Can someone please tell me whether I have anxiety or not?

[Jakurtis]

I visited a therapist a few weeks ago, but I couldn't get the words out my mouth or explain what was going on. After a long and rather awkward conversation, he told me to come back in a few weeks after I pay attention more to my problem. I did the best I could, writing down my thoughts right after my "attacks" happen. This is it.
 I am very uncomfortable around people. Usually, in small spaces with other people, I am uncomfortable and very agitated, a little Tense, and nervous. When I am nervous and all this happens, my mind goes crazy and I flip out. My heart starts beating really fast, and I have trouble breathing. I guess I just panic. Every so often, in church, I will just find it hard to breathe, and I want to step out of the church and get away from everybody to catch a deep breath, but I don't. I cannot talk in front of people for I do the same thing. I get nervous and shaky, my voice quivers a lot, and nothing people say to encourage me works. Nothing I say to myself works. I scold myself when I have these occurrences, for there is no one else to blame. When a coach yells at me for messing up, I get frustrated because i know I'm a failure and mess up all the time. For example, in baseball practice recently, I threw a ball but it didn't even get close to the catcher. The coach asked me "what the heck was that?" I told him that I didn't know and I was embarrassed  and ashamed of myself. I cant throw a baseball to save my life, but the weird thing is that i know im athletic. i just panic and freak out in front of people, i guess.In a recent game, our coach gave me a sign to hit the ball, but I didn't swing. He became angry and gave me the same sign again, but once again I didn't swing. It was not because I wanted to disobey his order or that I didn't think it was the right call. It just got really intense and I didn't swing, because I panicked. The coach yelled at me for that and once again, I was embarrassed and angry with myself. Even in any sort of sports practice and game, I panic and don't know what to do, usually ending up in a faulty play. If I'm not nervous while talking to someone or playing sports, then I'm depressed because I can't figure out why I have this problem or how to fix it. I've always loved animals, perhaps because they don't possess many human-like characteristics. I have always wanted to move away from everybody, just live with a couple of cats and stay there the rest of my life. I would be happy and love my life, for I would be worry and nervous-free  All the coaches think I'm lazy when I don't run or try hard in practice, but it's only because I'm depressed from having to live with this Hindrance. I'm not lazy, because I work hard when I have a rare moment of no nervousness or worrying. I just don't understand what is going on with me, and my parents don't either. I tried to tell my mom, but she said she thought that I looked just fine in games and stuff. But she doesn't know me or listen to what I say. On the outside I play it as cool as possible. On the inside, it's like a nuclear war erupts and all hell and chaos breaks loose. Why do I have this problem? How do I fix it?

I know that only "the doctor" can diagnose me with anxiety, but could someone please give me his/her opinion? Everybody that I have told about this acts like its nothing and just tell me to stop worrying. But how do I stop worrying when worrying  is the problem? I just do not understand it.

[kconnors]

Hi,

So glad that you decided to share your experience with you . . . while, yes, only a doctor can diagnose you, let me offer some insights . . . .take from them what you want . . . not all suggestions are good for everyone . . .

1.  It is not unusual to have a difficult time to explain what is going on when you see a therapist. Sometimes we have so much to say that it all gets jumbled and backed up. By writing down your thoughts, you are not only helping to provide your therapist with information, you are also helping yourself get it out from anxiety brain into reality where you can deal with the thoughts in a rational fashion.

2.  Many people are uncomfortable around other people especially crowds in confined spaces. This is agoraphobia and comes in different varieties. Again, your therapist should be able to guide you with management techniques that are meaningful to you.

3.  Please do not scold yourself. Your anxiety is a mental health issue. It is not a condition that you want; but, it is a condition from which you can recover and manage. You are not a failure no more than I am a failure for my anxiety and no more than anyone is a failure for having any type of physical illness. Even if someone makes a comment, so what? You are living your life. Don't allow others to live it for you. As far as I am concerned, your coach needs to understand that it is his / her role to help to develop skills, not to criticize in a non-constructive fashion. It seems as if you are self-inflicting pressures to be athletic, to throw the baseball, etc. This can create what is called anticipatory anxiety. Look, I am probably quite a few years more advanced in age than you are and I can tell you that throwing a baseball is quickly replaced by other more meaningful accomplishments. It seems to me that in baseball, all your anxieties manifest themselves and when you cannot unravel them, well, you go to the other side of anxiety which is depression.

4.  You are not lazy and it certainly does not help to have coaches make you feel that way. I am unsure how old you are, but I think you are more on the younger side if I read your posting. You have spoken to your Mom who tells you that you are fine (Moms are great at being our cheering squadf) and that is super but I know that you are looking for approval from your coaches and other players. You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and I am not sure that you are getting anything out of it. You may need to ask yourself if, at this point in time, playing baseball in this set of circumstances is the best for your mental health issue. Perhaps you would feel more comfortable starting a completely different sport where the coaches are really coaches and not themselves frustrated players who perhaps cannot play the game as well as they force their players to do so.

5.  Moms sometimes are not the best to help in these circumstances . . . their love makes them want to have your hurt disappear but they don't know how to do it . . .they know all about the support and the hugs and they are skilled in making the hurt go away from physical pain . . . . not everyone is good at supporting someone who is experiencing the anxiety / depression that you are experiencing and that's okay because we all have different experiences and different skills . . . keep chatting with your Mom, keep her in the loop as much as you are comfortable with doing it and as much as she is comfortable in chatting with you about it , and if you need to vent or explode, come to this forum and do it . . . . Perhaps there is another adult in whom you can confide and who can chat with Mom . . . .

Let me close with this . . . from your posting, you sound like a super person who has marvellous insight into what is going on. There may be many reasons for why you are anxious . . . .for me, your coach could be one of the main reasons as it seems as if s/he has sucked all the fun out of sports and your anxiety in anticipating what will happen at baseball has appeared to trickle into other areas of your life. You cannot "fix" this problem overnight but a therapist will help to guide you to manage it. Yes, you may decide to stop playing baseball and go into a different sport . . . your decision, your life . . . I know that because of who you are in this posting, you will certainly make a great coach in the future because you will treat the players with respect. People will tell you that it is "nothing" or to "stop worrying". These are folks who have never experienced anxiety so they don't have a frame of reference. You need to focus on you and don't worry about anyone else. You can always come here but don't for a minute believe anyone else's opinion of you. You need to develop your own concept of your value and from what I can see, you are a very fine individual. Work with your therapist, come here whenever you would like to post, and start to work to get some of the pent up energy from the inside out (exercise is great . . . . you don't have to become a long distance runner, but exercise does help to burn off energy) . . . more than anything, be kind to yourself . . . . baseball games come and go, but you are your own best friend for life . . . check in with us, okay?  Take care, KC

[Jakurtis]

Thank you so much for replying! I have really looked into this community and think i will make a lot of new friends, starting with you (if thats ok)!I have always just wanted to hear someone tell me that they know what it's like and stuf like that. I (im 17) agree that I can be harsh on myself at times, but I feel like I'm only a reflection of my coaches. I am now at a point that if the coaches ask me why im not putting out any effort, i will tell them i dont care, and then i will tell them what i have been going through for so long, what has been holding me back and putting me to shame. But my coaches dont care, they actually gave me a lecture yesterday how i have been taking the easy rode and not working hard. i hate my life a lot. i will just sit in my room and lie down for a few hours, crying and hoping that things will get better, but i know they wont. I feel like i have never known love, success, happiness, or in general, a normal life. If I could, I would quit all sports, but my coaches think I'm too much of an athlete and my dad won't let me quit. If only they understood.... I honestly don't enjoy winning in sports, or success for that matter. The anxiety I have to go through to get there isn't worth it, and no matter what, it leaves me feeling defeated. I have gotten to another depression point where I don't try to overcome the anxiety, I just give up and don't care. It's hard for me not to hate myself when I have had this problem for so long and haven't been able to fix it. I only hope that my therapist will tell me he knows what I'm talking about, and that he understands.

I can not thank you enough for replying ( I was worried noone would respond) to my post! I hope that you do not feel like I'm trying to get you to feel sorry for me, I just wish to tell someone about my problems, and get them off my chest. I will read your replies and listen to what you say, for I know you are experienced and possess far more insight than me. Thank you, once again,

Jakurtis

[kconnors]

Hi,

Well, you know, that around the age of late teens such as 17 years of age, you are beginning to sort out who you are as a person. Please remember that your brain does not stop growing until around the mid 20s. So, right now is the time to nurture your personality. I used to be involved in sports in high school. I was not very good. In fact, I had a difficult time remembering which end of the court was ours and which end belonged to the competition. I wanted to play sports because it seemed like "fun" and you got to be involved in a group activity. I soon turned away from it partly because of the coach who had what we called a "Suck it up, Princess" attitude and that no matter what you did (unless you were one of her three star players), well, it was never good enough. At one game, and this was just be accident, I got the winning basket. My coach told me I must be Irish because that was the luckiest shot she had ever seen. What she did not know was that I had been practicing hours a day to try to improve to get her approval. After that, I lost all interest in playing competitive team sports. I did go on, however, and take up tennis (individual). In that way, whether I won or lost, it did not matter. I slowly moved away from competitive sports (first, because I was not very good and second because I like to have fun --- there is nothing wrong with competition if that is what you want, but it was not for me. I preferred to work with kids who were just out for the fun of the game. Probably why I went into teaching and specialized with students who were having academic difficulties. I figured that everyone can improve to the best of their abilities but there is little to be achieved in comparing apples and oranges --- we all have our different skill specialties and, for me, the point was to strengthen all skills and focus on where the student's interests and strengths were). All of this to say . . . everyone is good at something but everyone is not good at everything.

You are in a bind because you are an athlete and your Dad won't let you quit. I am taking a guess here but perhaps your Dad's own sense of pride is in your accomplishments which is not good for either of you from my perspective. Depending on your Dad's philosophy, he is probably trying to teach you that it is not good to quit anything that you have started especially if he perceives that you "should" be good at something. Parents often seek their validation as a parent through their children. I am sure that your Dad feels that he is teaching you to follow through on tasks but right now, I don't think this is the issue. I think the issue is your own concept of your self-value which is way more important.

I can well understand why you hate your life. At 17 you are still living decisions that you have not made which is frustrating. Your family support system, for whatever reason, is keeping you in a situation that is demoralizing to you and you have few, if any, options. My best advice would be to approach your therapist to help you to intervene on your behalf. Perhaps you, Mom, and Dad need to see the therapist together so that Mom and Dad recognize that this is a health issue that their son is experiencing. Your parents need to realize that what you will not simply grow out of what you are experiencing. Having said that, please do not be too hard on your parents. Their own backgrounds and experiences condition their reactions, so they probably feel that they are doing what is best for you. For that reason, sometimes direct intervention on their part with your therapist might help them to understand. Your parents also have a vested interest because once you turn 18 and you are legally an adult (at least I am assuming that is the legal age), you will be free to make your own decisions and these decisions may be of greater significance than simply staying and playing baseball with coaches who are more vested in winning than in how they win. So, they should want you to have a great grounding in decision-making so that you can make informed decisions. You may make decisions that don't work out but that is how we learn. We look at a situation; have skill sets to make an informed decisions considering costs and consequences; and then make the decision that we feel is best suited to us. They should want you to have those skills as you enter adulthood.

From my experience, you cannot control anxiety but you can develop strategies to manage it. At 17, this is a key time to deal with these issues before they become entrenched. Your feelings of depression, frustration, etc. are normal as are the ways your body responds (by the way, regardless of any "macho" theory, crying is an excellent release for anxiety because it is your body's way of shedding some of the frustration). 

I do not think that you are trying to get anyone to feel sorry for you. To come to a forum, to put yourself forward by describing your issues, to be honest in presenting yourself takes great courage and insight. You have all the makings of a fantastic adult who is in need of guidance and support for a health issue. Do not give up despite the obstacles. Do not feel defeated (yes, harder to do than to say) because you are only defeated if you retreat from reaching out and you have done the opposite . . . you have embraced the process and you are doing it under difficult conditions. Do not hate yourself. In fact, you should congratulate yourself that you are not simply going through the motions to make others happy and trying to suppress your feelings. You know that there is an issue and you are going after a solution. Yes, it is a process; and yes, it may require you to make some difficult decisions when you reach the legal age, but you have to remember that this is your life and you want to live it. Your strong in body and you are working hard to become strong in mind and you will succeed.

Right now, it is tough going . . . come here as often as you would like . . .we may not have the answers but we can support you and yes, whether we are 17 or 71, we know about anxiety and even though how anxiety manifests itself is different for each of us, we know that it can be managed . . . we learn from each other and we have learned from you . . . so I hope to see you back here whenever you feel like checking in . . . in the meantime, try using some mindfulness techniques . . . check out tape #6 at http://www.selftherapy.org/stop-anxiety-panic-attacks.php   ---- it's free to listen to online . . .. but remember, you are always welcome here and we really appreciate that you take the time to share your experiences . . . it makes each of us stronger to know of the different ways anxiety is triggered . . . take care, KC