to girls but can't afford to waste time on maybe/ maybe not deals... I need someone real.

I am sure that once I finish university, I will be happier. I'll be confident enough to take more risks .

Still, when I am in bed, what am I supposed to do? Kp my shirt on?
I quit many bad things, cut off bad people, worked really hard in myself... For what? At the end of the night, I'm alone with my thoughts. It's demoralizing... Makes me feel like this is all for naught.

Such a circumstance occurred last Wk, and I'm not sure what she wants exactly, but I know that other guys would have " closed", and I would too if I could take my shirt off ( abs and chest are my main problem). I am eating excess ( cals) and lifting hard now. I will cut ( run.and eat less) soon. Maybe we would just be friends but at least id have some enjoyment
How can I get more experience, esp. When I'm already so shy?

Thank you.

[Cuchculan]

Everything takes time. You have your ways. It is kind of like you want to change everything about yourself. That won't happen over night. It won't happen in a month. It is something that has to be worked on. I think your goals are too high. Thus you tend to fall harder. Maybe the girl in the elevator doesn'r want a strange male talking to her. What most people want in life are like minded people. It can look nice to have a dazzling looking girl on your arm. But she might be a bitch and make life hell for you. So think of a few things you are into doing. Interests. Then have a look around your home area. Are there any groups for these interests. May not like sound like the most exciting way of meeting a female. But you will be getting one who is into doing the same things you are into doing. That would be a good start. Plus you would have others around you who share the same interests as you do. So there would be no need to be shy around them. How do you know they are not as shy as you? Be realistic in your goals in your life. Not every woman will say yes. Plus slow yourself down. I mean when talking. Take things at your own pace. No need to rush anything. The faster you try and talk the worse the words come out of the mouth. So never be afraid to take a step back. Take a deep breath. And just be calm. Find out what the girl likes doing. If she works. Her musical taste. To show a bit of interest in her. So it is not all about yourself. But have your own story set in your head. So when asked you will know what to say. Good luck with thing. Now go find yourself a woman.

[Sun Woo]

Hey. Thanks for the reply. Sorry for the double post. It is difficult to be clear and concise.

I understand that I wrote about a lot of different things. I didn't mean to sound like, I want to talk to every girl out there (on elevators or whatever).

I've actually had dates with people I've met in such avenues as waiting for a bus. What I meant to say is, I need to be outside of clubs. I dislike them, plus I quit drinking. Anyways, I am currently in the midst of joining such a club, that I am interested in. I meant to say how to deal with approach anxiety. I do get attention sometimes, but I can't make a move, because there are other people around. Hence, I am better one on one (another reason that I dislike night clubs). Anyways, there are several areas of life I want to change. Really, it comes down to success.

When it comes to taking an interest in the supposed partner, I do that. I've never been selfish in my relationships/ friendships. I've always been giving. Of course, you can't give to everybody. So, if I am not getting anything in return (namely honesty and mutual feelings), then there isn't a point. I am a conversationalist, at heart.

When I do step out of my comfort zone, people seem to like me... but I really only need a few close friends. So, while I want to meet people, I really don't at the same time. I know this is contradictory. I got majorly screwed over several years ago ( I know it's a part of life), but it's very hard to trust/ invest time and energy in people, ever since.

I was just wondering, how does one get over approach anxiety. In groups, with drinks, or if I have at least one good friend (and the rest are strangers), I can make very reasonable and enjoyable conversation... giving the impression that I am enjoying my time. At the same time, I kind of feel out of place, nearly everywhere. I am also cognizant that if I am not going anywhere with these people, rather than just "having fun / relaxing", then I am taking myself off of my path. I've lost a lot of time, and I need to make sure I don't lose anymore.

I'll admit that I was in confusion a few years ago... but I've changed so much about myself, that really only anxiety remains. And some other things, that I can't change yet. I know that nothing happens over night.

Also, my interests are not necessarily to be discussed. Philosophy, school, career, humor etc I can discuss. However, I can't just get into all the projects I am involved in... especially at first. I think it's best not to let everyone know everything.

 I just don't know IF someone is worth my time or not... And then usually when I do get to know someone, I realize they aren't. I know that if you don't try, you can't tell. I guess there's nothing wrong with some "bad relationships". You can learn a lot in any relationship. I'm not trying to rush into one. I just don't know if I'll always be alone. And if that's where I'm headed... how can I change that? It seems that I never made a move til it was too late, or now, people just don't understand me if I actually like them or not (sometimes I've been told that). At the same time, girls say a lot of crazy things... so who knows what anyone really wants/ needs? It seems that dating in a major city is just a stream of hookups and short-lived flings and people manipulating each other for instant gratification or even emotional support (that is not returned). If that's how it is, then I'd rather be single.

Thanks for your good wishes.

Sun Woo

[Sun Woo]

(Accidental double post)