Fear of alcoholism a GAD Trigger

[gumtree567]

Hi guys, this forum is always such a welcoming place, so I guess I'm just looking to see if anyone has gone through the same problem I am right now.

Basically I had my first anxiety attacks at 10 years old when my only parent was diagnosed with life threatening cancer. After about a year with a therapist and my parent beating the cancer, I got better and though was always more of a stressed out kind of person at times, never had any sort of experience like I did when I was a kid. I did discover though, that when I'm anxious or having an attack I delve heavily into using triggers that don't always make a lot of sense. Like when I was a kid and it started happening we were learning about the crusades in school so I was absolutely terrified of seeing or hearing anything having to do with the crusades for about a year. As I got older these triggers for when I was feeling stressed out turned into other irrational but more common things. For example I'd be really scared of catching HIV even though I'm abstinent most of the time, so would be probably in the least likely demographic given my lifestyle habits in the world to contract it, that kind of thing.

So fast forward to this year and am now in my mid 20's. I've never had a problem in the past with alcohol with considering my alcohol habits unhealthy. I drink more than a lot of people, and less than a lot of people, but I think I had pretty normal habits. I was primarily a social drinker and never really kept it in the house a lot. So early this year I started to hate my job more and more, which is a really stressful job too, and a lot of other external life stuff was popping up. I recognize now that I was subconciously fighting back the full on flare up of GAD but at the time I started to self medicate by drinking more than I normally would, and realizing that my alcohol habits were becoming unhealthy. One morning at work my GAD broke to the surface and I started internally freaking out, though I don't get full on panic attacks usually. Basically that day I quit drinking because I googled that that may have something to do with it, and pretty much did not drink at all for a month. At this time it seemed to have no effect on my anxiety levels. My anxiousness was consistent throughout even though I had cut out alcohol and a lot of caffeine. After awhile I re-introduced small amounts of alcohol and again it doesn't really seem to have any effect on my anxiety levels in terms of whether I drink it or don't. My GAD seems to get really bad when I'm PMSing, or some days it will just be worse than others, and when my GAD is bad I don't drink, and that's not a problem. 

However now I've pretty much convinced myself I'm an alcoholic and that's what is causing all this, even though on days when I'm not anxious I feel completely fine and the idea doesn't seem to bother me at all. All of my close friends and family say they don't think I'm an alcoholic, and they are definitely the kind of people that I feel like would tell me if I was. However, this seems to be my new trigger stressor and it's a tricky one because it's kind of subjective and taboo.

I haven't really encountered anyone else for which this seems to be more of a manufactured trigger as opposed to an actual cause, and every time I google it I read about how it usually means you're an alcoholic and it stresses me out more, so I was wondering if it's just me

[Cuchculan]

The whole idea of something can cause anxiety alone. Your idea is that you might be an alcoholic. To have such thoughts in your head does not mean you are one. But it can lead to stress. As it brings up a load more questions. That ' what if ' type of questions. There is nothing to say that alcohol actually caused your problems to begin with. Things got rough for you. You drank a bit more. But once things got rough for you this is when the anxiety really began to come on. You stopped drinking. Trust me, not a lot of people could do that. It takes a strong person to do such a thing. So we know you are a strong person. Which leads me to believe you can fight this latest bout of anxiety. They seem more like intrusive thoughts concerning alcohol. You really have to accept the fact that you managed to kick alcohol out of your life. It is gone. There is nothing to fear from it. Use that strength you have. Believe in yourself. You are no alcoholic. You don't crave drink. If anything it scares you. Maybe have a word with your doctor. Theraphy may be another option. No matter how bad you may feel right now, there is always a road back.

[Bettie]

Can't really better Cuchulan's post but thought I would throw in my comments! It sounds like you are most definitely not an alcoholic...and that's coming from an ex-alky like myself! You are in control of the drink and not the other way round.

It's great you're abstaining while having a bad time with panic attacks. I have no doubt that alcohol makes the effects of anxiety even worse.

When the bad thoughts pop in your head, remind yourself that you are not an alcoholic....never have been one and never will be one. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself at these times to let the bad thoughts pass? When I feel bad thoughts popping into my head I distract myself with something else....either a book if I'm at home or a new task at work. And then I find it passes and I have actually forgotten about it.

[Fireraiser]

I have to agree with Bettie, you can't beat Cuchulan's post.  I also agree with Bettie, remind yourself that you are not an alcoholic and find something to distract yourself.  I find crafting works for me, but I also know that is not for everyone.
I understand the fear that you have and it can be very concerning.  I find regular meditation helps, but again I know it is not for everyone.  However, Bettie's suggestion that therapy may be a good choice right now, is a great one.

I hope that you start to feel better!