talking to people who dont understand

[vanilla1969]

Was talking to a friend today, told her about my panicked day and she told me if I don't stop I'm going to stroke out, geesh thanks alot.

[Smalm]

... I hate when people don't understand what your going through, my dad dosen't see my struggles with Hypochodria and what I irationally and not irrationally fear. I hope one day we all get better from this mental plauge. 

[sixpack]

I look at it from the other side...  especially after I had a child with severe anxiety and depression...  and the other side is much worse, btw---watching a person (family or friend) self-destruct like that--and me not able to do a hill of beans about  it.  So much harder than when I've gone through the irrational thinking.............   so I look at it from the other side----  why doesn't the HA or anxious person or depressed person understand that it their thinking that is running them into the ditch...  What can I say or do to fix it?   Of course, I do know that there isn't anything I can do or say to fix their issue.  It is up to THEM to do that.

[hamsterswheel]

I don't talk to anyone who doesnt understand, anymore. When I first started with ha i told my close friends. Although they wanted to be there for me, what I was telling them was completely freaking them out.

I have my mum and my husband. My mum suffers from general anxiety. I remember 10years plus ago I used to freak at the things she would worry about,I couldn't understand how we could believe the things that were 'going' to happen. Ofcourse none of them ever did. Then when I developed ha in my 30s my mum was my rock. She is patient with me and understands why I might think the way I do, even though she knows it's not the case. My poor husband doesn't really understand as he has not experienced anxiety, but like you have said sixpack, he has told me often how much it kills him to see the person he loves self destructing.

[vanilla1969]

Thanks you guys I just wished they could see its not easy as they think to NOT think this way.

[marc]

I say as little as possible to anyone, as most people could care less and have their own
problems to deal with. I will give you two examples of not showing any compassion. When my
mother passed away in September 2012, I did not return a phone call from a client of mine that
day. I saw him the next day and he asked me why I did not call him back. I said that my mother
passed awy yesterday and his response was; when will the work be completed. Around 11-12 years
ago I had a terrible virus and needed to be hospitalized as I dehydrated. I was supposed to drop off a
tax form to client of mine and called her t tell her what happened and why I would not be by that day. Her
response was, I hope you feel better and when will you be by to drop off the forms. Animals sometimes
have more compassion than some people, what a shame.

[hamsterswheel]

I know Vanilla. At times I feel desperate. This forum is great as at least we knw the others on here understand. And the crazy thing about ha s we can be rational and objective when advising others on their health fears!

Sometimes when I'm low I call an anxiety helpline, sometimes just talking things through helps x

[vanilla1969]

Anxiety helpline? Didn't know they had those.

[hamsterswheel]

Very true Marc. I found this many years ago. I used to coach and support people to change careers, increase their confidence etc, most of these people were at a pretty high level already. Through time I would get to hear about their families, their worries and just generally be supportive of them. During these relationships, it was professional and always about them. But over the years I became friendly with some of them to the extent they maybe knew a bit about my Hobbes, kids etc. The business eventually closed due to the wher being terminally ill(some of where my ha stems from), anyway when I used to meet for. Coffee r catch up, no longer in a professional capacity, these people still expected me to mentor/coach, listen all about them, and not ask or show interest in anything about me! They didn't want it to be 50:50. So I quickly realised I would keep in touch professionally but stopped meeting for friendly catch ups as they were not my friends. Lol

[vanilla1969]

I don't know maybe I'm going through this to help others in the future.emailed my bio mom (were not close) to see if this runs on her side of the family. At least I would feel somewhat better if it did, which I'm thinking it does cause my daughterin college started having panic attacks last year forr the first time and my baby girl worried about issues on her body like "why is my left ear bigger than my right"or when I press here its yada, yada, etc.

[hamsterswheel]

I live in the uk and they have them. The one I use is for people suffering anxiety, depression etc. the people on the phone are trained and many have gone through or supported someone personally on mental health issues. Is there nothing like that where you live?

[sixpack]

Thanks you guys I just wished they could see its not easy as they think to NOT think this way.

again---seeing it from the other side     they are wishing that we could see that it is US that needs to do the heavy lifting.  I think we, often, expect family and friends to say THE right piece of info, that we will be cured.  OR  some of us just want tea and sympathy.  I often think that what we anxious mean when we say our families don't understand is that they have stopped reassuring us endlessly.

I know I may sound like I'm saying that we don't need to be treated well or better said with compassion.  We do.  But if we only had family and friends who understood completely and allowed our thinking to run unhampered by encouraging some of our thinking, how would we get better?  The better thing for our family to do is say:   encourage counseling, exercising, hobbies, meditation, ...... Even then how long are they supposed to encourage the proactive habits before they throw up their hands? 

  no it isn't easy to work through the stuff.  BUT it doesn't get better if we don't change our habits and mindsets long term....

[vanilla1969]

We have the hotlines if you are thinking about killing yourself but I will have to search the internet and see.

[floridaguy65]

Thanks you guys I just wished they could see its not easy as they think to NOT think this way.

again---seeing it from the other side     they are wishing that we could see that it is US that needs to do the heavy lifting.  I think we, often, expect family and friends to say THE right piece of info, that we will be cured.  OR  some of us just want tea and sympathy.  I often think that what we anxious mean when we say our families don't understand is that they have stopped reassuring us endlessly.

I know I may sound like I'm saying that we don't need to be treated well or better said with compassion.  We do.  But if we only had family and friends who understood completely and allowed our thinking to run unhampered by encouraging some of our thinking, how would we get better?  The better thing for our family to do is say:   encourage counseling, exercising, hobbies, meditation, ...... Even then how long are they supposed to encourage the proactive habits before they throw up their hands? 

  no it isn't easy to work through the stuff.  BUT it doesn't get better if we don't change our habits and mindsets long term....

Fantabulous post, Six:)

One of the most critical aspects of getting some sort of firmer footing on a viable healing path for anxiety is learning that seeking out reassurances can come in may forms. And, understanding that continually seeking out reassurances is a powerful driver in keeping us from feeling that we can be the major definer of most of our, overall, well-being. Look, I know a lot of us are gonna look for reassurances, here and there....it is part of the 'anxiety disease'. But, that doesn't mean that we can't be cognizant of the need to try to reduce this reassurance seeking as much as possible. It is through seeing that we are still OK (alive and kickin' and, even, smiling too:), AFTER we have not sought out reassurances (eventhough we desperately wanted to!), that we can better begin building upon facing our challenges with more of our own resolve.

This is not meant to sound harsh. 'Getting better' from anxiety stuff is not really best served by hand holding, so to speak. Compassion - Yes. Unchallenged acceptance of continued falling back into bad habits and actions - NO. What I have found in my 27 years of being and anxiety peep, myself, and trying to help some others, here and there, is that when we are hyper and locked into a fear cycle (struggling) is that there is not a single reassurance that is likely to hit home - calm our fears - quell our doubts. The ultimate reassurance doesn't exist. So why seek it? Instead of asking for reassurances ask for some time - some space - some resources - some gentle support that will allow YOU the time - the space - the resources - the support that can provide YOU with the opportunity for self-help (exercises, techniques, therapies, good habits, education, etc).

I say as little as possible to anyone, as most people could care less and have their own
problems to deal with.

I am the same and I have found this to be more true than I would like:) But, ultimately, those peeps cannot help us so it isn't anything that we should really be that upset over. Mental health challenges are still 'looked down upon' by most. Feel no personal guilt over having anxiety disorder - is my feeling....that is if we are working on living well:) And, keep in mind that ALMOST ALL PEEPS have their own issues and their own problems and their own life challenges and their own insecurities and their own doubts and their own fears, etc. Be careful saying to ourselves, "I wish I could be like that person...they seem to be so carefree and loving life so much. I wish they knew what I went through getting through some of my days. Why can't I be like that?!" I know quite a few peeps, who don't have anxiety issues (as far as I know:) whose lives are filled with drama and angst and bitterness and jealousy and insecurity...and some happiness, too, I imagine. I wouldn't trade places with anyone really....well, maybe Derek Jeter (for a day or two:)

Peace and Feel Well:)

[ays1128]

I don't talk to anyone who doesnt understand, anymore. When I first started with ha i told my close friends. Although they wanted to be there for me, what I was telling them was completely freaking them out.

I have my mum and my husband. My mum suffers from general anxiety. I remember 10years plus ago I used to freak at the things she would worry about,I couldn't understand how we could believe the things that were 'going' to happen. Ofcourse none of them ever did. Then when I developed ha in my 30s my mum was my rock. She is patient with me and understands why I might think the way I do, even though she knows it's not the case. My poor husband doesn't really understand as he has not experienced anxiety, but like you have said sixpack, he has told me often how much it kills him to see the person he loves self destructing.

-Hamsterwheel - I am right there with your husband, as my wife suffers from HA. It is painful for me with the helplessness I feel - I don't know how to reassure her, I don't know how to reassure myself, and it is stressing me out.