Someone to listen, please

[tkelly1517]

Hello Everyone,
I am a 20 year old male currently in a 10+ month long relationship and prior to that I was in an almost 5 year relationship.  I wanted to set the stage and really if you want to respond that's great but I think I just need to vent this out.  I've tried talking to my girlfriend about this, my family, my friends, shrinks, but I feel as though I am getting no where and that no one really wants to listen.  Recently I've been getting into more and more arguments my with girlfriend over my own insecurities and I feel as though it's only getting worse/ she won't be able to handle it anymore and I have no idea where to go.  Here is a small piece of my own history.

In my longest relation of almost 5 years, I really thought she was the one, we dated throughout high school and the first year of college and I know it sounds foolish to say that I thought she was the one at such a young age.  But whenever we were together, it was picture perfect and I literally mean that.  We barely fought and if we did it was over something extremely small and was resolved in seconds, her family loved me as I did them and vice versa and we had all of these plans for our future.  It was the whole deal, house, marriage, pets, kids, everything and I do believe that it was love and what really scared me was that when I first went into this, I wasn't expecting that at all.  I would have moved heaven and earth for this girl and I always made her my number one priority.  Of course there were times where I slipped up but I always bettered myself for her and changed.  However, at the beginning of our second semester of college she calls me on 0366 (we went to schools 1 /12 hours apart) and says that she can't do it anymore.  When she first said it, I believed I was in a dream, that this wasn't really happening.  It was so out of left field I was in a huge denial about it and just could not comprehend it at all, someone who cared for me this much just cast me aside like this.  We tried working things out, I visited her for a weekend and we just talked about our options and what we can do.  By the end we decided we were going to make it work, see each other more, and I was very close to even transferring just for her.  But as soon as I got back it just got worse and worse.  She began saying that she didn't want to talk to me for days, then she said we shouldn't talk until the semester was over (90+ days).  Everyday I was crying, I would walk into my room fine and just break down and cry and it took  it's toll on me.  This goes on for a month until finally I decide to go and see her and try and work it out again and I go the whole nine yards, her favorite flowers, dressed nice, everything.  But as soon as I get there she leads me to her room, sees the flowers and looks away and doesn't say a word to me.  I can already see where this is going.  Needless to say a fight ensues and words were said and one of the things she says to me is that "ever since we left for college, something was wrong with us" and she never bothered to tell me there was something wrong.  Finally it was over.  The funny thing though is that afterwards I didn't cry over it, I was just consumed by anger and malice.  I went back to my room, took everything that reminded me of her, every picture and every note, and threw it in the garbage and didn't look back.  After a month or so I decided I can't just sit around and I decided to begin this new relationship and everything was great, typical beginning of a relationship.

Over the summer though I found out that my ex-girlfriend began dating another guy days before she broke up with me and, in my eyes, essentially cheating on me and I asked her when we fought if there was someone else and she said no.  Ever since then it's been all down hill.  I've questioned everything about what I do, how I act, how my girlfriend acts and how she'll take things and I know I'm driving myself into the ground.  I know this is long and I apologize.  We both have busy schedules this semester as apposed to last semester and I can't see her as much and since I can't I am automatically reverting to that something is going on behind my back and I'm trying to prepare for the worst.  What's worse then that is that I think I'm provoking it mildly just to get the pain over with again.  I've talked to her about this but I don't want to anymore because I don't want her to think that I'm still caught up on my ex, as unhealthy as it may be it's still nothing but feelings of anger and malice toward her.  It's her actions that I'm caught up on and I just don't know what to do.  My other thing is that I consistently hold on to anything wrong I do while she instantly forgets them (as it should be) and I think it's because if I remember everything I do wrong than I can't make those mistakes than she doesn't have a reason to hurt me like I was hurt (if that makes any type of sense).

Does anyone have any advice on how to get past this, or how to cope?  I really don't want to keep pushing her farther and farther away and I'm tired of sabotaging myself.  Thank you all who read this, it means a lot to just get it out there and to those of you who respond I also thank you, I know your words will be a great deal of help.

Sincerely,
Tim

[PinkIcePrincess]

Hi Tim,
  So very sorry for your Heartache it is so hard when we do not understand why people either break things off for no reason but sadly reading everything you wrote something seemed to be going on sounds like she did have someone else and did not have enough courage to tell you which is usually what happens.
 It is very hard to have a relationship when you are apart and so young people do change and grow apart ..however if she was being dishonest she should have told the truth but it seems she did not so now she has left you with doubt and trust issues and that is so hard to swallow and deal with and try and trust someone else.
 By the way you wrote everything and how it went with you both you did nothing wrong at all but you are the one paying for her issues..right? Yes

 You have to tell yourself it was not your fault and she is made her choice and that you are the better person and at least now you really know what type of person she is and Thank God you did not marry her and find out to late! 

 If you have met a nice new girlfriend and you care about her then you do need to let go of the past and just stop even asking why did this all happen because it is now over and done she has moved on and you have not so do NOT let her do this too you..ok

 Trust is Huge and when that trust within us is damaged it is very hard to heal from but we can by saying I FORGIVE HER and I now am moving on and I will be much better off and I have a long life ahead of me and I am not wasting another day on thinking about my past because the past is over and done with now make NEW tomorrows and New plans!!

  You have a choice to be HAPPY or Miserable which do you wanna be? Do not let the ex define you she has long enough now.

  Good Luck and Hold your head high and know you did all you could and you are an awesome person!
  PinkIcePrincess
 

[I_am_I]

Tim,
   I feel your pain man, as well might others that read this post. PinkIcePrincess above has a great response and everything she says is true. Don’t let people and past experiences define who you are, but let them help you build on the person you want to become. To set the stage, I am 34 divorced IT professional. I have a great career and a great outlook on Life, but it was no picnic getting to where I am today. I was brought up in a great family with traditional values and made the mistake of wearing my heart on my sleeve. Live and learn, but if I didn’t go through my rough patches I am not sure how my life would have been. In short, if I didn’t leave my small town to move where my wife at the time was from, I wouldn’t have had all of the doors that opened up for me.  Please don’t read the response below as condescending, but read it as if your were talking to a good friend seeking some advice. I will not proof read this and second guess myself, but type it as thoughts come up, so don’t hand it in..
     No doubt that breakups and relationships are hard these days. You can read about all of the sayings that life has its ups and downs, and there are millions of articles on line trying to outline the ever changing direction of Life. But the truth is there is only one life and it is yours. You are the ultimate factor on how your life goes and how you feel. Like above, you are the one that needs to make the choice of being happy and follow that path, whatever it may be. Now I will get into my wisdom seeing that you are in college. You are preparing for the rest of your life with these years. You are on a stepping stone to get into the real world. High school and college are an umbrella and training wheels for Life, because it is outside waiting for you after graduation, and I wish I could say it gets easier. If you find yourself with anxiety, it is better to try to see where it is coming from in the early stages when it shows up, because as much as you wish you can just pull it out, you can’t. Reaching out to friends and family is a great way to vent and I am sure you feel great afterwards, but find out the anxiety just comes back. The one thing I want to drive home is that there is plenty of time for relationships after college. I know it might not be what you want to hear, but imagine 3 years from now when you think back on the hell you put yourself through college with the added stress of a relationship. I know that there are tons of people that have great relationships thru college, and that is great. For others tho, it adds a great deal of stress to there already stressful curriculum. I am sure you have this monkey chatter in your head that is constantly dragging you down, and it can have a huge impact on you. Just think if you bombed a midterm because you had a fight or some deep conversation that left you feeling malice the days prior, or failed a class. All of that hard work just to start over <- kinda sounds like a relationship doesn’t it.. If you are not an avid dater, and have been in only one serious relationship, you need to keep your options open. The chances that you find your perfect or a really great match on a first outing or after dating a girl for a while are pretty slim. We are all different and there are soo many women out there looking for a great guy, but dating (test driving) them is a necessity to see if there is a real connection with them, someone that adds to who you are and you to who they are. If you feel that you need to work on yourself to make you a better person, dater, boyfriend, or lover now is the time to do it. Do a dual major, you and your college major, I guarantee that both will work out to your advantage  There are a lot of great books for self help on confidence, relationships, and overall psychology, just don’t go for the pickup artist stuff..  Work on you. Work on making you feel great. Work on you being happy, because relying on another person doesn’t work, and they will never be able to handle that kind of burden.  Work on you with becoming the best you can become. After you get out of college, you will be Super You, and ready to take on the world and relationships. Just like college preparing you for your career, self help will prepare you for any social functions, be it at work or with a woman.  I wish there was something else I could say to make you feel better, but no one can make you feel better, it is up to you to make yourself feel better. Everyone has had bad breakups, bad relationships, divorces, ect.. If no one has, they most likely have that road ahead of them and look to seek out answers as well. Time heals most all things, and with relationships, time does heal the wounds. It might not feel like it now, but day by day everything gets better. For the Ex factor, she has moved on and you have as well. Remember the good and learn from the bad. For the current relationship, evaluate it and see what the best is for “You”, and don’t try to BS yourself, because you will call yourself on it. If things seem like they are spiraling downhill, there is something wrong. If it is with you, you need to work on it and nip it in the butt.
     I don’t know your situations as well as you do, so take all of this with a grain of salt. If you feel that you need to reach out to a psychologist, do so. They are great people and understand human emotions and how they work. They also have worked with many people and have great experience giving your mind a tune up, and there is no shame in seeing one either. If they weren’t needed , there wouldn’t be any. They help you find the root of your worries, and work with you to identify them, work thru them, and deal with them if they come up again. It is like they are a cheat code for life, because after they share their knowledge and work with you, it is like you have an upper edge on understanding how your emotions work, and that felling is really great.  I do wish the best in the current relationship you are in, and hope works out for the best for what is right for you.  I wish you well in life and your future endeavors. Just remember the sun will shine again, I can promise you that…

JTG