I feel like I'm going insane... please help.

[T. Jayne]

I'm here because for one I have social anxiety disorder (constant stomach ache from stress, panic attacks, the whole shi-bang), but sometimes I feel... insane. It's hard to explain, but for example, one night I was just lying in bed trying to fall asleep, when this feeling just came over me and I just wanted to... I felt like I was going to explode! I can't even explain it but it was this jittery expectation, i wanted to lash out, to hit something, to just get rid of that energy inside. I never felt that way before, but it was just... intense. And then today, and other times, i get so worked up about nothing, like i created a document on word for school (I'm 16 turning 17, final year of high school) and i couldn't figure out how to divide the page into sections, so i flipped out and yelled at my computer. It might not sound like much, but i'm not usually an aggressive person; that stuff doesn't usually make me angry like that. It's kinda scary, i felt so violent.

And sometimes, i'll just be sitting there, and I think... "Why the eff am I even here? Life is nothing but chemicals, reacting with each other, it doesn't mean anything". I'm not suicidal, I would never do that to the people in my life, my family, but still... I think "what if i were to fade away, just disappear into nothing. How nice would that be?" I feel so EMPTY! There's nothing holding me here, maybe i could be happy if my effing anxiety didn't stop me from making friends. I mean, I have one best friend at school, she knows about my issues and is cool with it, but she could never TRULY get what it feels like. None of them could, simple fact. If not for my mum (she's been through some 0103), i genuinely think i would, oh i don't know, overdose on sleeping pills or something. I'm not... depressed per ce, at least i don't think so. I don't WANT to die, it's not nearly as dramatic as that. I just think, what's the point of staying? Why should I wait 80 more years before i die when i could save myself the time? I'm so... calm about the idea, like it's just something i could do so casually one day. I wont. But isn't it weird that i COULD?

Why do i feel this way? Some people think there's a REASON, like we have some PURPOSE for being here. We don't. We're just chemicals. I envy them, i wish i could make a reason. I want to be normal. A kid shouldn't feel so empty, shouldn't be so aware of the world. i AM just a kid, and i want to feel like one. My mum knows a therapist, i really want to talk to them, but i have school to worry about. I want them to just drug me up so i can feel less on edge every day.

Do any of you know what i mean? I feel like no one could ever understand but it would be selfish and stupid to truly believe that. So can you tell me? That i'm not alone?

[SummerSiren]

  Have you tried jogging? or any kind of exercise I think would help a lot to get that frustration out, at least it helps me most times.

 I can completely relate to your second paragraph though! I mean I am definitely not depressed but I have these moments where I just feel bored- that's the best word I can come up with to describe it. I just feel bored with everything and wonder whats even the point of this? And then I would ponder the what ifs- what if I just ended it. Its terrifying that I would even think like that and I would constantly reassure myself that I would never do that- like you I could never do that to my family or friends. I think the most important thing to remember is that you wont always feel this way- you wont always feel this empty. Ok and I know this is really corny/cliche but life is full of surprises, some bad, but some really great- there will be moments when you're really happy and you think "ohmigod I cant believe I even thought like that!" Just remember you never know what great experiences could happen around the corner.
 Also, find something that you really love doing, like reading or running or video games etc just something you can escape to, I personally love drawing so whenever I feel that way or just when i'm down in general I pick up a pencil and put on some music and escape to my own little world. It helps a lot :)

[T. Jayne]

Thanks :) you know that's so funny, drawing is MY thing too. I pop in some headphones and get lost, just like you  Your post made me feel a bit better, sometimes I feel fine, but sometimes it just hits me hard. I broke down when I posted that, and it's nice to know others feel the same. It's kind of impossible for me to picture things ever really improving, but I'll try to keep an open mind 

[JulieChristine]

I think you are depressed. I think depression is less of a "I want to 0473" feeling and more of a "I don't want to die, but I don't see the point in living!" Believe me, I've been there and I know it sucks, one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced. When I get it I only feel it for maybe a few hours tops, so I can't imagine feeling it for any longer than that. I think therapy would do you good, and also just adding more things you enjoy to your schedule. Even if you can't find anything you'd enjoy (because it can be hard at times like this) just go out and do something! Even though you view everything as chemicals reacting just look at the fact that you happen to be those chemicals reacting! You're getting this experience and you can make a good time out of it! And believe me when I say, don't think what's going on with you is any less miserable because you know you won't kill yourself. You should be excited to live each and every day (even if you have little bouts of the blues, it comes up some times) You are NOT insane, and there is a way back to being happy. You will get there, I promise! Just don't feed those negative (or sometimes neutral) thoughts! Think positive and be happy for every minute that you get to be a chemical reacting here!

[Toadstoole]

I feel that way at least twice a day....but I am taking meds now. Maybe you should check that out.
As far as our existence here ...kinda crazy ,but I think we that are here and half been through some heavy 0103. We are going to assist in the end of times. Crazy I know. In other words leave the strong one here. I have tried 0119 many times and should have perished. That was over 20 years ago so I don't have those thoughts anymore. There has to be more out there and if its not killing you, it's making you stronger. So put the 0119 out of your brain! You are here for a purpose that you may not have discover yet. Get something to help you with your anxiety. Your parents need to know and maybe they can help you. GoodLuck toad

[Cilantro]

The teenage years can be extremely stressful, and it's not like that pent-up energy just disappears when you're not focusing on it. I get where you're coming from, especially factoring in anxiety.

How many hobbies do you have and do you have any plans for them? It's not friends or an anxiety cure, but it's something that's uniquely yours and the result of your efforts that you can hold onto when it feels like you have nothing good, you don't have a safe place, or there's nothing to look forward to. It's a start, and that's the first step on any journey. If I have nothing else, I will always have my writing, both my pride in it and any solace in the world I can create through it.

I used to feel like there was no meaning to life, too, but I overcame that. I wish I could say more, but I think it's a reality and a state of mind that we need to create in and around ourselves for ourselves. Just like describing your anxiety won't necessarily make someone else feel it and understand it like you do, describing my closure won't necessarily make you feel it or understand it the way I do. Just know that as you continue to experience life, you'll encounter new ways of thinking and being that might give you just what you need.

[WamBam]

don't give up. You have to keep fighting.
It gets better.

[MrUNOwen]

Depression and anxiety suck. Especially when you're a teenager and you still aren't exactly at the place you want to be.

[retrogurl88]

T. Jayne-

I felt exactly the same way between the ages of 12 and 14 and around the same time had a few breakdowns.  Fast forward to the present I'm 25, but I see a therapist, take meds and have a life.  Sure I still struggle with some phobias, some depression and my anxiety, since it is chronic in my family; however, I have learned to accept it as a part of me but it doesn't have to define me.  Definitely start by talking to a therapist, I won't lie and tell you it was easy getting to where I am because it wasn't, but I made it out the other side and I know you can too.  I suffered through some intense depression episodes where I just wanted to give up and die, but I didn't...  Pardon me for sounding cliche but it will get better, if you seek treatment.  It is ok to admit you need help, everyone mental illness or not needs a support network because man cannot stand alone.  But know this, you are never alone I have been there and countless other people on this website and throughout the world are there now or have been down the same path.

I hope each day gets a little better for you and everyone, 

~RG88

[erolsipar]

You're not alone, I go through anxiety everyday and it hurts a lot, especially being with people when I'm outside or public. I have more problems than most people on this forum as I'm afraid to get a job and also afraid to go back to school and I'm 21. People like us have to go through it everyday even those who use medication still struggle as I do and know some people do too. I hope and wish that everyone who suffers mental illness can get better.
Good luck and you are not alone.