UGH! advice?? **WARNING: LONG**

[lanayru]

My boyfriend of 1 year and 11 mo. live together and after moving in, we had a pretty much
smooth life together. He knew about my anxiety when we moved in, but because of the stress
of the move, my anxiety got worse.

We had trouble (arguments, mainly) coping with my issues (insecurities heightened by anxiety) and we argued
about a situation that happened (twice actually) before (him messaging other girls then trying to
leave me because he "couldn't handle it".

Then another argument happened because of me (this time it was all my fault) and he tried to
leave me (again because of "pressure"). We eventually worked it out (compromises) and well here
we are. He apologized for everything and he says he want to be with me forever and one day (we both agreed
not any time soon lol) we would start a family together.

He started work a few weeks back (as a pizza maker-3 hours the most) on weekends and
he goes to community college on weekdays (usually for 3-4 hours the most). It's been really good (psychologically
for me- anxiety comes and goes, and sexually for both of us) and we haven't had an arguments since January!

Whenever he can he tries to spend time with me and I let him play his computer games as long as he wants, I have no problem with
him talking to other girls (as long as it's JUST talking) or guys, I even tell him to get out more (he refuses though).
I cook and clean and he studies and works and we talk about things when I'm not feeling well (anxiety).
He's very supportive and kind- he's never hurt me (physically) in any way on purpose.

From all of my old relationships (cheaters, liars- hurtful people) he is absolutely the best.

The only problem? Me. When I feel good- I feel wonderful! But then I start worrying and over thinking.

He forgets to message me sometimes, or he comes home later than usual and it freaks me out. It's either he's "cheating again" or "he's hurt".

My head can't give it a rest! I see that he has girl buddies on his computer games, but whenever I ask if he's going to hurt me again he says no, that he loves me. My insecurities are seriously hurting our relationship, but idk how to make them stop permanently!

So far, keeping my mind off things helps (naps, drawing, etc.) but I can't seem to keep it up for the whole day...

a few days ago, he came home and I checked his phone like usual (I use it to contact my mom and
she usually texts when he comes home), but once I unlocked it, the internet tab pulled up showing his ex's 0401 page.

Now rewind as to why this bothers me so much- the first few months we were together, WE
promised we wouldn't contact our exes.
A few weeks after that promise- you guessed it- he had been messaging her and he didn't
seem to excited when she mentioned our relationship and she seemed thrilled by it. -_-

We fought of course and he apologized profusely. Time went on and he never messaged her again.

Now back to the phone- I saw it and my heart instantly SUNK. All the happiness I had and the trust I
had worked so hard to gain back fell apart almost instantly. I showed him the tab and his face changed from
a happy smile to a horribly worried face.

He stuttered for a minute and I just set his phone down and started tearing up. I went to
calm myself down and we sat down and talked.

He explained everything that happened and apologized for making me worry. Apparently he had been
thinking about his future and thinking about changing majors, and then she came up into his mind, he started
thinking about talking to her again but then thought about how it would make me feel. He decided not to do
anything stupid and came home from work.

We made up and he treated me to dinner as a make up gift (I refused but he took me anyway).

Even though I know why he did it and that it's not a big deal because he does so much for me-
I can't help but worry that he's going to find someone better than me, better looking, better attitude, no
problems/baggage, same interests, etc.

I always find myself asking him if he's okay or if he still loves me.

He always answers with "yes, honey. I love you"-and such, but I still worry.

What can I do to trust him more? Why can't I find myself thinking positive things instead?

Is this anything to worry about?

Also..is it normal for guys to not want sex a lot? Idk... before we moved in he would want to do things a lot, but now
we wait at least 3 days in between because he says he doesn't want to base our relationship on that. Also...
he hates porn (like literally can't watch it- we've tried and he just hates it).


idk..lmao am I being silly?

BTW- we got together in high school (back when we were 16? I'm 19 he's 18- 19 in a month). :I idk- please don't judge saying that we're too young for love or whatever- my grandparents met each other in middle school and are still in love.

Thank you all in advance!

[Cuchculan]

Lot going on here. But mainly trust issues. You have had a few bad relationships. Then you meet this bloke who seems great for you. But like everyone else he has his quirks too. I personally don't think there is such thing as the perfect person. We all have things we do that others may not like. But once in a relationship it is like a contract of sorts. You sit down and you work out what goes and what doesn't go. So you both know the limits. Fair to say he stepped outside those limits by checking up on his ex. That was part of your agreement. That both of you would have no contact with ex partners. More a case of how much do you trust him? A relationship without trust is not a relationship at all. It will always have arguements. If it means sitting down again and drawing out the limits once more, then do that. But make it very clear that you can't put up with him having any contact with his ex at all. It makes you feel bad. Your self esteem takes a blow because of it. You begin to think he might leave you. These are things he needs to hear from you. So he understands what he is doing by doing what he does.

As for the sex side of things. People have different sex drives. Some can be higher than others. Your may be a high sex drive. His may be a lower sex drive. There may be a middle road. As there is more to sex that full on sex. Maybe you can find other ways he can make you happy in the bedroom that doesn't involve full on sex. Never know it may give him ideas and make things even better. Plus it doesn't always have to be at night in the bedroom. You can mix it up a bit.

Just try and remain positive. Wish you both the best of luck.