I'll try not to make this too long, but to sum it up, I've been dating my boyfriend for a lite over two years. In the beginning (probably true with any relationship) we never fought. Things were amazing. Then after or first anniversary it felt like things were changing. Sometimes things were still amazing but we did start fighting more. Also a few really bad things happened to our relationship on his part.
I feel bad discussing them but I don't know who else to talk to, it how else to explain my situation. The first thing was finding porn on his computer. I honestly found it on accident while typing a paper for school and clearing the recycle bin/seeing a few images. Looking back, if that was all that happened I wouldn't even care now. Yes it hurt at the time but it was like 4 pictures and I confronted him and told him how it made me feel and he apologize a ton and was genuinely caring and worry and embarrassed about it. I got over it eventually and thought it was just a normal thing that happened and that everything was still okay.
Next, a few months later i found a lot more porn. This time it was a lot more than before and hurt worse than before because he promised not to do it again. It was a pretty bad experience because it hurt our trust significantly. It took a very long time to get over this one and made me so anxious in the relationship in a way I hadn't been before. I started thinking about it constantly, worrying why I wasn't enough to satisfy him, wondering how he could lie and not even care how against it I was, and made me feel very self conscious (as if I wasn't enough self conscious before). He apologized of course and we almost broke up beause I felt so betrayed. He swore to never do it again and explained how much he loved me compared To that and how he chose me over it etc. again I forgave him but still dealt with the worry of it.
Next, what happened made me wish he would have just looked at porn. I found out w was a member of a forum about role play or something in a video game. I still don't understand that one. Her said he joined it out of curiosity but didnt say or do anything. Although he was texting someone from the site which is what I found. When I confronted him he told me about a weird fetish he has of seeing girls grow taller in a sexual way. This completely disgusted and freaked me out because I had never heard of anything close to that. I researched it alone and found it is more common than I imagined. Oh well? He was very honest about it, said he felt alone and joined he forum to find people with the same thing... It hurt more than I can explain with words. This put a huge burden and distress on our relationship because I had never felt so confused or betrayed or hurt. It took literally months toget back To normal an to trusting him again let alone seeing him the same way. Honestly I stayed pretty disgusted at the thought of his secrets for months. But we got past it, I forgave him and was healing. I chose to love him through it and I really believed it was over. Really did.
And next? I found (I know I sound like a snoop but with past problems like this who wouldn't be?) anyways I found more stuff on his computer this time he had joined a breat expansion (go figure that one out) website for a month and even paid for it! How sick it made me. He had been on it a whole month(to my knowledge) and this was during the time he was swearing to me everything was over! I mean, I had never trusted anything more or been so sure about trusting him... This one get more than anythiń else before because I thought it was all over for good and because of how much time it took to heal before and finally to be okay...
This one hasn't even healed completely beause of how much trust it broke in our relationship. Wanna know what happened next? Now, this is half my fault and makes me sound like an awful person but I won't deny it... I made a fake email of his ex girlfriend saying I still wanted to be with him and he fell for it. He said he wanted to be with her still too. Before i told him it was me he emailed "her" sayi g he didn't mean it and it was a bad mistake.
So, all of those things built over time causing me to feel bad about myself and not good enough at all. But the last two things really pushed me over the edge. They took away all the trust and healig that took forever to build.
Over time, I forgave him and fell more in love with the person he is. I do trust him again but somedays I wonder if i'm being fooled again like I have so many times. Whenever I try talking about it he says he's embarrassed and wants to forget who he used to be an that I need to trust him. Which I know is the only way to move on but it's very hard.
Since the last thing with the email, our fights have gotten worse and more frequent. He blames me for them (and I see why because I constantly nag him for everything-specifically for taking too long to text back) last month he said I have one month to stop fighting with him because he can't take the fights. But the only reason I fight is e cause of how awful the things he has done to me have made me feel. I'm constantly thinking and worrying why he did them and if he still is.... Advice?