Put the fear into me

[hamsterswheel]

I went to gp today after a night of constantly dreaming about ca.

I got her to check the lump at collarbone. It's been there over a year. No change. She diagnosed it then as a fatty cyst and not a lymph node. Another gp said same. I also go a breast specialist to look at it who specialises in nodes in that area. He also said no node.

Anyway you would think that would reassure me and it did for a year.

So today he diagnosed it as the same thing. I asked how certain she was. She said she was sure but that the only way to give me the the 100% certainty that I want is to image it. She said it will allowed me to stop coming back to it but said she wants to make it clear it's for reassurance for me and not because she thinks it's is needed.

So I've agreed to it but now I'm goin to worry myself senseless about the 'what if' results. I also agree with what she I saying in terms of putting an end to it, but I also know I will find something else to worry about. Then on the slight chance too I feel sick incase the 3 doctors are wrong???

[sixpack]

So I've agreed to it but now I'm goin to worry myself senseless about the 'what if' results. I also agree with what she I saying in terms of putting an end to it, but I also know I will find something else to worry about. Then on the slight chance too I feel sick incase the 3 doctors are wrong???

that is the thing with those danged doctors........  they tell us several times X isn't the sinister thing we allow our BEAStIES to tell us they are.  We still don't relent in our need to have the docs' professional opinions--knowing they've seen the good, the bad and the ugly.   then they offer THE test to prove, without a shadow of a doubt, to reassure, that our fears are unfounded.  the docs TELL us it is for our reassurance.

we may feel good about that for a nano-second.  then we start the second guessing, the "what ifing".  We know that the test won't work.  we know we'll just move onto the next fear...     

Yep this is the exact thing that anxious over thinking  does to us when left to its own devices.   we chase the irrational fears, seek continual reassurance, get THE ultimate reassurance we so desparately want----------and it doesn't work.

I look at it like this:   if I have leaky pipes in my bathroom, I don't call the electrician to fix it.   

[hamsterswheel]

Very, very true Sixpack. And if I'm honest part of me is p**sed at myself for letting this lying beast run rampant in my head and for me falling into going for a test. I maintain that I only ever go for tests if the doc feel it is needed medically because he/she isn't sure. I've had my fingers burned in the past with seemingly straightforward tests leading to incidental finding, causing me more anxiety. Or like we have recognised, that even if this s fine, there are still a myriad of other things freaking me out!!!

But now I've said I will go, the beast is whispering, putting fear into me if I go and putting fear into me if I decide not to go!!!

Like the analogy about leaking pipes. Very true.

[hamsterswheel]

Oh god

I've been looking up fatty cysts at collarbone and one woman doc said lipoma. She had, had breast c so doc sent her for imaging. Confirmed lipoma, but also found swollen nodes and she was diagnosed with lymphoma.

I'm really scared now.

[hamsterswheel]

Please help me

[sixpack]

you are really scared NOW because you opted to google.

[hypomom]

Why are you "looking up" this? You know it will send you into a spiral. Only YOU can stop this. You've had lots of reassurance so now you'll have a useless test and you'll be ok for a while and then you'll convience yourself THIS test missed something.

[SighNoMore]

Hamsterwheel, there is always, always going to be an exception to the rule. Google is never going to do you a bit of good, ever. The more you search out the more likely you will find the scary results.

Google doesn't know that you have had several doctors tell you that you are fine. Google doesn't know the exact shape, size, and feel of the fatty cyst. Google responds to words, nothing more.

There are all sorts if horror stories, but rarely do you find the happy endings. You must remember that when you search. The Internet and media focus on the extreme, scary stories. When was the last time you read a message board that everyone was saying today I didn't have lymphoma! Today I didn't have random turtle fever!!

You never read those things. If you insist on Googling you are going to make yourself sick.

[hamsterswheel]

I don't know why I did it. I was obsessive and I know I will never get good results.

I just wanted complete reassurance. I know even writing it its silly to even think that is possible from the Internet. It's not an excuse but I'm 37 weeks pregnant and as they say are going on the more frantic my health anxiety is becoming. I already have one child.

I'm convinced that this time I will get bad news. I'm going over all the 'symptoms' I have on the left side and adding it all up. I sometimes have a stuff neck on the left. I obv have this fatty cyst, or in my mind node at collarbone. I feel nodes under my jaw, albeit tiny and been there since I first looked for them 2.5 year ago. I've got a left ear infection at the moment. I've had the flu plus 3 cold viruses since jan 2012. (last two have been since been pregnant).

My brain is telling me all this can't be coincidence.....

[sixpack]

My brain is telling me all this can't be coincidence.....

your brain (the obsessive anxious part) is lying to you.  what it tells you is unreliable.


would you listen to the bully down the street?  you know better.

[hamsterswheel]

But Sixpack

How can I be sure it is lying to me? Why can something that has kept me right (instinct) in so many areas of my life since I was a child, fail me regardingy health? I'm petrified I am goin to leave my babies without a mum.

[Allochka]

Your instinct, probably, won't fail you regarding anything. But you must understand that this is NOT your instinct talking. This is your anxiety talking! And your instinct is saying "don't Google, don't check that lump again" . But you are not listening to your instinct at all now

[trainwreck]

But Sixpack

How can I be sure it is lying to me? Why can something that has kept me right (instinct) in so many areas of my life since I was a child, fail me regardingy health? I'm petrified I am goin to leave my babies without a mum.

Your instinct did not fail you.  You found something that could be a hazard and had it checked out. It wasn't a danger and your instinct served you well. 

Here is my view of what happened.  You doc became a bit frustrated because you were not hearing WORDS.  So she decided the only way to get you to not come back (her words) was to show you a PICTURE. 

To be honest, I think your doc was in a no win situation.  She has told you a couple of times that it was nothing and did not know how to convince you otherwise. 

Had she said that "I am so certain that it is nothing, I am not doing anything else", you still would have Googled and you would be back in her office for imaging. 

Don't read into your doc's reaction.  She was reacting to you.  Does that make sense?

[sixpack]

unfortunately our instincts, when one lives anxiously like we all do here,  are highly influenced by our anxious over thinking.     Our instincts are being corrupted by our BEASTIES

[vardnas]

hammy, I'm really sorry to see you on here again after being away for so long.

Is there anything, other than your pregnancy, going on right now that would cause you to be more anxious? How is your anxiety treatment going?

Also, please clarify—your sole reason for going to the doctor was because you DREAMED you had cancer?

I feel like you know these things already, that the absolute certainty we crave is not attainable, through googling or tests or reassurance, and that by entertaining this grasping need, you're only making things harder on yourself. You are creating your own world of worry by indulging this impossible need.

Let's work on figuring out what's driving this episode so you can get over it and move on.

[hamsterswheel]

Thanks guys. Feel like a right idiot. Need to get a grip.

Vardnas, I decided to come off my anxiety meds when I found out I was preg, despite my psychiatrist advising me the meds were fine. I wanted to do it without them, and have done well until last 2 months. Things slowly spiralling. I felt 'cured' between meds and challenging unhelpful thinking.

What iverealised time and time again that in order for me to be in a pace to rationalise, I eed to be stable on my meds.

No I never went because I dreamed it! I went because I was feel desperate for her to tell me my latest (although old) fixation was/is nothing. Im honestly in a crazyy, frantic place just now and I'm so disappointed in myself.

Nothing else going on, other than possibly sub conscious thoughts of having new baby. Although tbh I don't think it's that. Think I've just messed things up being off meds and trying to cope. I've messed with the serotonin levels which I've done in the past.