Help finding out what I have and how to fix it!

[tygiag]

I was socially fine till about 19. Had lots of friends and no issues having a conversation or making friends. During college I started to develop some hesitant speech problems, low self esteem, racing thoughts, Insomnia etc.  My doc put me on an SSRI and I was back to my old self. Lots of friends, confident, great grades and a killer sales job. 

Fast forward 6 years and my body began to reject SSRI. Unbearable side effects. So I quit taking it. I was fine for roughly 1 year after this. Still had a sales job and rocked it out. Then one day I had some terrible panic attacks. Took me about a month and I was able to get over them by myself and then some other symptoms started appearing.

Then out of nowhere I began to develop an off/on hesitant speech, avoidance, slurring my words.  I coped with it and it wasn't so bad. 

Presently, my speech is so bad right now that I cannot hold a conversation. I cannot pronounce long words because I hesitate when talking. I slur words, especially those that start with vowels and my self confidence is in the crapper.

It is so bad that I can't get past a job interview to actually land a job. I am smart, pretty good looking, athletic and educated. I have made a ton of money when I was able to hold the sales job and talk.

It seems like things have gotten progressively worse, so I know it is a "learned" reaction.  I just don't know what to do or where to turn at this point. I have been to 3 pdocs and everyone's answer is SSRI, which works but the sides just destroy me physically.

I take a benzo, but that does not help with the speech problems. I don't have anxiety in the sense of fight or flight. It is more like I am so self conscious about my speech that it destroys me. In turn I have become very avoidant.  My thoughts are scrambled at times, I am narcissistic at times and very much a perfectionist.

Some people say to work out. I am a natural amateur bodybuilder. I train my 0104 off and look pretty darn good. Although, when I do work out most of my symptoms disappear and come roaring back the second I step out of the gym.

Furthermore, I have trouble making decisions and I am always asking others for their opinions. (I used to never be like this) 

My mother was extremely shy growing up, but is fine now.

Sorry for the long post. I am just at a loss on what to do. I need to be employed to live a productive life and this way of living right now isn't working for me.

[Toofless-suh-suh-sorry...]

Oh wow, I am so with you on the speech difficulties. I stutter, slurr, get syllables back to front, mix words up, lisp... all inconsistently. I pick up other people's impediments and even accents within minutes of talking with them, and I think it's my mind trying to embarrass me enough to shut me up and make me stay away from people, frankly. It does affect my writing when I'm in certain stages of anxiety, too. And my thinking, so that I can't understand what someone's saying, or can't speak at all myself. The inconsistency with it is devastating, because people don't understand.
The worst thing is, because it's an anxiety realted issue, the only way forward is through, you have to keep putting yourself in those situations and letting it happen and learning that it won't be the end of the world (despite how humiliating it might be, and what you'll worry people will think). Otherwise it just gets worse. It is horrible, but if you can accept it, and that it happens, and persevere, it will improve. I'm still working on mine, I'm dreadfully phone-phobic as well, and it's awful. But I have a long distance relationship now and my girlfriend has been so accepting and open about it I'm getting a bit better each time.
You'll get there.
Take care, and I wish you well.

[tygiag]

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

I never feel anxious but everyone says it is a certain level of anxiety. I guess they are right.

I'm worried about finding a job that I can perform with this. Are you able to function ok in the working world?