At the end of the rope with anxiety, alcohol, and depression.

[modestaustin811]

I don't know where to start with this and I'm really exhausted so my thoughts may be scattered. If you take the time to read this then thank you. I don't expect any replies but some advice, and wisdom would be much appreciated.

I don't know if I can really categorize myself as an alcoholic, in some senses I can. The thought of being without alcohol scares me, intimidates me and makes me depressed; thats me being honest. I don't drink every day, mostly I just binge on the weekends, I drink excessively to the point of getting black out drunk. I've been putting myself and other people in danger because after the bar I'll drive myself home, very stupid I know, but thats the truth. I drive severely inebriated pretty much every weekend. I don't take the highway, or go very fast during these times, but I still make a selfish decision and do this.

I'm 22 years old, male, and I have an anxiety disorder. It can be crippling at times, I'm not taking any medication. I have Generalized Anxiety disorder and also I suffer from Hypochondria. I can't control my worrying at times, and I think I'm suffering from some deep depression. Lately after a night of heavy drinking, the next day I suffer intense anxiety, panic, I get light headed, my chest feels tight, my blood pressure increases dramatically, I have to fight with myself pretty much every sunday to not call an ambulance. These feelings have been going on for I guess about 6 months now and they're only getting worse. I'm concerned about what these days do to my body. My blood pressure gets dangerously, not only because of the effects of the hangover, but because I'm panicing. I once took it while freaking out and I t was 210 / 120. Normally my blood pressure when sober for a couple days is 120/70, pretty much perfect.

I want to quit drinking because the thought of dying young scares me, but the thought of a life without alcohol also scares me. I'm in my early twenties. Almost everyone I know drinks, thats what we do on the weekends. Its what I work towards during the week. I get excited about having some beers with my friends or going to the local bar. I'm single and I don't know how to meet women without alcohol, people think I'm a really outgoing person, but the truth is unless i'm extremely comfortable with you I can't even look people in the eye. I have social anxiety as well I guess, I don't want to be considered boring. I don't want someone to meet me and think I'm boring because I don't go out, drink and have fun.

I'm beginning to see how much alcohol effects my life, its the good things in my life and the bad things in my life all wrapped in to one. Without I don't know what life will be like. I'm scared, I'm depressed and I'm worried about the future. I don't know what to do. Any help would be much appreciated.

Thank you for reading, I know it got kind of long there.

[kconnors]

Hiya,

It doesn't matter how long your posting is, just so long as you post . . . there is nothing that I can tell you that you have not already told yourself and written in your post . . . you are a binge alcoholic . . . I have been personally and professionally with a sufficient number of binge alcoholics to recognize the symptoms . . . .on the good side, though, is that you know that at 22, binge drinking is having a powerful impact on you . . . and unless you are out pushing your car home after a night of binge drinking, then you are putting over people's lives in danger . . . .your peer group is a very dangerous social group for you at this point in time as you go with the flow and you fear having to give them up. Would these folks still be your friends if you decided not to drink with them or if you asked them to become involved in an activity that did not include drinking? Alcohol for some folks has a substantial impact on brain chemistry. Coupled with pre-existing triggers for anxiety and depression, well, you are inviting anxiety brain to take over and take you on a rollercoaster of a ride. I guess that I see your choices as being dead drunk (and I do use the word "dead" on purpose) and momentarily entertaining to other people or alive and sober and being boring but being in control of your life so you can make it what it is.

When I was in my 20s, everyone I knew drank also and drank to excess . . . . then one day I wondered why because it only made me feel good for a couple of hours and then pretty pathetic for several days . . . . I figured it was a way to get over being shy and a way to meet people but the people whom I was meeting were only interested in the drunk me and not the sober me . . . I guess from that point I began to look at why I drank and what I could do about it. Since I only drank on Friday and Saturday nights, I started by declaring Friday and Saturday nights off limits. I stayed at home, did a whole bunch of things (had a very clean apartment from cleaning so much), put the equivalent money in a jar (you can't believe how much money you save), and started looking at my anxiety and depression rather than covering them up with alcohol. Won't lie to you . . . it's an ugly journey but I had to start some place . . . I lost so called friends, but I made new ones; I had many temptations from people to return to the fun times and I gave them a choice . . . if they wanted to spend time with me, we did it in non-alcohol based activities . . . .I started to exchange sitting in bars for going for walks and cooking good food rather than gorging on fast foods . . . .it took a long time before the process became a habit . . . I have had relatives who are/were "closet" drinkers (i.e. they only have 3 or 4 drinks each night after work to calm them down) and they tried to make fun of me to get me to drink and I have had friends who accused me of thinking that I was better than they were because I wouldn't get drunk with them . . . I guess what kept me doing what I did was because I realized it was what I wanted and not what anyone else wanted.

No one knows what type of hand life will deal you . . . you need to manage what you can manage so you have a strong sense of who you are and not what others feel you should be. And, you are right . . . alcohol does mesh the good with the bad which is why alcohol, when uncontrolled, is lethal for many people. If you want my advice, let it be this:  you are young and probably in good physical health; you seem to be very smart and insightful; and you appear to be ready to change your life. What I would suggest is some guidance . . . be that Alcoholics Anonymous or individual counselling or both, invest in yourself . . .. find ways to manage your anxiety and depression and be prepared for a bit of a hard process but one that will be well worth it . . . .you do not want to end up with a suspended license or worse with a record for vehicular manslaughter and you certainly do not want to waste what I sense is great potential for a very happy and productive life . . .\

Take your own challenge . . . .you are not boring and trust me, as you recovery your mental health balance, you will see that there are many ways to be interesting to people that do not involve alcohol, just you as a person .. . . . you certainly aren't boring, so commit to doing something for you . .. . please let us know how you are doing . . . . and write as much as you want because your experiences are not boring to us . ..  you have shared a part of you and we do appreciate that trust .. . . take care, kc