Anxiety question

[Johnny Boy]

Hi, I'm new here. I have been to the ER numerous times in the last few months. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and panic attacks. I've been seeing a psychiatrist and she asked me what my thinking pattern is which is causing my anxiety. I swore that I wouldn't be thinking of anything when these attacks would come, but she assured me that I was thinking of something negative to bring the anxiety about. After thinking about it, there are a few things. One is that I have someone who when he calls me to go out drinking and I tell him I have things to do, he always asks me...."What? What things do you have to do? He's someone I really don't want to hang around with anymore, and actually want to get him out of my life, but he is very confrontational and angry. The thing is that every time I tell him I have things to do and he asks me "like what?" in a very aggressive way, it stresses me out tremendously. It's like he owns me and I have to explain myself to him when he asks me what it is I have to do. I don't feel like I have to explain myself to anyone. When I tell someone I have things to do, I don't like it when they must know what it is that I have to do. How do I answer someone without neither offending them nor telling them what it is that I have to do, considering that it's none of their business?

[Johnny Boy]

And another reason I don't want to explain to him what I have to do is because sometimes I don't have anything to do, but am just using that as an excuse to not hang out with him.  So that's another reason I need to know how to answer someone who asks me what it is I have to do when I say that I have something to do, besides it not being any of their business.

[Aussiemix]

Yeah, a lot of anxiety is apparently suffered from people who like to please others, read that somewhere , an inability to say no or at least stress and anxiety when we do make a stand. You have to be firm, I found that after I developed anxiety I could just say "sorry, I'm not doing (insert whenever here) , I've had a breakdown and I'm taking it easy", the annoyers seemed to melt away as they weren't there to support me anyway, now I have my good friends left.

You have to end the situation or suffer the death of a thousand cuts, each time you turn him down you suffer, tell him you've got some personal stuff going on and you're making some changes, going out less etc, if that dosent help tell him flat, this isn't healthy for me and I have to look elsewhere for things to do.

Good luck though.

[supermario42]

Hello Johnny Boy,

I'm sorry you are having anxiety problems, and that your "friend" is making it worse. In regards to what your psychiatrist said she may have a point. I am somewhat like you in that I don't like to offend people and I don't like having people upset at me. Some people can just say "well screw you" when someone is upset at them, but not people like us. Anyhow, one thing I am learning is to be more "mindful" and to watch my thoughts. Basically the idea is to watch or listen to that inner monologue, than voice inside your head, the one that thinks, mulls, complains, day dreams, is self critical, etc. Just try to watch/listen to that monologue and try to observe the thoughts in a non-judgmental non-critical way. Just try to acknowledge the thought and not label it in any way. Try to see any repetitive patterns.

Often when I am suffering from anxiety I am too much in my head, too much identified with that voice, but when I step back and watch my thoughts, I see patterns like, Thought, Reaction, Feeling (bad feelings, and panic attacks sometimes follow).

Learning this skill, watching my thoughts, has helped me to identify the source of anxiety and helped to break out of the useless painful self critical thought patterns my mind inflicts on myself.

take care

SM