Giving up on everything, don't wan't to get better

[Georgewhitman123]

I didn't know where exactly to post this in, but I figured it would best fit in the depression forum. My story is long but I'll try to make it short. You'll have to read this fully to understand where I'm coming from... It all started in July.... in mid july I would say one of those days were the worst days of my life. I was convinced I had MS, I had a mental breakdown... I still think I do because idk what else it is. I usually get over my health obsessions quickly (I have OCD) .. It usually takes a bit and they don't change my life... This MS fear has changed my life drastically, I don't see myself ever getting better. I see the next couple of years to be even more miserable because I've tried everything. I've been to the neurologist already, I've gotten an MRI (which came out clear) tons of blood tests, just so many tests... They all came out normal. Yes, a clear MRI is good, but I've heard of so many people with MS who had clear MRI's. I didn't want to post this in the health forum though, this fits in the depression forum and I'll tell you why. I was never diagnosed with hypochondria, I mean YES, I have OCD and often obsess over health issues, but it was never severe to the point like this. Deep down I KNOW there must be something wrong with me, because no matter how many people say it's my anxiety, I know that I've never experienced something like this. How could my anxiety cause muscle cramps, night time weird dizzy jolting, prickling/itchiness stabbing pains, legs that get extremely tired like I've ran a mile, etc..  I'm just so hopeless and stressed out. I am so angry that these symptoms just don't go away, I don't think they ever will. I've turned into an angry bitter person. I'm being completely honest when I say I hate my life. I hate it so much. I am such an angry negative person now. All because I was chosen to go through this at such a young age. My friends are all out enjoying their lives while I'm still here in limbo trying to figure out why the hell my legs cramp, my arms and legs get so worn out for no reason, I have so many symptoms I can go on all day. My anger is through the roof lately. My mom annoys the hell out of me when she visits. I'll admit she's crazy in my eyes. She's so selfish, everyone around me is messed. I see the world differently now. I'd do so much just to live by myself. I'm only 19 and I don't do anything. Friends always ask me "Hahaha, why dont you get a job?" I almost tear up because I wan't to tell them the truth and when I think about the truth it upsets me, that my life is consumed by some mystery disease I wish I knew about and that I am near no healthy state of mind to take on a job, but I just act cool and tell them I'm lazy. I'll be honest tho, my symptoms aren't major, I can still move around fine, and function. I am capable of working a job if I really wanted to, at least I think so. But I say to myself all the time, why can't these symptoms just go away? Any doctor would tell you that experiencing symptoms such as mine shouldn't be taken lightly. So then why should I? Why should I just forget about it? I wan't to , trust me... But I can't.. I try to convince myself that I don't have MS, but I literally can't... According to what I've read you can never prove that you don't have it.. Even with an MRI... Anyways, If any of you are wondering how my symptoms come on (keep in mind they aren't severe) here's an example, For a week or 2 the leg cramps will be worse, but then another week the itching prickling will be worse, one week I'll feel better overall but I'll still feel stuff from time to time, it's all random.. I noticed a cycle to it. Usually in the morning its eh, as the day goes on I feel alright, but then around the evening things start to get worse... The worse part of the day for me is usually around dinner time (I'm anxious that time I'll admit) My symptoms seem to bother me the worst there but it's more of just an overall feeling of crap... I can't explain it, as the night goes on things start to get better and I end up staying up all night because I don't want to go back to sleep because I feel better... Then at 6-7 am I get the itching prickling, hot/cold sensations, and it get's really annoying. I also wanted to mention I have muscle twitching all over my body, I even feel it on my tongue and hands... It's weird. Anyways here's a list of my symptoms in case anyone was wondering

-Muscle twitching all over
-Muscle cramps in legs and arms get a cramped tired feeling at times
-Itching, prickly, burning sensations
-Strange warm sensations a lot of the time on top of the feet
-Tired out legs just from going up and down the stairs
-When I get up out of bed in the morning the soles of my feet tingle the first few steps I take for some reason, It also happens when I get out of my chair
-I feel like I can't talk well sometimes, and I'll say words wrong a lot of the time, I catch myself when I do though and correct myself.
To note: Those are pretty much all of my symptoms, there are probably more, I just can't think of them right now since they're are so many. These symptoms are always there pretty much, but like I said, they come at different parts of the day, like it's a cycle, it's strange.. I know that when I stay up all night that in the morning my prickling, warm sensations will be worse. I don't really seem to be heat sensitive I dont think, so that's good. I also don't really get numb either.. Anyways I've been experiencing all this for over 8 months now... and some symptoms have changed over time and it's all just strange... I'm sorry for such a long post, I'm just trying to explain myself, It has a lot of information. If you read the whole thing I really appreciate it, I just don't know what to do anymore, I wan't to get better, yet I don't. I feel like there's nothing out there that can help me... All I do is sit home all day, nothing else.. my life is meaningless..

[Atlas]

I think the first question you need to answer to yourself is why don't you want to get better? What's the underlying reason to want to feel this bad & be this angry about? There has to be some answers there.
I can only comment on the muscle twitching. If you're not sleeping 0213 night your body isn't getting a chance to rest. Muscle ticks will occur due to lack of sleep.  Even your eyelids will develop ticks from no rest.  Can you establish a night time routine to get your body & brain ready to sleep?  Do some relaxation techniques like a full body scan. Should be info on the web about it.  Lack of sleep can throw your whole body off.  See if you can get some deserved rest. Good luck!

[For_the_horde]

You are in such a low mood that it is making you physically sick, I'm going through it too,
I have most of the symptoms you described. I spend most of my time at home with no real direction, all of my friends left me. My girl left me without saying why. Now I just sit at the computer all day and play video
Games. I worry about illness and conditions every day. It never stops. The only break I get is when I put my feet up And use the relaxation app on my iPhone. My dad is crazy and throws things around the house making huge booming noises whenever he can. We will find a way, man.  I'm sure of it.