Please read, I need some advice or else I might end up hurting myself;
So... I don't know how to start this. To say that I have disorganized thinking would be a ginormous understatement. It's like there's a constant white noise hanging above my head, obstructing any coherent and logical thought that passes through my mind. I have been diagnosed with Pure O Ocd last October 2012 and I braved the symptoms until now (with the help of Lexapro -miracle drug) I've since been off Lexapro cause my doc switched me to Olanzapine last January 20. It didn't have any effect whatsoever, be it positive or negative. I stopped it cold turkey 2 weeks ago. At first, I didn't feel any withdrawal symptoms. It amplified my SAD while I was on it (which I researched and found out that it was a paradoxical effect from the said medication) and I got through that with giving myself a pep talk and thinking logically however hard it may be. For the past 3 days, I'm riding through severe anxiety about one specific facet of my life: my wit and intelligence. It started when, out of sheer curiosity and a bit of insecurity, I googled 'Can antipsychotics make you stupid?'. The results were, needless to say, affirmative. I've read things from brain shrinkage to slowing down your cognitive process to all kinds of symptoms I worry about being developed on myself. Then another grave mistake of mine was digging up past convos of me and my buddies on ***** and being reminded of how I was (not to brag) the sassy troll, the occasional deadpan snarker. Words, sarcasm and wit came naturally to me. Now it kills me that I have to think hard to squeeze out something out of my brain. I pondered about this and theorized something: "Maybe it's just my OCD tricking me into believing I'm turning into a simpleton and I'm just too apprehensive and scared to try and see if I'm really indeed turning dumb." This has caused too much distress and I don't know what to do. Being witty and rational are the only things I pride myself in and I don't want those to diminish gradually. Every single mistake I make about spelling, every second I miss when trying to come up with a great remark makes me beat myself up and tell myself I indeed turned dumb. My confidence is low as it is. English is not my first language but I learned to be proficient at it and now I fear I'm losing my grasp on that. I intend to be a writer, before the clutter in my mind and antipsychotic I was doing fine, and now I worry that might never come true because I have lost the creativity and imagination necessary. I also worry about not having my above average cognitive functioning in my arsenal and it kills me to know that. Right now I'm frustrated with myself since I feel so slow witted. Every time I see my old posts on forums and my comebacks there that are backed with clarity and reasoning and posts of other people who hold so much sharp wit, I get stressed out and makes me want to hit my head on something that would definitely give some sort of concussion. It was also probably a mistake to read up on symptoms pertaining to memory when getting off a drug. Now I'm on high alert and whenever I forget something it the short term, anxiety comes back to haunt me. I don't want my vocabulary to suffer as well, I have a vast knowledge of words and that's my only winning point. Do you think this is caused by me stopping my med abruptly? is this still OCD or have I really damaged my brain beyond repair? I need help cause I can't go on with this. I just can't.I'm getting terribly depressed by this knowing that I might not achieve my dreams because I turned stupid .