Counseling triggers anxiety

[Sidhe]

I've recently decided my anxiety is such that I should probably get some kind of therapy/counseling for it.  But one of the things that makes my anxiety flare up is the act of going to counseling, and I'm really at a loss as to what to do at this point.

I had horrible experiences with social workers and counselors in grade/high school.  When I was a kid, they tried to coerce my parents into medicating me for ADHD, which testing has proved I do not have.  In junior high, they told me I was being harassed was because one of my bullies had a crush on me and if I was "nicer" to him, he'd stop.  When he didn't, they blamed me for refusing to "ignore" him and tried to prove I was bulling him back.  Then, in high school the social work department forced my English teacher to try and prove I didn't need accommodations for my dyslexia. When I tried to stop going to social work they forced me into an "intensive social skills" class for autistic students.  (I don't have autism, or any social problems.)  They claimed I didn't have any friends (which also was not true) and attempted to make me hang out with kids with serious social problems who I had nothing in common with.  Eventually when I was a sophomore in high school, my social worker killed herself and I got to stop attending sessions.

So basically when it comes to social workers, counselors, and psychologists my trust level is ZERO.  Experience has taught me that those people don't help you, they make everything worse and then cause new problems.  It's always, always been me against them.  Even when I was twelve, I had to be one step ahead to make sure they didn't trick me into saying I had problems concentrating and give me drugs for something I didn't have.

I actually tried to go to counseling a month ago, and it just did not work for me.  My anxiety got stronger the closer I got to the counseling building, I was absolutely petrified somebody I knew might see me, I couldn't relax for a second.  Then, when I finally actually had to go into the counselor's office I got worried she might try to make me go back for another session, or tell me I needed meds or have me sign up for some kind of social lesson and just panicked.  I told the counselor that since signing up for the session I'd realized that the anxiety attack I had in front of a professor (who made me sign up for counseling afterwards) was just the result of poorly managed blood sugar (I'm hypoglycemic) and everything was fine.  She believed me, and I got out of there as fast as I could.  Leaving the building was a huge relief.

Now I'm not sure what to do.  I probably do need help of some kind.  But I can't attend conventional counseling, especially not through my school.  What do you do when going into a small office room, sitting on a comfortable couch and talking to some syrupy-sweet, intentionally non judgmental person who's obligated to care about your feelings makes you want to have a panic attack?

[insights]

Do you have someone who could go with you? If so, do you think this would help?

What do you have against medication?

Ian

[Sidhe]

I do have people who could go with me, but that would just make everything worse.  Several of my past social workers wanted me to "bring friends" to my sessions.  Doing that made other kids think I was weird, and refusing/explaining none of my friends were free that particular period enabled the social worker to then claim I had no friends and force me into that intensive social skills class in the first place.

I am against taking medication for problems I don't have.  I don't have ADD or ADHD.  I have been tested for every learning disability under the sun.  I have been subtested for every learning disability under the sun.  I am dyslexic, but I do not have ADD or ADHD.  Therefore, I do not need to take meds, and it was wrong of my school's social workers to try and talk my parents into giving me Ritalin.  When my mother refused, the social workers told her she was failing me as a parent and tried to coerce her into drugging me.  I am very, very hesitant to take anything suggested by a psychologist/therapist/social worker because of this.

Also, I'm highly sensitive to most medications, I tend to react badly to them, and addiction runs in my family.  My anxiety is not constant, and it's just the flare-ups that cause problems for me.  Most of those flare-ups are caused by my emotionally abusive father & sister.  So, I don't think medication would be the right thing for me.  If I could find a way to do it without getting anxious, I'd prefer to talk about how to deal with them and develop faster ways to calm myself when I do get anxious.

[insights]

I am against taking medication for problems I don't have.

You appear to have an anxiety disorder for which there are effective medications.

So basically when it comes to social workers, counselors, and psychologists my trust level is ZERO.  Experience has taught me that those people don't help you, they make everything worse and then cause new problems.  It's always, always been me against them.  Even when I was twelve, I had to be one step ahead to make sure they didn't trick me into saying I had problems concentrating and give me drugs for something I didn't have.

It sounds like all your problems have been with school social workers/counselors/psychologists. Would you be more comfortable with seeing a private psychotherapist specialising in CBT? Do you have health insurance cover to do this?  Alternatively, there are many self-help books based on CBT which might help. Your local library should have some.

My anxiety is not constant, and it's just the flare-ups that cause problems for me.......So, I don't think medication would be the right thing for me.

The benzodiazepines would be the ideal medications for your circumstance as they are very effective and only need to be taken when needed instead of daily as with antidepressants. Getting a prescription might be difficult as many doctors don't like prescribing them because of a, IMHO, misplaced concern about dependence. However, you won't know if you don't ask your doctor.

Ian

[Sidhe]

I was attempting to clarify that most of what I wrote about not wanting to take medication was in relation to a particular incident where my school's special ed department teamed up with the school social worker in an attempt to bully my mother into putting me on Ritalin.  I was tested for every learning disability under the sun.  I don't have ADD/ADHD, and they had the paperwork to prove it.  They literally were trying to drug me into behaving the way they wanted me to, not because I had a problem that could be alleviated with the help of medication.

If it's determined that seeing a shrink and coming up with new methods to combat anxiety attacks is not effective for me, I would be entirely open to trying anxiety medication.  However, the idea of having a shrink prescribe me meds scares me because at the moment, I don't trust those people at all.  I don't trust them to take my actual needs into account, rather than slapping a little bottle of general "calming" pills into my hand just to get rid of me.

I'm still on my parents health insurance, but I'm pretty sure my mom would pay for whatever help I decide to get regardless of if I'm covered or not.  I'll probably look into some of those self-help books.  I've been considering just buying psychology textbooks and teaching myself how to do this stuff for a while now.  If I do see somebody though...  I think I'd be okay with a normal therapist as long as they didn't remind me of my old ones and would be willing to meet somewhere other than an office with lots of grey metal furniture and a couch.

Given that most of my anxiety flare ups are caused by being around my father/younger sister, I would prefer to explore other means of treating those flare ups before I try drugs.  Again, I'm super-sensitive when it comes to medication of any kind.  One pill of Dramamine will put me to sleep for 8 hours, and the first time I took it I forgot who my parents were.  I've experienced depression symptoms after taking allergy medicine for a week.  And I'm especially hesitant to try any medication that gives doctors concern about dependance.  Both sides of my family have a long history of turning to alcoholism as a means to alleviate anxiety.  I'd rather cut my father/sister out of my life completely than risk addiction.