I have social anxiety (and possibly ocd from what ive been reading). I just feel so different to everyone else and that i constantly need to figure things out. its almost like im confused about life and why people behave the way they do. For eg. if a new person started at work, the staff would automatically start to talk about them and ask each other what they think of the new person (i dont understand this behaviour), i also dont understand why people gossip and run someone down then the person enters the room and they act like they really like the person. Everyone i work with does this sort of thing, so i get that im the odd one, but this type of behaviour makes me feel really stressed if i engage in it.
Most of my problems started after starting work, i always feel like im doing well and doing a good job, but then other people would talk about me or complain about me and i just couldnt figure out why. ive kinda just came to the conclusion now that ppl are generally not nice, some are but most arent. it doesnt make them bad people, it just means theyre probably having a bad day, or have got issues of theyre own to sort out, i can cope with that. I find it difficult to figure out other people, i am a very poor judge of character. I also find it difficult to defend myself if i get accused of something i havent done, i have real problems understanding whats being said and how i should respond.
I always feel that people dont like me no matter what i do and constantly seek reassurance in my mind. I also have intrusive thoughts and have done for about 7 years, i have never spoken to anyone about it and have only recently read about intrusive thoughts, ive read on the forums that everyone has intrusive thoughts, but its basically how you react to them that is the problem. That may be true but i didnt have them before i was 30? or maybe i did and just didnt take any notice, itd be more accurate to say i dont remember having them before.
My main problem at the moment is that i feel like i cant do anything properly and im finding it difficult to explain to people what i mean. Things just come out wrong, then i worry about what ive said and what people will think (this is only happening at work). Im finding it very difficult to stay in work and at least 5 times a day i want to call my manager and resign.
I have a job interview on Tuesday for a permanent position (i work sessional at the moment), i think this is causing me major anxiety and that maybe i feel like i want to resign because its a way of avoiding this interview. Anyway i just keep telling myself that i need to stick at it and go through with the interview.