The simple fact I have to be here is surreal to me. I never thought I could feel this anxious or this scared. I've always been a fairly stressed person, but I always thought I'd manage it well. Tonight though, I just need to vent. I need to talk to someone but there's no one to talk to, right now or in general, in fact.
I'm a University student from Canada. I'm studying in something I like, but it's very time demanding. It is University after all. I'm 23 years old. I don't know how to proceed introducing myself, so I'll type whatever crosses my mind and maybe manage to lead you to understand what has brought me here.
I've never been a particularly healthy person as far as I know. Or I've been a relatively health person compared to others, but I just don't know it. Maybe I'm hypochondriac? Probably a little. I don't know. Maybe this whole paranoia about being hypochondriac is why I'm hypochondriac? Maybe I'm not hypochondriac nor that unhealthy and I need to just breathe and chill out? I don't know. In any case, I've often been fairly unhealthy. Digestion stuff, acid reflux, dental stuff, etc. I've never honestly felt 100% healthy for a long duration of time.
Recently, people have told me I'm a fairly stressed person and truth be told I came to realise I was. Nowadays particularly, my life is very "busy". I started a little hobby as fun which quickly turned into a large time consuming activity that, however, basically generates my income now. Which is GREAT, really. When you think about it, who WOULDN'T want to generate such a good income at 23 years old from a fun hobby. It is time consuming and that, in addition to University, in addition to me finally deciding to get my drivers' permit, in addition to my hobby that consumes a LOT of my time and I'm basically semi-neglecting it at the moment due to a lack of time.. Then suddenly I feel a lump above my right clavicle. Great.
Doesn't go away after a few days. Go talk to my doc', she says it's a swollen lymph node. Get some blood tests and a radiography of your neck done. I. Am. Worried. To. Hell. I do what everyone should NOT do and start googling symptoms. Bam. #1 symptom for lymphoma (cancer of the immuno-defensive system). I felt like puking.
Today, had to film a movie with my friends in class and I did, we started filming all night long (it'll take a few days to finish) but at 7-8 PM I just couldn't anymore. I was too stressed from my friend describing that his dad had the same symptom as me (lump above right clavicle) and well, ended up with Lymphoma. I left a 7-8 PM (it's 10:26 PM atm, they're all still there. I think they'll sleep in University probably, they do that often when we work on projects late night) and I couldn't stop stressing about it. I just couldn't and I kinda still can't.
Although while I was typing this, my sister in law called me. She's a pharmacist. I cracked and started crying. I never cried in front of her or in front of anyone in my family mostly, really. I cracked and started crying and she knew why because I had spoken to her about it (she's a pharmacist, once again, so somewhat knows about health stuff.) - she told me she understood perfectly but that she very recently had the exact same thing; swollen lymph nodes in her neck and she freaked the hell out too - she knew exactly what I felt like. Her family has priors with cancer, Lymphoma specifically too. So it felt good to know she knew how I felt and it felt good (although a little embarrassing) to just start crying on the phone to her. She never saw me cry or anything, I don't cry that often, but it felt pretty good to finally let all the day's stress out. Then she made me realise I had blood tests last July and my Doc' said there was nothing to be seen and, something of the sort (lymphoma or leukemia) would be spotted then. So I feel extremely relieved, although I'm not going to lie, I'm still stressed with the possibility of it being something serious like that. I'm not particularly healthy. I smoke fairly frequently (hookah, not cigarettes. Not to say that's better) and I have a swollen lymph node above my right clavicle: pretty common symptoms to Lymphoma. It's impossible to ignore the possibility no matter how bad I want to.
I have to go get my blood test tomorrow, early morning. I have to be up at 5:30 AM to leave the home at 6 to get there at least 45 minutes before the opening (or else I won't get a turn without waiting a bunch of hours - thanks Canadian healthcare system). But I'm struggling to fall asleep mostly from overthinking all of this.
So in brief, you know what's on my mind now. Uni. Work/hobby. Health (dental stuff + this new swollen lymph node thing). Driving permit.. It's all.. I don't know. I just don't know what I'll do IF it turns out to be something serious - although I perfectly understand that, as my sister in law told me on the phone tonight, it's okay to worry, but worry logically. I had blood tests done last July and there was nothing. My doctor isn't worried enough that she sent me to the hospital right away. Etc. It's probably nothing. I can't help stressing over it regardless.
In any case, if you've read all that, kudos, thank you, you are amazing. If you haven't, I don't blame you, skimming over it should give you the gist of who I am and what I'm suffering of right now. Either way, it just felt good to vent out and type it all out. I think it'll feel good to take a moment to relax and type out what I plan on doing next, this week;
Tomorrow (Monday); wake up as early as possible, get blood tests. Then once that's done, head to University because we have more filming to do.
Tuesday: Class, as usual. Not sure if I'll go though.
Wednesday: Class, not sure if I'll go though.
Thursday: Echography of my neck.
Friday: Exam which I need to study for a bit during the week, actually.
I realise I will stress after the blood tests and echography until I can talk to my doctor.
I suppose what I was hoping from coming to this forum was, maybe, some miracle way from more experienced fellows with how to deal with all this anxiety and stress that's keeping me awake and on edge? Anything to just, calm me down? Get my mind off stuff? I'd prefer no medications, personally.
Thank you for giving me a place to air out, it feels good. Lots of love to all of you.
P.S: Sorry if I slipped a cuss in my big rant up there, I did my best and backspaced a few F bombs a few times but some may have unconsciously slipped in.