Iím so furious with myself to have behaved so naively.
Thereís not a day that passes me by where I am not overcome with guilt and shame regarding my illnesses, my mam deserves better than this, she deserves a daughter who is happy, whoís more than willing to take breath after natural breath instead of a daughter who on some sick level revels in her own pain and misery.
I hate myself, my disorders, how I am incapable of progressing and especially how I manage to wake up every morning deluding myself into thinking that somehow, this day will be better, when I know deep down that this is how I am going to feel day in day out for the rest of my life.
Iíve recently been experiencing more violent urges/thoughts than usual, such as repeatedly 0671 in the groin area, which I've put down to my glorious vaginismus condition that in turn stops me from performing one of the most natural acts known to mankind, my thoughts regarding self harm are becoming unparalleled, along with my want to take my life, but I canít, itíd be taking my parents lives along with me.
Why did I believe that re-homing a kitten would magically make me feel better? Iíve behaved so irresponsibly, I have never been so angry with myself. Itís one thing to mess with my own life, but to potentially ruin an innocent animalsí is beyond.
Iíve spent the last two nights alone at my house due to my mam spending the weekend away with her partner, I donít know why I thought the past two nights would have been any different from the others that Iíve been alone, I detest being alone, I neither trust myself nor would I blame others for not trusting me either.
I just think Iíd be much better off drugged up to my eyes and in an institution to be honest. I wish I could fast toward a few years, because I donít think I can cope with feeling this way much longer.
I've been on various meds, various therapies, diets, tried holistic exercises etc, I'm exhausted.
I wish someone could help.