I myself went through this 2 years ago when my anxiety first raised it's ugly head. A very, very, very dear friend of mine who was an older woman and I would often call her momma died a few days before my birthday, when I got the message through email I just broke down while I was at the hospital with my boyfriend. At that time I constantly, constantly thought about death and dying and much as I loved that woman I couldn't pull myself together enough to do it because I was afraid of walking out myself cause the pressure would be to much to deal with.
My BFF who's dad died that was just like a dad to me, I did pull it together long enough to go, if I had not gone she would not have not understand because I hadn't really expressed what I was going through to her. So don't feel bad about how you feel it's completely normal for folks like us, we fear death and in that fear we don't want to be anywhere around it.