I don't suffer from anxiety regularly. To those of you that do, you are forever in my prayers. Anxiety is the worst feeling ever.
My anxiety is usually triggered by something. Right now? It's the uncertainty of upcoming changes.
Basically, if you don't mind me sharing some of my personal business with you, I'm moving. I've been living with my mom for the last couple of years. Well, there was that 6-month period where I lived on my own until a severe bout of anxiety (triggered by my phobia of spiders) sent me running back home. Yes, I totally succumbed. Now I fear moving out on my own again 'cause who will kill the bugs???
Anyway, my parents (no longer married) are struggling financially. And both are looking for other options. They've both offered me a place to live, but I worry about both options. I was also talking to my best friend (a guy) about getting an apartment together. He's totally down, so that's another option. And, of course, I could always rent a room somewhere, but the I think being on Craigslist and the idea of living with strangers is what really got the anxiety in an uproar this go 'round.
I can't get rid of this pit in my stomach. I fear making a wrong decision and ruining my whole life. Rational me can say, dude, chill. You're lucky, blessed!, to have options and people who love you that want to live with you. And more than that, as soon as I'm settled I know the anxiety will pass. I know it's just the uncertainty, the unknown, the waiting for what might happen that's making me crazy.
But it sure is hard to see clearly.
I'm so overwhelmed with fear that I'll do the wrong thing. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish none of us felt this way.
It's only been a week or so that I've been struggling with this severe anxiety, but it feels like it'll never be okay again.
I think today is an especially bad day. And depression may be setting in. All I want to do is cry. (My introduction post was so much more clever than this one. Sigh.)
It's horrible how the fears feed on each other and spiral out of control. How worrying about not wanting to live somewhere leads to what if I'm never able to live on my own AND NO ONE WILL EVER WANT ME?
Do you mind if I ramble a bit about my friend Jason?
He's my best friend for nearly ten years now. He's the one who wants to get an apartment with me. But the problem is... we crossed a line and did "it" over a year ago. And we've been doing "it" on and off since then. Way over the line. (Sorry for the TMI.)
We've never talked about being more than friends. We're just friends with benefits, I guess. And spend most of our time together.
It hasn't been easy living with my mom, so I often escape to Jason's and spend the night there.
And the kicker? We cuddle.
I've questioned myself before about what I want, if anything more, from him. And I thought that as much as I love him, he's my BFF!, I don't believe we're compatible long-term.
Then, last night, we were talking about moving in together and he said that we'd have to stop fooling around, 'cause that'd just be weird.
And it was like someone drop-kicked me in the heart.
I don't know what's real. I don't know if the anxiety is just making me crazy and irrational and afraid of losing him... or if I really do want more, but my mess of a marriage left me, well, a mess and I'm missing out on a great relationship by not making the attempt.
I was separated from my husband for a year when we decided to try and work things out. But as soon as I moved back in, I had the worst anxiety ever. I moved back out again and now we're divorced. I've always looked back on that as a sign that us trying to work things out was a mistake. And I don't regret getting the divorce.
Is the anxiety now a sign that I'm not meant to move in with Jason?
Or is it a sign that I'm not meant to move in with my family? Am I using my family as a crutch?
I know I'm rambling about what might not seem at all related to the forum, but the anxiety... my God the anxiety. And sometimes you just need to expel the ridiculous, irrational thoughts that plague you at a time like this.
And I know I'll be fine. Either way, I'll be fine. But I just can't see it. And in the mean time, I'm faced with this decision. And I don't know what to do or what's right. And I just want to feel normal. And I don't want to ruin my entire life!
I realize that by his very comments last night, he may not even want more than bonus benefits... but his actions speak very differently. Maybe I'm being a stupid girl and reading too much into it, but... who knows? As a woman who, by very definition, is an emotional nutcase (sorry ladies, that was a joke), I should have never crossed that line with him. Maybe for this very reason us moving in together is a mistake. Because my emotions are all involved and making a mess of everything, obvi.
I can't wait to feel normal again.
Thanks for letting me purge.