I've recently decided my anxiety is such that I should probably get some kind of therapy/counseling for it. But one of the things that makes my anxiety flare up is the act of going to counseling, and I'm really at a loss as to what to do at this point.
I had horrible experiences with social workers and counselors in grade/high school. When I was a kid, they tried to coerce my parents into medicating me for ADHD, which testing has proved I do not have. In junior high, they told me I was being harassed was because one of my bullies had a crush on me and if I was "nicer" to him, he'd stop. When he didn't, they blamed me for refusing to "ignore" him and tried to prove I was bulling him back. Then, in high school the social work department forced my English teacher to try and prove I didn't need accommodations for my dyslexia. When I tried to stop going to social work they forced me into an "intensive social skills" class for autistic students. (I don't have autism, or any social problems.) They claimed I didn't have any friends (which also was not true) and attempted to make me hang out with kids with serious social problems who I had nothing in common with. Eventually when I was a sophomore in high school, my social worker killed herself and I got to stop attending sessions.
So basically when it comes to social workers, counselors, and psychologists my trust level is ZERO. Experience has taught me that those people don't help you, they make everything worse and then cause new problems. It's always, always been me against them. Even when I was twelve, I had to be one step ahead to make sure they didn't trick me into saying I had problems concentrating and give me drugs for something I didn't have.
I actually tried to go to counseling a month ago, and it just did not work for me. My anxiety got stronger the closer I got to the counseling building, I was absolutely petrified somebody I knew might see me, I couldn't relax for a second. Then, when I finally actually had to go into the counselor's office I got worried she might try to make me go back for another session, or tell me I needed meds or have me sign up for some kind of social lesson and just panicked. I told the counselor that since signing up for the session I'd realized that the anxiety attack I had in front of a professor (who made me sign up for counseling afterwards) was just the result of poorly managed blood sugar (I'm hypoglycemic) and everything was fine. She believed me, and I got out of there as fast as I could. Leaving the building was a huge relief.
Now I'm not sure what to do. I probably do need help of some kind. But I can't attend conventional counseling, especially not through my school. What do you do when going into a small office room, sitting on a comfortable couch and talking to some syrupy-sweet, intentionally non judgmental person who's obligated to care about your feelings makes you want to have a panic attack?