Giving in

[jethbones]

I’m so furious with myself to have behaved so naively.

There’s not a day that passes me by where I am not overcome with guilt and shame regarding my illnesses, my mam deserves better than this, she deserves a daughter who is happy, who’s more than willing to take breath after natural breath instead of a daughter who on some sick level revels in her own pain and misery.

I hate myself, my disorders, how I am incapable of progressing and especially how I manage to wake up every morning deluding myself into thinking that somehow, this day will be better, when I know deep down that this is how I am going to feel day in day out for  the rest of my life.

I’ve recently been experiencing more violent urges/thoughts than usual, such as repeatedly 0671 in the groin area, which I've put down to my glorious vaginismus condition that in turn stops me from performing one of the most natural acts known to mankind, my thoughts regarding self harm are becoming unparalleled, along with my want to take my life, but I can’t, it’d be taking my parents lives along with me.

Why did I believe that re-homing a kitten would magically make me feel better?  I’ve behaved so irresponsibly, I have never been so angry with myself. It’s one thing to mess with my own life, but to potentially ruin an innocent animals’ is beyond.

I’ve spent the last two nights alone at my house due to my mam spending the weekend away with her partner, I don’t know why I thought the past two nights would have been any different from the others that I’ve been alone, I detest being alone, I neither trust myself nor would I blame others for not trusting me either.

I just think I’d be much better off drugged up to my eyes and in an institution  to be honest. I wish I could fast toward a few years, because I don’t think I can cope with feeling this way much longer. 

Nothing helps.

I've been on various meds, various therapies, diets, tried holistic exercises etc, I'm exhausted.

I wish someone could help.

[Cuchculan]

It is so easy to get angry at ourselves or frustrated. We look at our lives. We see zero progress. But that is not reason enough to give in. To me that is reason enough to want to fight even harder. To not let this thing beat me. But one way of winning that battle is to stop fighting it. I know that may sound odd. It is like we get these feelings wash over us. Anxious feelings. Feelings of dispair. What do we do? We fight them. Like mind versus body. It is like we are fighting with ourselves. What would happen if we didn't allow this fight to take place? If we simply said ' whatever will be, will be '. In other words ' Bring it on '. We let those feelings we have been running from come on. At first it will be a nightmare. All your worst fears hitting you at once. But once we give into them and let them hit us we will see that they do simply pass. Just as they came on. They are all just feelings. Made a thousand times worse by our minds feeding them. Which in turn makes us feel bad for been the type of people we are. But in truth we are fighters. We have lasted this long. We all have bad times. Times when it seems like nothing will ever go right for us. But there is always a road back. You just have to find the start of your road. Takes those first few steps. Once you do you will see a future. You will see a life. Different people approach these things in different ways. How we get back upon our road is up to us. We each find our own way back. There is no wrong way back. You can flip this on its head. Tell yourself you are not going to give into it. No matter what it throws at you. You are a strong person and you will come out on top. You just have to believe in yourself.