Well I've been hanging in there. I have been able to keep very busy lately which helps with the anxiety but it is still there. I don't have any major freak out sessions but I have an underlying dread of a lot of things. Here are some examples of what I have been doing lately:
- worrying about the future and getting some type of cancer
- worrying about my age. I'm 27 and I'm terrified of aging, I see a picture of a pretty woman and I absolutely have to find out what years the tv show or whateveraired and how old the actress would be at that time (is there a name for this? I've seen others on the forum describe it) or see a picture in a magazine and have to look up her age
- worrying about how much them I have left (analyzing how many years I have until I get to that age of a patient I have at work
- worrying about my parents getting older (they are 58 and 59) and fearing for their health even though they are fine right now
-seeing my mom as she has a lot of wrinkles for her age (never wore sunscreen) it makes her look older than she is
- worrying about the same aging thing but with my parents
- worrying about how fast time flies. For some reason I have been very attuned to passing time (is this bc I am nearing 30? i feel like i have been shocked into not having a lot of time when just a few years ago i thought i had ages and this never crossed my mind) it is really freaking me out :/ suddenly I feel old and not young anymore
With these worries at the back of my mind, I wonder if I am becoming depressed... I do have a happy life. I have 3 jobs to keep me busy and a wonderful boyfriend who I know I'll have a future with. It is all these worries that prevent me from feeling happy at my full potential. I hate my thoughts, and I don't know how to change them. I am wondering if these thoughts are sending me into a depression. I was taking buspar for awhile and I am wondering if I should go back on it now. Ugh.... I wish there was an on and off switch. I don't know what my problem is with aging.
Not sure what I need but I am venting and/or would love some advice on how to deal with this. I wish I had health insurance so I could see a therapist. It might be possible this fall when I start nursing school and if the university provides them.