Sick of feeling like this...

[Squeemy]

Im so over caring, worrying, anxiety & now i have no energy to even do activities i enjoy because i just feel so drained & over it.

My ex decided to tell me hes moving on ( despite me thinking we were working it out) & that hes learnt from his mistakes with me how to treat his next girlfriend. Needless to say that was like a slap in the face with a rubber glove & it really damaged my self esteem. I feel so unloveable & useless. I loved my ex so much (10 years) & hes cheated on me in the past but i kept trying for our son. Now I just feel like crap.

Im upset with myself for allowing this to happen. I know i shouldnt be letting it make me feel this way but I do because i care. I didnt want him to see me upset but i couldnt hold the tears in as i am sensitive & just dont know where to go from here. So lonely & depressed right now and self analytical.

Advice, tips, anything??

I booked in today to see a psych. Are achy legs a sign of depression?

[howifeel]

Sorry to hear about the relationship breakup. That comment from him was pretty bad. I couldn't imagine saying that. Nevertheless, that is the problem with a boyfriend. He is a boy, not a man. That's why they are called BOYfriends. You and your son need a man. Unfortunately, this guy will grow old and become invisible to women. Then it will sink in that the things he should have attended to at a younger age are gone forever. He will be a wrinkled mess in need of viagra. He's not the only one for you. There may have been good times off and on, but what about consistency?

Be careful not to be caught in co-dependency. It can cause some anxiety and depression. If that is the case you may find yourself comfortable around males that are not so good, and uncomfortable around guys that are a healthier fit. Avoiding healthier social environments and being drawn to unhealthy ones (dating forums, nightclubs etc.) feel good, but are ugly in reality. Like sweets, they taste good, but in the long run, make you look bad. Diet and exercise is all good, but who we hang with determines a lot. Don't get comfortable in relationships with people who genuinely don't care about you.

[Squeemy]

Thanks for the advice   

I am a very independent woman & am disgusted with myself for even staying in such an unhealthy relationship. I feel like I gave him such a long chunk of my life & now Im turning 33 & dont even have the confidence to start talking to a guy as i feel like I have trust issues now which I need to work on.

i suppose time will be my friend here.

[dannysmiles19]

I want to say some things. I don't typically reply to people because I think about my own issues like all of you on this site and other forum sites.

I suffer from some type of depression and anxiety that I don't quite understand fully.

Imagine this: every year since graduation, I suffer disabling effects from fall and winter...imagine a wave of hopelessness...helplessness...anxiety.. .and a feeling of malaise.

A feeling like life is not the way it should be...and it happens on its own...you don't do anything wrong...the sun goes down...until it's so low, you begin to suffer from a type of depression known as Seasonal Affective Disorder.

I know what it's like to feel like 0103, like you don't have your identity, like life is cruel and meaningless.

Because this disorder that I feel like I have is a clinical depression subtype. It's major depressive episodes that last months on end......and the treatment I've been trying to get is not working.

Meds aren't helping, and I never tried a light box...but imagine feeling like your life is closing in on you...like you aren't meant to live a normal life...

It's one of the most haunting, hurtful feelings a person could have....and I'm scared of Now, and I'm scared of next fall...because it's hell on earth. I isolate and I suffer.

So i know how you fucking feel.....I get no answers as to what is happening to me....I just...suffer. I get fears like: I'm done for, I'm not gonna survive this, I'm in a black hole, there's no hope for me anymore...

No treatment is helping me. and I am scared every damn day...

[howifeel]

Don't lose heart danny. No one understands us. We have to be patient. Very patient. You have what is termed treatment refractory depression. Very nasty stuff. An evaluation of your circumstances may reveal some pressure areas. Meds don't typically help with treatment refractory depression. Something will work. It just takes time. Don't forget to reach out locally to possible peers that can relate to you. Something will work, and, no , things won't keep getting worse. I know it is hard to accept right now, but they will improve. You will see.

[dannysmiles19]

That was very whole hearted of you to say. I am taking meds that are atypical, and I'm ticked off because those don't do anything. SSRI medication is the good stuff. that stuff can cause weight gain and other unwanted bullcrap, but you are correct that my bad feelings are not responsive to treatment.

It's a fact that I took Prozac last fall in november, and it ended up fucking me up. I may have had an adverse reaction. It was quite dangerous, I felt suicidal and hostile.

Meds can be dangerous. I'm on remeron and wellbutrin and seroquil. WAY TOO MUCH, right? You seem like a good person through text. lol

Things do improve, they did last year. But it took quite some time for the major depression to dissipate. I still felt like crap over the summer, because in fact, I was not doing much. I had a quiet summer. But it's a fact that I suffer way more in the colder months.

The seasons seem to cause clinical worsening for me. Now it's almost April, if I am correct about having seasonal major depression, it should clear up by april into May. Clinically speaking, i am better off when there is more sun.

Seasonal Affective Disorder sounded so logical to me, So i labeled myself with it without being officially diagnosed. I went through some very traumatic hospital visits that did nothing for me.

It's truly hell....it causes relationship strain in the family and with friends. and I'm always feeling vulnerable to pain.

I don't understand why I suffer or what happens to me in my brain....

I just feel nasty and I don't derive pleasure. and my mind just races.

I need to get off of these meds, they are not doing anything for me.

[howifeel]

Thanks for the response! Sometimes all you can do is get through the day. It's worth it though.

I've been on all of them. Was on Remeron, Prozac, and I am currently on Wellbutrin (That is not an ssri but a dopamine reuptake inhibitor. Only thing that works so far.) Remeron can be an exhausting drug. I was 5150'd, (hospitalized) and it didn't help much. They put me on Depakote and declared that I was BiPolar. They were wrong, and I knew it. Since I resisted treatment, they wouldn't release me. Took a little doing, but I got out.

Any mental illness is going to ruin friendships and family. That comes with the territory. Even the best of friends will vacate (it's not their fault). SAD sucks! Especially where you live. I am wondering how much of your depression has to do with anxiety. I am only speaking for me (very limited perspective), but a longer term, low dose benzodiazepam helped very much. Too high of a dose causes depression. Nevertheless, it helped me get out of the house and attend some groups. It also helped me sleep. The current talking heads keep drumming the idea that benzos are addicting, and lead to worsening anxiety. That is the exception, not the rule. I suspect the antidepressant companies are looking to make a buck (by bashing the benzos), but I may be wrong. Met plenty of people who had an experience like mine with benzos. This is where Googleing stuff may not be entirely accurate. I took them (Ativan .5mg and 1mg occasionally) for a few years straight, daily, and stopped with no problem.

Check this place out. Call them. It is a stretch, but be open minded about the idea of mental illness and recovery:

http://www.yellowpages.com/monticello-ny/mip/alliance-for-the-mentally-iii-466341753?lid=466341753

Tell them you feel like crap, and ask what they can do to add to your list of coping tools.

Take care! Let us know how you are doing!

[dannysmiles19]

I think.... well first off, you are a wonderful soul. Thank you for saying those enlightening things. But one big question, how do you know what I area I live in? How did you know Monticello, NY was near me?

That kind of creeps me out...

Second... Seasonal Affective Disorder is both an anxiety and depressive disorder...

and yes...SAD is a very crippling disorder. And ugh...that was a very blunt statement. Friends mean a lot to me....family...relationships...I don't want them to be ruined.

I get pretty nasty mood swings throughout the day.....SAD can come with moodiness...but I hope something clears up as the days get longer. It is also a full moon....

and the full moon effect has been up for debate whether it amplifies mental illnesses or not...

and getting through the day is...very tough. I feel very impatient...I want to just feel better. And it doesn't come at a time when I want it

[howifeel]

I found out where you live by your profile. Usually, when I respond to someone, I look at their profile and even read their past posts so I can get a feel for their situation.

Time crunch today, so I have to go. I assume people read my profile and posts, as well. I basically have no problem with folks knowing about me. I totally understand, however, peers that would rather not share personal information. You can edit out your location by going to your profile and leaving that field blank.

[dannysmiles19]

Oh it's quite okay...I understand.

I don't know what to say when I reply...because this means so much to me when you answer back. I don't typically go to web sites for help.

But i just want to get some things out there and see what other's think and feel about it.

I don't like to tell LONG BIOGRAPHIES about my struggles and issues like others do. They tell the whole shabang.

I am seeking assurance and reinforcement on when this will get better. Anxiety is definitely something I have, but if anything...the crabbiness, depression, and intense anxiety are the worst...

and it's very hard to control it. I'm up and down...I don't know if it's the change of the seasons messing with brain chemicals, or the full moon making me feel shitty...

all in all, i feel out of control and overwhelmed by it all. It's very hard.

I made myself a promise....if things get really bad, to the point of no more coping...I will go to the hospital. If it gets really really bad...

But i'm trying to take it day by day and get better without having to flee to the hospital for comfort....

The hospital is the option that keeps me from harming myself or others....

[howifeel]

I'm hearing you struggling to get better. I hear willingness to take action if necessary by going to the hospital, taking medication and reaching out. Keep moving. Try to refrain from "taking a break". There are some very common self talk statements that are paramount to any mental illness. Statements like "I will never get better" "I will never be normal" "other people are not like this" "I am going to lose everything" "Someday I am going to lose it" "I am going to wind up alone" "I will never be able to support myself" "I am ruining things for everyone" "People can tell that I am crazy" "Nothing is helping" "No one can help me" "If this happens again, I will not recover" etc. etc. These statements are like the stuffy nose of a cold. They are symptoms, but not in any way permanent. A great tool is thought records. Google it. I programmed a database and started filling it in over the years since 2008. Documented the thought, the feeling, the cognitive distortion, and logged historically the actual outcome. Here, 5 years later, my thoughts were completely inaccurate about the future, and none (and I mean none) of the worries I had, manifested themselves. Thoughts generate feeling, and feelings drive behavior. Don't forget to try local face to face support groups, if possible. No pressure though. Sometimes I don't respond for a few days because I am working some OT. Have a hard time telling people "No".

[dannysmiles19]

You respond with more words than my therapist. You said all of the right stuff...

all of it was very accurate and truthful. The truth is...it is cognitive distortion. I learned this at the final hospital i was at. They gave hand outs about cognitive distortion etc...

The thought processes do repeat themselves...what ive noticed is mental illness gets more and more intense as you age...

I now realize I have had seasonal affective/anxiety since the age of 15...I now realize I have had this illness inside of me all along...

but the profound aspect of the illness is it gets worse after you hit a certain age...like 18. Mental Illness blows up at the late teen mark...

when I became real sick...it felt like the worst depression ive ever felt...

and i realized much later on that SAD is said to be a subtype of clinical depression...

it dawned on me that I was suffering from an illness that needed some kind of treatment...

Cognitive behavioral probably is not truly enough...sadly...the internet doesn't mention how severe this disorder is...

they say "how to beat winter depression" but they don't mention the severe form, not in depth at least.

I have not tried light therapy yet, i plan on working with my doctor to find a treatment plan for next year.

I'm still recovering... It dawned on me that it is only late March...and remission does not truly set in until late april into May

[howifeel]

Yeah, sadly the internet has lots of cases where people improve with CBT or DBT, but I have my doubts as to the severity of their depression. The treatment refractory depression is especially hard, because you watch others get better and wonder "what is wrong with me? Will I ever get better?!" It's hard to not get angry about it. The future, and prognosis with a depressed mind, may not be that accurate. What I am saying, is that I can come to conclusions about the future based only on what I have experienced to the present. This is not a broad enough view to make an accurate prognosis regarding the future. At your age, I don't know if you are worried about a psychotic break, but you don't sound like you are anything near that. The Worry Cure is an interesting read, by the way. Life has some amazing changes, some of which are unexpectedly good. Don't forget to try reaching out locally. Go easy on yourself. You may be paranoid that you are bringing others down. That's not the case. For the most part, people don't eve notice half the stuff we think is obvious. Take care. Good to hear from you!

[dannysmiles19]

No no... lol I do not suffer from a psychotic illness...

19 is the peak age for any signs of onset of a psychotic illness...

I suffer anxiety, DP, DR, Depressed mood, loneliness...social withdrawal.

Thank you, DBT and CBT are effective...but the nature of a condition doesn't go away for quite some time... I actually have restless spring time energy.

and thank you... the future becomes distorted...yes. it's very hard. But sometimes I fear I will go crazy and get really angry at everything...I'm so tired of feeling this way and my sleep got disturbed last night. I felt like such 0103 today

[Squeemy]

This may be off topic.. I appreciate your input but how does this relate to my post? I think a new post of your own may have been handy to attract input from other members 

[dannysmiles19]

I was just responding to the other person that said those things to me...sorry